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Mother in Law - Dementia and refusing residential care - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Mother in Law - Dementia and refusing residential care

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
There are very, very few people with dementia who will agree to go into a care home. People with dementia are afraid of change. So you have to use stealth and "love lies" to get them there. My mum went into her care home from hospital after a mini-stroke and the doctors made it quite plain that she could not return home, so I presented it to her as "convalescence" and never told her that she could not return home. Other people have referred to it as a "holiday in a nice hotel where the staff will wait on you hand and foot". Try and think of something that would be acceptable to her. A care home that is used to dementia will know how to handle the anxiety.
Oh Witch Hazel, what a hideous situation?! It's hard enough when it's our blood relative or a chosen loved one. The issue of 'putting someone in a care home' is so divisive and stimulates such strong feelings in all parties. I don't think anyone ever WANTS to go in a care home, and only the most heartless would want a loved one to go in if there is a workable alternative. Is your MIL is self funding? The more I hear about SS the more I want to punch myself in the face. I don't know if it's certain ones or if they all start out with good intentions but get jaded etc, but their ability to make people feel guilty for not being able to DO IT ALL must be part of their basic training.

The advice from Charles is brilliant (Thank you Charles! One of the single most helpful things I have read in the last 4 months!) and Bowling Bun is bang on as always - sometimes we have to stamp our feet and refuse to play ball in order to make a change. This business of 4 visits that seems to exist everywhere is ridiculous - I've yet to hear of a valid response as to why they can't increase the time spent at each visit to accommodate the extra needs. It seems to be 4 visits of up to an hour and the next step is full time care. Even with my autism I can see there's an awful lot of grey area between that black and white. It makes far more sense both financially and morally, to extend a visit where a meal has been provided to include ensuring the person doesn't choke! It blows my mind that this extra, say, 1.5 hours a day (30 mins per meal), automatically triggers the response of a) the family aren't doing enough, or b) the person needs full time care.

I hope you manage to feel comfortable enough refusing to respond so that you can have your time away without feeling guilty or waiting for the phone to ring etc. When I wasn't able to get to my Dad for a few days I called the careline and informed them I was away and could they change the order of the responders for that week. It's very common. I don't know if your careline is the same as ours (Argenti) but if they get buzzed and don't get a response or the resident asks for attention, they have to call the paramedics and they can only call them off if someone else arrives on site and says everything is sorted. We had cameras at Dad's so we could see if he'd alerted them by accident etc but they couldn't stand down just from us seeing footage of him being ok. If not, could you install a camera so that you can see if she's GENUINELY choking before running over just to change a cardi?