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Mum back home - Carers UK Forum

Mum back home

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Had to call my dad to find out, but my mum's back home now. Still having her leg ulcer dressed by the DN, but is walking much better now, albeit round their flat only. The hospital told her that the DNs would come to the flat every other day to dress her legs, but she said that she'd rather go to the surgery to have them done 'because it's more sterile and hygienic place'....... I don't know about that statement. So, every other day, dad has to trek down in the lift with her, wheel her to the car and get her in, wheel her into the surgery and do the reverse afterwards. She refused to have them come to the flat to dress the ulcers, but hasn't really thought about the consequences for dad.

My auntie, my daughter and myself have all, again, given them a 'good talking to' about being able to manage and dad being 74 and not being steady himself etc etc, but the pair of them insist that they (more dad, more like) can manage shopping and pushing wheelchairs (my mum's a rather tubby lady and my dad's like a frail, shaky stick), plus housework and bedchanging and taking the washing wet and dry, down to the laundry room and back up again in the lift along the corridor.....

We all think they're crazy and that dad will damage himself coping with mum like this, we can't talk them into getting any help, they don't want it, but heck what do we all do now?
Got enough to think about down here, cos daughter's having probs with lilbabe no. 2, cos she's Rhesus Negative and all the associated things are now coming out being 15 weeks expectant.
Mum and dad just don't seem to be able to understand the consequences or complications of their 'independance ways' and won't listen to any of us. My uncle said that I was the one who understood totally everything to do with f/t caring, more than the rest of the family and that they should at least listen to ME, but they won't. It's totally scary what they're attempting to do.
Been there done that got the t shirt, but what i did, but i'm not saying this would work in your case bearing in mind that they are of an age of being independent, i did it behind her back and she thought it was a good idea then, i had the shopping delivered, she told me what she wanted i did it over the internet, i did it with waitrose but that was my choice, you have to be devious somethings, but be careful it could back fire, as i also found out. good luck.
Could try an ultimatum Fran - "either accept some help now or end up in a care home later" type of thing.

I know it goes against the grain to take charge and give our Parents ultimatums, but if it's given with obvious love and concern for their wellbeing they might just accept.
None of us want to know that we are getting older and less able to cope, and pride very often gets in the way of getting proper help. Recently, after years of trying, I finally persuaded my mum that unless she allowed me to sort out her cluttered house and make sure that there was a suitable spare room with a bed for someone to use in an emergency, then she would end up either in hospital or a home. I'd already done this once before, but the carers filled the room with "stuff" again! Anyhow, before mum reluctantly agreed, but before I could do anything, she ended up in hospital after a fall on Christmas Eve, and was in for a month. My sons and I had a mega sort out, didn't throw anything away, but put more flooring in the loft so it was all still there, just out of the way. Mum was discharged more frail than when she went in, and is now aware that she is on the brink of needing a nursing home. Your mum is being completely unreasonable in making your dad push her to the surgery. I think that the doctor and nurses should realise this and work together to protect your dad from having to do this, because of his health. If mum is heavy, then could they have an electric wheelchair or buggy? If going to the laundry room is difficult, is there any way they could have a washer/dryer fitted in their own flat? Could you persuade them to have a home help to do the "heavy" work of taking the washing etc? If you use the word heavy it implies that they can still do the light stuff, to keep some pride intact. The District Nurse and everyone else who knows them needs to drip feed to both your parents, individually, the idea of what might happen to your mum if dad was ill. Then find a way for them to accept a carer. Your mum probably just doesn't see that the fit young man she married is no longer as fit and young as he was.
P.S. Is mum receiving Attendance Allowance?
Attendance allowance? Never thought of that one, I'll find out if they are, she only came out end of last week.
Attendance Allowance is best summarised as DLA for the over 65's. It is NOT dependent on income. Have a look at the Directgov website, I think it should be there. Depending on your parents income, if they qualify for AA then they will also be entitled to extra "premiums" which could increase their pension. If they do qualify for AA, it's often easier to persuade someone that they are entitled to it as they need an attendant, or paid carer, to do things for them. If by any chance mum is under 65, then apply for Disability Living Allowance instead, both Care and Mobility Component. Mobility DLA is, in my opinion, one of the most unfair benefits devised. If you are entitled to it immediately before your 65th birthday, it's currently payable for the rest of your life, unless you improve. If you are entitled to it the day after your 65th birthday, you don't get a penny. I mention this here, to alert anyone else in similar circumstances to apply before their caree is 65. The government is planning to change the rules of entitlement in future. Hope this helps someone.
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAnd ... G_10018710

Attendance Allowance is probably the easiest of the benefits for the over 65’s to apply for.

It is not means tested and it is discounted for income tax purposes. The forms are relatively easy to fill in and can be downloaded from the Direct Gov website. Just remember to use ‘worst case’ scenario when completing them. Payments are usually backdated to the date on the application form and it takes anything from 2 - 6 weeks to get a decision.

There are two rates - lower for day time ‘care’ only and ‘higher’ for 24 hour ‘care’. The money can be used at the claimants discretion, there are no restrictions.

It is still payable even if the claimant enters a care home although, as with most benefits, you still have to tell the DWP if they go into hospital for an extended stay and any other change of circumstances.

When Mum was still living at home she used the money to pay for a gardener, window cleaner and gave me money towards petrol for the car. She could also have used it to pay a cleaner, decorator, home carer etc. When she moved into the Care Home she became entitled to the higher rate because the reason for the move was that she now needed day and night time care.

The rates are currently £49.30 per week for the lower rate and £73.60 for the higher rate - both will be going up in April.
Thanks for the information and adding the links susie.
Dad has AA and I don`t know how we would manage without it!

OH lost out on the DLA over 65 rule due to the welfare officer who did the forms using the original date of his accident and not when he got less mobile. He had high rate care and was applying for the mobility component. Although it was accepted it was her incompitence the rules are law so he didn`t get it even at tribuneral level.

Hope this helps someone else.

Take care