My brothers going in a home and "above" £23,250

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
108 posts
Yes, my son has recently been granted legal aid, just a short visit to the solicitor so he could meet M, and a few signatures. Certainly made the LAstart listening to me. At last.
Thanks all. I will take those thoughts and ideas onboard.

I was a bit off it one day, (anxiety) and family rang up to SS/Worker to get my brother in respite for a few days, well it was 6 weeks!. I think they (SS) took advantage of this and got him into a home before i could do anything (or recover). So I'm really behind with these documents/LA/financial stuff etc, etc as I didn't see it coming. (My other brother rang the Social worker up to say i was off-it). Everything's going too quick, so I'm in no way yet prepared for all the legal stuff.

The meetings I had whilst my brother was in respite, were to unanimously get my brother into a home as they said: (i quote)

"""""youve done your best Tony, now is the time to get some quality time for yourself, 10 years is a long time to care for your brother on your own. He (my brother) now needs 24/7 *nursing care, and we will try and find a home as soon as possible""""""""

This was whilst he was in respite centre. I'm better now, I'm my normal self (yes, i was off it for a while but not related to my brother, but other issues ). It's very difficult sitting here on my own in my living room as my brother isn't here now, and i have the capacity (still) to care for him 24/7 . Although difficult, it was very rewarding after taking him to bed and reading him bedtime stories (my brother was like a 5-10 years old mind ability/capacity I'd say) well, i cant do that now (no violins please) :( but i feel, right now that He should be here, not in the nursing home, but with family going along with SS etc, its nigh on impossible. Like was said above, i need an advocate. My family were here everyday (most of them) whilst sorting the home out, meetings etc, but dont see much of them now that my brothers in the home.

Ill try and not sign it, but dont really know enough to fight them legally, so will (as advised by you MRSaverage) seek a specialist community care solicitor.

* when they (SS) were talking to me about "needs nursing care' i felt belittled by that, in that yes, I've done well for 10 plus years, but let the pros take over now. Well, I've had numerous district nurses come from local hospital to look at his bed sores, bottom etc, but it was MY ADVISE that they asked for when they came (does he get sores, does he mark/bruise easy HOW do you sit him up, HOW do you put his Incontinence pads On, HOW do you operate the recliner (list goes on) I'm not medically trained, but, apart from his learning disability/Epilespy, is sores (just one) was the only issue i had with him. Hope they keep him well in this home. Have you ever thought, when your sitting in your house with your son/brother/mother/ etc in a home, and said to yourself: i wonder how they are treating my loved one? I do.

(Sorry for long digressing post).

In answer to your question, yes I do sit in my lounge, lie in bed later on and wonder if hubby is being treated well. Have to remind myself that each time I visit, not set hours, (deliberately )he is always well cared for. My family go too, all degrees of times, and are always satisfied with his care. Any concerns we have are voiced immediately. Very few touch wood. I don't know the night staff, barring one, and that concerns me. It concerns all of the regular visitors. However, they have worked at the home for a few years so must be ok? It's part of the separation process, into, to be wondering how loved ones are, when away from you, especially in the circumstances we sadly find ourselves in. In my situation, I know that I would not be able to care for my darling husband as he deserves to be. If only I could.
I do hope, from the bottom of my heart, you reach a satisfactory solution to yours and your brothers situation,to enable you to have some peace, and enjoyment in your life. I'm full of admiration for you, caring for 10 years.
Tony, truthfully, they are not criticising your care of your brother - which is devoted and excellent - but simply thinking to 'rescue' you as they see it, so that you can build your own life up again.

In a way, you are in 'bereavement' I would say at the moment, where you are badly missing the brother you love - and I do smile at the thought of you reading him bedtime stories - like all 'parents' this is one of the fondest things we do for 'little ones' as your brother is to you :)....very touching.

Is it really not possible for some kind of 'half way' arrangement to be made, whereby your brother comes 'home' to you for weekends, so that he effectively is a 'weekly boarder' at his care/nursing home? That way you would have to week to 'get on with your own life' (and identifying what that now is to be is another aspect of your bereavement - we can find it hard to 'come up with things to do' once our care role is taken from us ), but have the weekends with your brother to look forward to?

I do always deplore this 'all or nothing' that seems to apply to so, so many care situations, when a 'half way house' solution would be so much better practically and emotionally for so, so many of us. Being a full time 24x7 carer can be 'crippling' but being a 'part time' carer can be sustainable, and keep us in company with those we love.

