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Carers UK Forum • My care home guilt - Page 2
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Re: My care home guilt

Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2017 11:38 pm
by jenny lucas
Why do you feel guilty?

How would you feel if you were the daughter of the woman she attacked????!!!!

I do hope the heavier dose tranquillisers stop her being so violent.

Re: My care home guilt

Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2017 10:55 pm
by Amanda_1512
Hello everyone I wanted to come back to post an update on how things have developed with my mum.

Mum continued what could almost be described as her reign of terror on her hospital ward. The social worker told me to stop looking at homes as mum's behaviour was so bad that it was highly likely that there would be no EMI nursing home willing to take her.

Completely out of all other options and with a ward staff who were not able to cope with mum I was desperate. I phoned anyone and everyone complaining that mum was in a totally unsuitable environment and a danger to herself, other patients, staff and visitors. Once the head of dementia in the hospital became involved things moved swiftly and mum was found a place in a mental health unit which was outside our catchment area, but with an available bed.

Mum was transferred to the unit under a section 2. Mum's 28 day section ended last week and she is now on a section 3.

Mum was not happy with being in the unit, she complained bitterly and shed bucket loads of years, but her drugs have been altered and there had been an improvement in her behaviour. I guess she was settling even though she didn't like it.

A bed became available in the unit which is within our catchment area and it was decided that mum should move across under her section 3. I argued that moving her would not be helpful, it's another move before a nursing home move. Unfortunately I didn't win the argument and mum moved yesterday.

I checked with the new unit yesterday and they said mum had transferred and was well settled. I went in to face an angry, distressed and agitated mum demanding I take her home, this is a step backward, but hopefully she will settle soon. The next step will be a nursing home move as and when mum's consultant feels she is ready. Apparently she will be eligible for 117 aftercare. I've trawled a few homes and have found the majority aren't willing to take mum with reasons such as "we have the safety of our other residents to consider" or the best one " I know we say we take people with challenging behaviours but we don't really". That one was an eye opener. So that is where we are up to go date. Kind of in limbo to see how long she will need to remain under section. It's been an absolute rollercoaster, but hopefully it won't be long before mum is in a permanant placement with some stability. What seemed so bad now seems really sad, but everything that's happened has been what's best for mum, it's just a shame she will never be able to understand that. x

Re: My care home guilt

Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2017 12:54 am
by jenny lucas
That sounds like it's been a pretty desperate time all round! But at least something now seems to be 'calming' your mother, and let us hope that continues. What an endless worry for you.

What on earth is it that is making your mum SO incredibly violent? What distorted emotions are running through her head? My only 'explanation' may be is that 'somewhere deep inside' she 'knows' she has dementia, and her violence against the world is her 'rage against dementia' that is taking her over and destroying her?

As you say, a disease to be hated indeed, for what it does to people we once knew, and still love....

Kindest wishes at such a difficult time for you - Jenny

Re: My care home guilt

Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2017 10:45 am
by Pet66
Thinking of you ((( hug)))

Re: My care home guilt

Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 9:18 am
by shiela_1702
Everyone who takes care of their elderly loved ones, go through that.
It's called caregiver's burden. Based on my experience, those families who rotate on taking care of their loved ones don't experience this as much as those who do it by themselves.

Re: My care home guilt

Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 10:11 am
by bowlingbun
Trouble is Sheila, many of us have "helicopter" siblings who just want to continue their lives uninterrupted!

Re: My care home guilt

Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 4:31 pm
by Pet66
With my family, we all fight the guilt. The' what ifs' etc. We all feel we are abandoning hubby when we leave after a visit. Admittedly we all support each other. Emotional pain is very hard too