Mother of my OH's child not helping matters...

[crocus]

Hi shemish

thanks guys
lazydaisy - csa have told us we dont have to pay anything .............. she has tried witholding contact but because hes not little he wont let her,.he plays up loads for her til she calls at her wits end and gets oh to go and get him.

Well done hubbies son
It doesnt sound to me as though the ex can do very much. She is threatening, but wont be able to actually implement it.
What about asking the boy to get his friends home phone numbers? Im sure most 10yr olds could do that. Then you could contact his friends parents without going through the ex.
As to being told what he should buy his son ...... well, words fail me. Although it would be difficult for the boy, I would have thought that he would be old enough to understand if you explain to him that you cant afford it.

Nasty situation. I hope it gets resolved

[bowlingbun]

I wonder if it would be worth the OH having a word with his son's teacher? You don't know whether this is having an effect on his education. She would also be able to put you in touch with his son's friends. Have you any idea why the mum is behaving like this? Some people don't like their children growing up, and feel threatened by it. On the other hand, she might just be being difficult because that's the way she is?

[shelmish]

Well, just to update those of you who were kind enough to reply to my post, we have had a word with son and explained that we just dont have the money for a PS3 this year - he doesnt know that we are now planning on getting him one for his birthday in May (a good compromise I think, without ex getting her own way this time), I had a heart to heart with the OH and explained that the guilt he is feeling by not getting son this present is not his fault but his ex's and that if he does what she says this time he is just making a rod for his own back for all future birthdays/christmases. Eventually he agreed but his main problem is that hes crap at buying presents and getting inspiration for cool things...I have had a brainwave this weekend and showed his son the website where you can create your own 'Converse' trainers - you choose your own pattern/colours for the sole, sides, tongue, eyelets, laces and stitching. Son loves Converse, his mum bought him some fake ones from Turkey in August that are falling apart already So he sat yesterday for 2 hours designing his own pair of bespoke trainers that nobody else will have - he is happy as anything with them!!
So thats all sorted along with a good few stocking fillers that we will get him anyway.
As for the friends thing, OH has sent him to school with instructions to get his mates phone numbers, we have tried to get him to do this before but it just depends if his mum sees pieces of paper in his bag with info on as she will just confiscate them before we get them.
Bowlingbun - Her problem seems to be that she gets minimal maintenance from the CSA with my OH being on benefits, but she will get a little bit more if son doesnt stay with us as the 'shared care' discount wont apply, so if son wants to play with his mates and he does it at hers, he wont want to stay with his dad so we will have to pay more maintenance - a very sad state of affairs and she obviously isnt putting sons needs in front of her own wants for a very small amount of money :'(
Unfortunately, I think we just have to ride this one out, there isnt anything we can do to stop her being so selfish as OH has no real rights without a long drawn out court process which probably wouldnt get us anywhere.

[bowlingbun]

Shelmish, I just love the idea of the trainers, make sure you take a photo of them in due course for his childhood memories. I know our eldest son thought we were mean at times, not buying him expensive things when he was growing up, because funds were very tight. Now at 35, he understands that one of the most important lessons in life is how to live within your means.

[crocus]

Shelmish, I think you have put your finger on the reason why his ex is being so difficult about his son staying. Its so sad isnt it?
I think the converses are an inspired idea, and I love the fact that you are going to give him the PS3 for his birthday when neither he, nor his mum, will be expecting it
As for the phone numbers. Can you get son to hide them somewhere? It sounds bad asking him to do this, but he obviously wants to be with his dad and is probably aware that his mum would confiscate the bit of paper anyway.

[Alexr115]

Hi Shelmish,

Sorry to hear of what is currently going on. I'll try to provide some assistance in respect of the parental responsibility issue that is currently going on.

Obviously this is a tough situation for you both but as someone that is familiar with this emotionally charged & messy area of law I hope I can be of some help.

To give you my background, I volunteer for an organisation which provides free legal advice & representation for individuals who cannot afford solicitor or barrister. Primarily I deal with Child Custody and Domestic Violence cases.

There are a number of things I would like to say:

1. Lazydaisy is right about continuing to pay CSA trying to have an independent person involved. This is called a mediator, the Judges love it when people use a mediator rather than sitting in their court saying "He did this", "yeah because she said that", "I only did that because your..." etc etc etc. Is there anyone that your OH and your OHs former partner know that could act as someone independent that could facilitate this?

2. The Courts like both parents to be involved with their child and especially for the parents to have shared responsibility if it is the best interests of the child. Given that your OH has regular direct contact with the child I see no reason why the courts would not grant parental responsibility (PR) to your OH. As you've stated he doesn't have it but he can get it. Because of the child being born before 1st Dec 2003 and of the parents not being married there are two ways of your OH getting PR.
A) If the Mother is happy then it is possible for both parties to enter into a Parental Responsibility Agreement. This is far better than going to court because it's quicker, cheaper and much less stressful http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Loo ... /DG_192856

Involving an independent person in this matter may help the mother in making this decision and also explain your OH's condition to her.

If Mother is opposed to this then your OH has another option, Court. I strongly advise your OH tries option A first because the courts like to see that rather than use legal action as the first step. I appreciate option B isn't the best option but I would suggest that it is in the best interests of the child to have both parents having shared responsibility rather than the current situation. To start your OH needs the courts permission to start legal proceedings it is done by filing this form at the local family court http://hmctscourtfinder.justice.gov.uk/ ... 02-eng.pdf
The following PDF gives advice on court fees http://hmctscourtfinder.justice.gov.uk/ ... 0a-eng.pdf

Once your OH has been granted permission to start proceedings he will need to fill in this form]http://www.childrenneedfamilies.co.uk/c ... rms/c1.pdf[/url]

This leaflet also provides some general guidance http://hmctscourtfinder.justice.gov.uk/ ... b1-eng.pdf

Like I've said, this should be the last resort but I just wanted to explain the options your OH has available.

3. If your OH needs any guidance please can you let me know via private message on here and I'll see if I can be of any assistance.