Medication issues again

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
My husband is 79. Geriatric Consultant discharged him as scans found nothing. However, when we went to see the consultant, husband misheard question 'When did you last see your GP' as 'When did you last have a pee'. Consultant and I did have to try to control our laughter.... So GP visit.

1) Cannot progress hearing problem until wax cleared. Got suggested product but Husband won't use it properly so cannot progress.
2) Husband now wants to go on Facebook as apparently people are looking to employ him as a Consultant. Given that he is mega muddled and thinks he is on ebay when in a google search this is unlikely. I am upset though as we only have one internet computer and do not want to let him use it. He is likely to throw it on the floor if he cannot work out how to use it. Looking at him, deaf with a stained dressing gown that i really have to fight to change with dirty underpants, I do not know if I should laugh or cry.
3) Husband won't use creams on bedsores and feet.
4) Husband keeps on taking dressings off - nurses visiting once a week but consultant said they need to visit twice a week,
5) Husband not changed Fentanyl patch which was due Friday. Do not have the strength to get him to do this frankly but worry it could be dangerous as he has stopped the Tramadol on Wednesday.
6) He is also coughing and almost choking at times.

I do have the nurse Wednesday so shall see how things progress and see if we can get to the GP. I do realise I cannot pursue a dementia diagnosis if he wont' co-operate. He also says if he instigates divorce (this is if he cannot get his way!) I will have to move out as they will never get an 80 year old to leave his home. I would argue, that as his carer, he cannot look after himself and if the house needs to be sold, then he won't get it in a saleable condition. I do not think it will come to this as I will keep giving in and every time, i do, a little more of me dies inside......He has said he does not 'need' a carer and only 'allows' me to claim as we were high tax payers.Well frankly given what i do in a day, and given his deafness I would dispute this and also if he had mental capacity and allowed this to happen, he would be committing fraud? I do realise I sound very bullied but I am starting to look for tools to fight back.......

Sorry for rant but he is a difficult man and i am worried what will happen now he has suddenly stopped the Fentyl patches without supervision. I may be able to gt him to put the patch on if I am lucky but he is sleeping now so we shall see.

thanks for reading - rant over.
Keep flagging up his medication issues (including community nurses issues) with his gp. Make it his/her problem! Make it clear to that without sedatives he is unmanageable to extent you fear for your safety. Hint at you are considering looking into 'sectioning' him.

I think at some point you need take approach that you won't give any more. This is only way I believe that SS will step in to help (i.e. If you force their hand). Just as importantly, and I am glad you are starting to recognise this, for sake your own self-esteem you need to do this. Tell him you want carers in to help and that's that. (Incidentally, what are they doing bout his medication. Are they doing their job properly in trying to coax him?!)
Helena,
Your husband sounds impossible to care for. Take heart in the fact he doesn't cooperate with anyone - nurses, GP, consultants ... It's not just you he ignores and rails against. Unfortunately though, you are there with him every day and have to live with the self neglect etc It is a very difficult situation.

I don't have any advice for you, I'm sure others will, but just wanted to say I am listening and to send you one cyber hugs. ((((Helena)))

Melly1
Thanks Melly much appreciated. Thanks too G Fraser.

Bottom line is that i have the cats and cannot leave. Sooner or later it will come to crisis level and yes, I do sadly think sectioning will end up only way forward.

Just have to keep on keeping on............
Hi Helena
WIse words above, I think you need to step back and let things "fall apart" in order to get noticed by GP and SS. People at that stage of dementia are extremely good at covering up, let's be honest- lieing, and blaming others for things going wrong and not being done. I agree , when you feel the time is right and the you have the right person't ear, play the "fear for my safety " card.
Just remember to keep your own sanity and see the illness for what it is. It is a phase and he will most likely move on and pass to a new phase.
I'm sure people with dementia do not realise they have it. My husband today told me we have a new car! Then sometime afterwards claimed be better get going as we need to get the bus. He didn't see DD2 yesterday as he was working on a farm. She did visit. So that's short term and confusion. Its very difficult to cope with, and when they are in a difficult mood it's even harder.
Maybe Helena it's time to record everything he says that is ' bizzare'. You really need a diagnosis formally.
Helena, it's a dreadful situation, I can't help but thinking a crisis is going to occur one way or another. My mum's specialist used the term "life changing moment" and I feel your husband is now on the brink. You are doing way above and beyond what most would be able to tolerate, I would have walked long ago I'm afraid. My only suggestion is to record, ideally with video, when his behaviour is of concern. It seems disloyal, I know, but the medical profession don't seem to be taking enough notice of what you are saying. Please be careful, if you feel at all threatened make sure you have an "escape plan".
I am keeping notes but my mobile is a Doro and i am not in a position to go and get a new mobile and get trained how to use it! Very stressed.

This is not about loyalty but survival of my beloved feline family..... ...my love for him died the night he tried to push me down the stairs back in 2009, hands round my neck 12th December. My 'crime' was being a few minutes late back from the hospice shop party -attended by a group of old ladies. He blanked me the next day saying no one would believe me as he was the MD of a PLC and I was a 'nothing' and if he had wanted to kill me , he would have done! And, no none would have cared. He had isolated me so much he was totally right. Similar threats happened around the time of the heamatoma but there was no physical violence just ' life imprisonment is not long at 74' and 'No one would care if I killed you - I would just say it was an accident'.I realise he was ill but it went on for 9 months. Things have been easier as he says he has not got long to live - he seemed to think he had cancer yet all the scans are clear.So I cling on and on trying not to provoke him. But I have now made friends so if anything happened, friends do know about the abuse.......

I would call the police if the threats got beyond a certain point and looking at him with his uncombed hair and dirty dressing gown then yes, I do feel I would be believed. But would they section a frail 79 year old?Arrest him? I hand on heart do not know unless he had actually hurt me.

I think he is a very scared and lonely man. Late stage alcoholic - at worst a litre of vodka a day,. Not drinking much now but it has fried his brain.If he went into hospital, I would go and see my solicitor and just get some of this on file. He is quite frail so I do feel I am not at great risk of violence.....

Cats are my world and no way can I leave them so I have to do my best to try and keep him clean and just hope that nature will take its course.........

Sorry to be so candid. Frankly it is not in my interests to try and take care of him is it? But I do because I once loved him very much,,,,,,
Hi Helena,
He could be sectioned at his age, other members have posted about elderly carees being under section. Some on a general MH ward and some more suitably on a ward specifically for elderly patients with mental health needs. If you did have cause to call the police they would respond, especially if there was a rude of domestic abuse.

Melly1
Helena, has a Community Psychiatric Nurse ever visited you?
I know others have had support from a CPN, but never used one myself, so don't know how to get one etc. Maybe ask your GP?