Mother of my OH's child not helping matters...

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Hi,
I'm fairly new to this site but am getting some lovely replies in the newbie section to a few questions but thought I would put this to the rest of you in case anybody else is getting the same issues....
My hubby suffers from chronic pain, he separated from the mother of his son (son is 10), 2 years ago.
My OH has tried to explain his condition to her, as he didn't have it when they were together but she refuses to take any notice at all.
She now uses my OH's condition as a tool against him, saying that son is getting bored staying at ours because we don't take him out (we do, but last weekend we had to stay home as OH's pain was really bad, so son has obviously told her that we didn't do anything with him last time he came).
She is now saying son is getting bored when he is at ours and that he doesn't want to come and stay. We know this isn't true as we do everything we can to keep him entertained.
I know we can contact CAB and solicitors for legal advice but because he was born before 2005 and they weren't married my OH has no legal responsibility for him and so it will be a long hard fight in court which my OH can't handle at the moment, either emotionally or physically.
Does anybody know what we can do?? I have tried talking to son myself and explaining that we need to stick together to help Dad when he's feeling bad...
Thanks in advance x
i wonder if child social services can help you with that, if the kids is willing to see his father and his father willing to see his kid, i would of thought they might have to take into consideration what the kid wants and not just what the mother wants, but dont take my word for it as its just a suggestion.
thanks rick! yes that might be something I can ask in my carers assessment...and if they can help then that may be just the back door I need for social services to assess OH's needs at the same time as he is unwilling for them to help him at the moment....
thanks id never thought of that!! Image
Hi, Image
I think the mum is using the child as a weapon. Hate it when that happens. Dont worry though, the child isnt going to be 10 forever! and they are very quick to catch on as to whos doing what to who. (i know that doesnt help much now)
Last thing your O.H. needs at the moment is more pain to deal with. Have you tried having a word yourself, or has your O.H. got a family member that could perhaps speak to the mum?
Thanks India,
We have tried getting other family members to talk to her but 'its not her problem' apparently!! I hate women like that, not all Dads are as devoted as my OH, we even still pay maintenence even though we don't have to because we are in receipt of benefits...
Such a shame when so many kids these days don't have a relationship with their Dad's and all my OH wants is to see his boy!!
The main thing is they live in the town next to ours and he has now started going out with his mates to the park and having mates stay at his mums...she wont even give us the parents details so that we can have his friends stay over when he is with us and what 10 year old wants to spend all weekend with just a parent and no playing out on the park?! I am going to do pick up with OH from school next week and see if we can get talking to some of these kids parents in the playground so we can try to organise some sleepovers for when he is with us, then maybe he will be more inclined to come to us when he knows he has a playmate!
M x
Hi Slemish,
Missed your post in( new), welcome . I would not normally advise this , because
I think the father has a duty to the child.
But , I would play her at her own game, STOP paying the maintenance, as she
as no real hold over your oh, she will soon come around then, so will the son.
and in time she will get fed up with him being under her feet anyway. she will be
throwing him your way. hope I am not to blunt here. she sounds a right
stropped up madam.
Take care
Minnie
thank you minnie,
she has also this week ORDERED us to buy son a ps3 console for xmas so i have made oh tell her she isnt getting any maintenence until at least after xmas (it comes out of my wages afterall), to help us pay for it as she has gone and told son that dad is getting him a ps3 so we dont really have any choice but to find £200 +!!! hopefully after not paying for it for 3 months hubby will feel a little less guilty about not paying for son as i do not want to resume payments until she starts playing ball!!!
having someone tell me this isnt unreasonable makes me feel better about putting my foot down!!!
many thanks m x
welcome to the forum.
I would NOT stop the maintenance.It may lead to his ex-wife withholding contact altogether,or going to CSA to apply for it,when it would just be taken out of his benefit.If you end up going through a solicitor for contact,it is a long,stressful and heartbreaking time.(and stopping maintenance would be a mark against your husband).It has taken two YEARS of back and for to court for my daughter, wading through life and family history(including sexual)and that of her son's father, and the background of the grandparents,to decide that her ex cannot at this time have contact with his child(he was abusive).
Family court is closed, you would not be allowed to be in there, it will most likely just be your husband and his ex-wife and their solicitors,Judge, Cafcass,a guardian for the child if the judge thinks it is needed, Psychiatrist, Drs(judge may ask for a ruling on your husband's medical condition).
A solicitor would advise your husband and his ex getting round a table with an independent person, to start with(I can't remember what this is called),to try and sort it out.
Bear in mind too, that as you are earning, your income may be taken into account when it comes to legal aid. My daughter's income was,and she was a part time care assistant in a residential home, but still had to contribute £62 a month.
You can have half an hour free with a solicitor, it sounds as though it might get nasty, so I can only suggest that your husband goes to get advice from a solicitor asap.
My husband's mother and stepfather often promised my children things that they did not produce,when the children were small,and the children had to learn to accept it,your husband's son is 10, he is not a baby,he is old enough to understand that his Dad is not rich and does not have endless money.
I am sorry this is such a long post,but wanted to try and give you the information that I wish my family had known about two and a half years ago.
Good luck to you both,I hope that you get the support and the advice that you need.
Hello Shelmish, Welcome to our gang.
It's a good idea to talk to the friends' mums if you can. You don't need mum's permission to invite the friends round either, do you? And talk to son about this present and make sure that he understands that his mum suggested it, but you don't feel able to afford one.

She's making both of you feel guilty and obliged and under her thumb, don't let her do this. What will happen next Christmas or birthday - what will she 'tell' OH to buy him then? My daughter has something similar with her ex, he tells her what to buy for their little boy (he lives with daughter, thank goodness). She doesn't fall that one and tells son that.

You've both got enough to think about without this woman bullying you. Stand your ground, stand up for yourselves.
thanks guys
lazydaisy - csa have told us we dont have to pay anything, we were giving her 50 a week and she decided this wasnt enough so went to the csa only to have that amount cut to 25 a month as oh was on ssp. now thats stopped as hes been off more than 28 weeks we dont have to give her anything but we still give her25 a month as goodwill. like i said oh camt manage court either emotionally or physically.
she has tried witholding contact but because hes not little he wont let her,.he plays up loads for her til she calls at her wits end and gets oh to go and get him.
thanks for all your advice, we will sit down with all these ideas and work a way througb
M x