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No the truth is much
Posted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 11:07 pm
No the truth is much worse...it was actually more due to me watching Big Brother at the same time as looking at this forum..
I can't believe i just admitted that!!
No the truth is much
Posted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 11:10 pm
No the truth is much worse...iit was actually more due to me watching Big Brother at the same time as looking at this forum..
I can't believe i just admitted that!!
very oops, someone has to watch it.
I get distracted by other things as well.
I read Excaliburs comment
Posted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 10:40 am
I read Excaliburs comment to mean that 24/7 caring being "heroic" was a myth. Not that 24/7 caring itself was a myth. Seems we all read things differently!
Thanks Matt , that's exactly what I was trying to say.
Thank you both, I'm so glad we clarified that 24/7 carers do exist and that Excalibur wasn't intending to consign the 24/7 carers to the land of myths (stories) and legend.
you never know it might
Posted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 12:01 pm
I have been completely absorbed
Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:08 am
I have been completely absorbed reading this discussion. Thought I'd add my take.
I love my partner, he is my world. I hate having to care for my partner. I just want to be his partner not his carer and I have fought constantly to be just this. There has been constant, painful, frustrating fighting, which has seen my ego take a severe battering, with no one there to pick me up (my partner cannot due to his brain injury). I am blamed for everything, my personality picked apart in front of me - all from 'professionals' yet I carry on intent on the end goal only. I do this by myself, though his parents support me they don't have the skills to do it themselves and just don't get it really, so that it that.
As a result, we have care (as of next week fingers crossed) - 24 hr mon - thurs, 8-10 fri and 4 hours on a sat and sun. This is much more than most, but it is possible. I also know, as they let slip, that there is one chap at least with MORE care, so it is available, if you fight tooth and nail.
For me it is still not enough. I would like 24/7 care for my partner, so I don't have to think what if something happens to me? Just this one thought going around my head drives me crazy some times.
Even if we had 24/7, I would not be happy as no, there is no way the care provided for others is as good as I give my partner, not even close. But I HAVE to compromise to have a life. I hate to feel that mistakes are made or he is not getting the best or that the phone could ring any minute. This is always in my mind and it hurts a lot. But I have forced myself to stay working, for the dynamics of our relationship and my sanity. Sometimes I have days when I cannot cope and it has nothing to do with caring, just to do with the fact that this awful thing happened and this is our life.
The point I am making - with all the supposed freedom I have, I am not free. Caring 24/7 or for just the weekend, life with disability or dependency is difficult. At the beginning of the post someone said that people who work full time have no idea - you are right. I have no idea how people do this 24/7 and give up their own life. I am astounded and I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel. All I know is yes there are choices, but they are hard, really really hard. Either way, working full time or caring full time, you are on high alert, constantly striving to deliver the best care, either yourself or tryng to make others understand what should be done. It is exhausting for us all. So I send love and compassion to anyone who cares, whether it is for an hour or all the time. In your mind your are a carer, you have seen things you want to unsee, fought battles that have wounded you, and this cannot be switched off. Best wishes all x
I know this discussion has
Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 1:15 pm
I know this discussion has probably run its race, but I was re-reading it again and the words "not my choice" kept popping up. And while I agree that I wouldn't have said as a teenager "oh yes please, I want to be a full time carer eeking out a living on a miserly pension", I do want to make the point - probably a controversial one - that I believe we ALL make choices before we even get here.
Sure, once here we all know what we'd LIKE, and what we WANT, but do any of us know what we NEED?
I personally believe that life is a school. We don't go to school forever, but we need it for the time we have it. And just as when we went to school as children, we probably didn't want spelling and arithmetic and we didn't like geography - but we got it because we NEEDED it.
I believe we choose the circumstances of our lives because they suit our needs - they provide us with the opportunity to learn what we need to, or to repay our (gasps! dare I say the word?) karma.
Most of us don't know why things happen the way they do. The one we care for may have been someone we injured in a previous lifetime, or perhaps we just lived a self-indulgent lifetime and needed to learn selflessness this time around. The best we can do with what we have is to accept and provide with us much love and tolerance as we can, and maybe we'll get to do those things we want to next time around.
But hey, that's just my philosophy.
I think that you have
Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 1:17 pm
I think that you have summed that up brilliantly, thanks
nb:* when I wrote this I was replying to Littleratchet's post *
I have learnt that it
Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 1:46 pm
[I personally believe that life is a school. We don't go to school forever, but we need it for the time we have it. And just as when we went to school as children, we probably didn't want spelling and arithmetic and we didn't like geography - but we got it because we NEEDED it.
I believe we choose the circumstances of our lives because they suit our needs - they provide us with the opportunity to learn what we need to, or to repay our (gasps! dare I say the word?) karma. ]quote
I have learnt that it is possible to go through the motions each day with a broken aching heart, with a body that crawls out of bed and does everyday things. I have made friends with mothers and fathers that I wish I had never heard of(and they wish the same of me), because we have lost a child. I have learnt that I want to die, but my body won't let me. I have learnt to accept that other people do not want to talk about my son,even though that is all I want to do. I have learnt that all bereaved parents, whoever they are, feel the same way. (The comedian Stan Laurel kept his son's ashes on his office desk. Every morning he would go and touch the glass jar holding them,before going out to make the world laugh.)
I have learnt that, but it is a lesson I do not want to accept.
No lesson in school was ever this hard, or this long. It is a lesson that will last for the rest of my life.One third of my heart is wherever Rhys's soul has gone to. That will never come back, I cannot be the person I was when my family was an intact one.
My sister is the only person to find the right words for me. She says that I should look on every month of my life now, as one month nearer to seeing Rhys again, if there is an afterlife.
(very big loving hugs
Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 1:56 pm
(very big loving hugs to you)
One third of your heart has gone to wherever Rhys's soul has gone. I understand totally and I'm sure everyone in here does as well.
I can assure you of one thing - there IS an afterlife, Rhys IS happy and healthy, and you WILL see him again. I don't say this based on a dogmatic religious faith, but from many first-hand experiences - this is neither the time nor the place to go into them.
Rhys wants you to be happy, and he knows you're not. I know it's difficult, but live the life HE wants you to live and know with absolute certainty that you'll see him again one day.
Many blessings to you, Lazydaisy
Lazydaisy, you have posted exactly
Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 4:37 pm
Lazydaisy, you have posted exactly how I feel, only my heart is half a heart, I have
never heard anyone say that I thought it was only me, my daughter is my lifeline here
and my son has my thoughts wherever he is now.
Thank you for posting, it has made me feel a little better knowing someone, just
one person thinks the same as I do. I lost mine 11 years ago, on 17th August this year
he would have been 32 years old.......you are in the first stages of grief, and my heart
goes out to you ((((((((((hugs)))))))).