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Mum is wasting away - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

Mum is wasting away

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I had a relative tell me that God punished my son with Muscular Dystrophy because we did not have him baptised! I told them two words - one beginning with "O" and the other with "F" although not neccessarily in that order. I have known religious families lose their sons in their teens and our athiest family's son is in his 30's so what the hell has a non existent sky fairy got to do with his life span? If there is a God I can tell you I will be havig a very serious word with him before he kicks me downstairs!

Eun, I'm not surprised you were angry - what sort of idiot comes out with crap like that?!?! :angry:

I feel the same about having a stern word with the "man upstairs". He'll probably need to gag me to shut me up, or strike me dumb. (I'd still not be as dumb as those idiots who said that thing about your son though.)

Mum actually enjoyed some creamy vegetable soup today! :D It pleases me to see her enjoy any type of food these days. We're lucky that the staff in the home all seem very nice and the nurse told me that it's a nice place to work, so they tend to keep staff a long time. I'm very grateful that at this end stage of Mum's life she is settled into a safe and caring environment. It's really a good result for both of us.
Well, Mum is still here, though she seems strangely absent in some ways. Yesterday when I arrived at the nursing home she gave me the strangest look, as though she didn't quite recognise me and was puzzled as to what I was doing there. She went through the motions of opening her presents and muttered thanks, but I got the real feeling that she was just playing along, humouring me. She managed a couple of chocolate discs (nice M&S ones) which I was in two minds whether to give her as she stopped eating chocolate a while back, so that felt like a small success. I took some Christmas Cake Liquer in, as she can't eat cake nowadays and used to love Christmas Cake, but that wasn't a hit, so I ended up making her an Ovaltine instead.

I tried to keep the conversation going, but it was hard work as Mum is quite disengaged now. I found something to watch on TV, that would have appealed to her taste once, but she just gazed at it in a daze and I could tell that she wasnt interested. The whole 2 hours I was there she never smiled once. I can't remember the last time she smiled or laughed. So, she's still here, technically alive, but not really living.

Sometimes I wish I knew what is going on inside her head. Is she mindful of the fact that her life is slipping away, and not bothered as her life is so limited now? Or is she clinging onto life as she's terrified of death and what may lie beyond? Either way, she seems to take no pleasure or interest in anything, except for a hot drink when she's thirsty.

On the plus side Mum is clean, warm and comfortable, and doesnt appear to be in pain, so that's something I'm thankful for. The down side is that there is no joy or pleasure in her life now. I really hope I don't live into my 80s.

Your Mum is well cared for and not in pain. You visited her and your time spent with her was thoughtful. You can not do more than you are doing.

If you stayed for two hours, that's a very long time. I normally couldn't manage more than an hour towards the end of mum's life. She became so deaf that I had to raise my voice so much it really hurt.
Massive cyber hug SheWolf ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know just what you're going through.

You said "Sometimes I wish I knew what is going on inside her head. Is she mindful of the fact that her life is slipping away, and not bothered as her life is so limited now?"

I thought exactly the same thing. In mum's last few days I wished I could attach a SCART lead between mum's and my head to somehow download what was actually going on.

In the absence of such a psychic SCART lead I settled on assuming she could actually still hear/feel and settled for simply nattering away to her.

I don't know what else to say. Another cyber hug ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sajehar XXX

That sort of theorising about disabled children has been going on for years. I think it's because some religious people have a need to rationalise/explain the suffering of children, and that often seems to involve placing blame somewhere, no matter how bizarrely. Maybe it's better not to theorise about the subject as it can only make things worse for everyone involved.

Visits with Mum are very hard now. I took in some lovely photos yesterday (thinking a trip down memory lane would be better than dwelling on the lack of a bright future), but Mum showed no interest in them. It feels like I'm clutching at straws now, trying to give Mum a bit of pleasure any way I can, but it's too little, and much too late.

She doesn't really want me there, but I can't just stop visiting. I talked about her sister, who died several years ago, and showed her a letter that I'd found. It was a very affectionate letter to my mother, that she'd kept for many years. I read it out, hoping to revive fond memories and maybe even put the notion in Mum's head that when she passes away, the plus side would be that she might see her dear sister again. Maybe that's a stupid idea, but I need to give her comfort, if I can, as Mum seems to be afraid of death. (She won't discuss it though - massive elephant in the room.)

Sometimes I feel no emotion at all and just feel impatient for the end to come, at other times I fall to pieces about it all. I am torn between wanting to be there when the end comes, in case Mum needs me there, and hoping she'll just pass away quietly in her sleep.
Sometimes it is important that we do the right thing, for our own sake. Then when we look back at a particular period of our lives, we can do so with a clear conscience, thinking that we did everything we could, under the circumstances. It's not an ideal world, we are not perfect, but we did our best, and our conscience is clear.
With both of my parents, I spend the last days playing music I knew they liked. I hope it helped them both to pass over more peacefully.