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Need advice please. - Carers UK Forum

Need advice please.

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Hi
I am new here so i am not sure if i have posted this in the right section. I was just wondering if anyone could give me a little advice regarding "family members". I am a full time carer for my 85 year old mom, and i do it alone, but i have two sisters who will do nothing to help me, the issue i have is that i dont mind doing what i am doing as i am not careing for my mom for a thank you, or even any help from them , but just a quick phone call to my mom from them , they just dont seem to care. My mom has offten been in tears wondering why they dont bother with her, and i dont know how to deal with this. I have asked them many, many times to phone her and they say they will and it lasts about a week, then it all stops. I really really want to blow my top at them both but i know deep down that it wont help and the last thing i want to do is up set my mom, i have just no idea on how to deal with this now. I just hate seeing my mom in tears wondering why they dont want anything to do with her and what she thinks she has done wrong. Any advise would be great. Thank you all so much. And have a great christmas.
You cannot force your sisters to stay in regular contact,and if talking to them has`nt helped then i think you have two options.You could phone them and then let your Mum speak to them,or you could just accept that,for whatever reason,they don`t want regular contact,accept it,talk to your Mum,and get used to the situation.Family issues are not easy to solve.If your sisters have a problem dealing with the situation you could try talking to them but sometimes things are best left to settle,and as long as you can let your Mum know it`s not her fault,there`s not much else you can do. Image Image
Hi ROBH,

I have been told many times that i am blessed to be an only child. That way the care for elderly parent(S) falls firmly on my shoulders. This is usually said by friends who have siblings who squabble over family care or want nothing to do with the hands on stuff but criticize anything being done.

Michael has spoken wise words. My OH is from a family of 14 and their squabbles over the years would make hair curl at 50 paces.

I do the phone at my convenience and just pass the phone over, but it is soul destroying at times.

Be proud of the care you give your mum and I wish you a better 2012.

Take care
Meg
Thank you so much both for your advise, i have tried to phone and hand the phone over, but they oftern say they are to busy. I think that because i am doing the caring that they need not bother, they have said as much. Its so sad at time to see my mom trying to understand, no matter how many times i try and explaine to her, that she has done nothing wrong. But i think this is going to be an on going problem. Many thanks once again for your advice. Image
This is a tragedy. It is so easy to become wrapped up in our own lives that we don't communicate with those that we love. We always think there will be another day but unfortunately the day will come when your siblings can't say the things they want to say to your Mum.

Why not make one last attempt by dropping a note saying how much your Mum loves hearing about their lives & how much it means to her to hear from them. Then just leave it. They are old enough to make the choice themselves. It is, however, them that are missing out.
Thank you Debra for that advice, i have done that today and they said they would phone at lunch time, but alas its now 6.30 and nothing, so i will now be leaving it, i have tried as much as i can and its like banging my head against the wall.Many thanks for your help and advice Debra.
Have a great christmas.
I kind of know how you feel. When my mum had an accident a work (was pretty serious) some members of my family didn't visit her. Then when she came to live with me so I could look after her (I was 23 at the time looking after my son who has special needs aswell) not one person visited or offered to help in any way. God was I mad !!!! It has all been resolved now but it took me talking to them straight not in a hurtful way to get the point across. Maybe sitting them down and saying exactly how it is, is what is needed. I understand you don't want your mum to be upset but if your sisters we're doing as they should you wouldn't have to deal with it. They are being selfish as your mum's carer you have every right to be mad at them. Stay strong Image xxxx
HI there
I understand how you are feeling, I care for my 82 yr old Mum, and some family members dont bother to call round or ring to see how she is or offer to help in any way. I used to get so annoyed but now have just learnt to accept it, people are different, so as long as I know I have done all I can then the others will just have to live with it be it guilt or whatever!
Image
My husband's two daughters are exactly the same. They are "too busy", although both appear to have an active social life. All my husband would like is a quick phone call every couple of weeks, but apparently that's to much to ask. When he was gravely ill and expected to die they phoned constantly and visited often. Now I think it was soley because they wanted to avoid feeling guilty after he died. Now that he's no longer in danger they can't be bothered.

I never had any children and sometimes I'm glad of it. I'd rather have no children than suffer the emotional pain of having children that don't give a !%!!@