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Who is boss? - Carers UK Forum

Who is boss?

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
This is probably controversial but it's just a thought.....
Many dealing with dementia are overwhelmed by being bullied, ranted at,
non co operation etc etc. Most carers are polite and suffer in silence.

It's all psychology but when a carer faces someone in the early stages
of dementia would it be useful to lay down who is boss right from the start?

A bit of cold early sternness might set the relationship on a better footing for
the carer ( and the patient) as the dementia progresses.

Just a thought.
Maybe carers (regardless of disability) should be given more guidance about the role of the carer and caree?
I've had ten carers in all, from newborn to age 87. Learning how to streamline things at home, the value of "mechanical slaves" like a dishwasher, even changing the clothes and bedding to material that don't need ironing and all go in the tumble dryer, are all things I've learned the hard way.
However, I'd also put on the agenda for guidance training "How to spot when caring is killing you, mentally, physically, emotionally, socially". Where to get extra help, how to get residential help etc. but honestly, in this day and age, Social Services just don't want to know.
I think you quite possibly have a good point there but what we all need is hindsight as these things creep up on us insidiously.
Looking back when I first got my dog 8 years ago- just before Dad had his first major illness, I was homechecked and Dad made a very unhelpful outburst which I remember cringing over at the time. The lady doing the homecheck had obviously walked the walk and asked me quietly if he had dementia. I can remember denying it with horror at the thought. I think it's the subtle changes and old age crossed with excentricity and bad character traits in the the first place that make it so hard to spot and acknowledge for the initial few years. Easier to see looking back.
Agree with BB - guidance would be great. We have to either relay on friends, a good GP (and not everyone has one!) to help us plan. Caring creeps up on us and things usually in the case of dealing with older people, get worse not better,

With regard to setting boundries, great in theory but SO hard to put in practice. Also a lot of people with dementia can be manipulative and abusive and that for me is very hard to deal with - I know it is happening, and manage to lose myself in a book and leave the room. Assertiveness training/Counselling ought to be available free of charge to all carers plus more support but in these cash strapped days, more chance of flying to the moon!
Regular posters will know that I'm a strong advocate of counselling. Although it many other areas of my life I was strong, assertive, forthright etc. my mum was my Achilles heel. I'm not sure when I really started doing odd jobs for her that she should have done herself. My younger brother was 8 years younger than me. Looking back, I don't think life was ever the same after he was born. Certainly, he called me his "Number 2 Mummy and wanted me, not mum, to tuck him up and tell him bedtime stories.
Why did it take until I was ill, disabled, and widowed at 60+ to realise that I'd been controlled so much by mum?
BB Hindsight is a wonderful thing......so do not be too hard on yourself!

Why did it take me until I was 50 to realise I was in a very mentally abusive relationship with a man who needed to control me and whom I had outgrown? I guess if you love someone you lose your ability to retain a sense of 'distance'?

I guess most of us wish we could have a second chance and reverse some decisions!