Hoping this might work for you both - KR as ever, Jenny
Thanks pet and Jenny. :)

I was thinking of having my brother back for a day anyway, as they say its ok, as long as I'm happy with it and got all his medication, creams, pads etc. (Probably starting from September-October onwards I'd say) After this, i would like my brother to "perhaps" sleep the night in the bed he loves(d) and so read him stories again. It would be comforting for not just me, but my brother too. He has a bariatric profiling bed At the moment, but wondering if mequip may take it back. If so, then ill have to sort something else out.

That sounds a really good compromise. My son has LD, I can't care for him all the time, but he comes home alternate weekends, so does lots of things that he can only do here (like drive a 10 ton steam engine, no kidding!) but he also has a flat and a life of his own elsewhere. Some people have worried that he'd find it confusing, going backwards and forwards, but he takes it all in his stride.
Hi Tony
I'm so glad you responded again :)
I was afraid that we were coming across too harshly, but I really wanted you to get help as a first priority.
I thought of your situation a lot last night - even woke at 3 am thinking!

I'm glad Jenny and Pet have mentioned the separation and bereavement feelings as I am concerned for you and what this sudden separation could mean. Yes SS and family are concentrating on brother but this is a time when you could do with some personal support and help too. Your devotion to your brother shines through and it seems a shame little has been put in place to maintain those links.

Is the Home close enough that you can visit daily? There should be no reason why you don't spend as much time with him as you want. Was this taken into consideration when the Home was chosen?

If he does stay in some sort of residential care, would you return to work, or do you have health issues of your own? What about your home, is it rented and if so in whose name?
These are mainly longer term issues I don't want you to worry over now but it could have a bearing on how things pan out. Please dont answer them on here unless you want to, but do have answers ready for the solictor.

I'm also conscious we on here don't know all the facts and why the rest of your family feel this move to residential care was right, hence why I want you to get legal advice, which may have to be in your brothers name if it turns you arent eligible for legal aid yourself.

And, it's quite easy not to sign anything, just politely refuse and say you need time to think about it and get advice. Just repeat it calmly, over and over gain if necessary. It's called being assertive. :)

Thinking of you lots
Thank you for your kind post Mrs average (dont like addressing you like that, as there's nothing average about you). !

Ive been to the home tonight just after/during his tea, which was intentional as i wanted to see how they fed him ,gave him his drink etc. It was pretty good, and my brother was in good spirits when we got there. And his usual self (IE: how he was 8 weeks ago when here in his home here with me ).

The manager gave me a form, and just had a quick look at it now at 8.15 pm. Not read it all yet, but says on the back (in written ink): FEE AGREED, "DCC FUNDED WITH CLIENT CONTRIBUTING + TOP UP FEE £40.00.

Also there's lots of other information to read, like £10 over hour if they have to take home to hospital etc, and other things like extras that aren't included and are payable by the resident include clothing, private dentistry, hair dressing, individual physiotherapy etc (he's got a physiotherapist though?). And lots more. It's 4 pages long and wanted it signing tonight, but didn't even get chance to read it, and the manager rushed to the exit door ( as we was leaving) To say have we signed the form (she wanted it there and then) i told her I've not seen it yet. Also, my eldest sister (who want present) said she wants to see any documents before signing them. She said bring it next time you come then.

he's, Mrs average, in 56 years on this planet, i can guarantee nobody has woken at 3 am thinking of me in a morning (at least, not. To my knowledge) :-??? Now i feel special (and ...... :blush: ! )

The homes a 7 minute car ride, so about 4 miles. You wasn't coming across to hardly at all!

The good news i wanted to see is my brother happy and is normal self, and. Got that - tonight. Stil, though, after his tea, we had to get him out his wheelchair in to his recliner ( no big issue really but would Ike to see how they handle him)

Tony, Yes definitely you are a special kind of person. Your dedication shines through. Sorry if that caused you embarrassment, but it's true.
I'm so pleased you found your brother in a contented mood and enjoying his food. It all helps.
The then manager of hubby's nursing home told me it would be £12 an hour if hubby had to go to hospital with a member of staff accompanying him. He was INCORRECT. Hubby has been to hospital twice, and I didn't have to pay. Neither have any other relatives who's loved ones have been to the hospital. Obviously I can't speak for you, but I suggest you query it. Seems you have lots to query and sort out. Hope it doesn't take too long. Im looking forward to reading that you have done something just for yourself!
Thanks for the kind words Tony, but I am just your average person who has been thrust (more than once!) into a caring role, whether I wanted to or not, just like most on this wonderful forum.

So glad you had a good visit


108 posts