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Carers UK Forum • Learning to say no or yes
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Learning to say no or yes

Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2017 10:30 pm
by nicholas_1612
Evening everyone. As mentioned before, I look after my mum who had a stroke. She had a slight fall the other week, nothing hurt, apart from pride. Had a referral to the NHS ot & physio, who were worse than chocolate teapots. Had a private physio today, who helped, but said to me that I had to be more firm with mum and not to be bullied. It's difficult to help her (she wants to improve as much as she can) but without ignoring her wishes. She's 99% all there and knows her own mind, but finding the right balance between helping in the right direction so she doesn't regress or ignoring her feelings. I know it's a common situation.

Re: Learning to say no or yes

Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2017 11:08 pm
by bowlingbun
Hello, welcome to the forum. Can I suggest you try to avoid saying either yes or no? I had counselling to help with my mum's endless demands, to use delaying tactics for the jobs, using phrases like I'll finish this first......
As for phsio, mine kept saying "just one more...." after my knee replacements. Keep up the private physio, it works wonders having regular sessions, and you can watch what she does too.

Re: Learning to say no or yes

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2017 12:35 pm
by jenny lucas
Is she bullying you about doing more physically than she can yet cope with, or in other respects?

I think the avoiding saying yes or no is excellent advice - one must become 'cunning'.......!

Re: Learning to say no or yes

Posted: Tue May 02, 2017 1:11 pm
by Denis_1610
We all find a refusal difficult to deliver to ones we love and care for. To help to maintain the right balance we can imagine a reversal of rĂ´les. What would be reasonable if the boot were on the other foot?

Alternatively, think back to your childhood. Did you always get what you wanted to have or do? Keep such thoughts in mind when you are in a demanding situation. I'm sure your mother said "no" many times; however, as others have suggested, you can avoid using this actual word to take the edge off the situation.

Re: Learning to say no or yes

Posted: Wed May 03, 2017 11:23 pm
by G Fraser_1612
Peeps, I honestly don't see problem. As Grange Hill kids said 'Just say no'..... :huh:

Re: Learning to say no or yes

Posted: Thu May 04, 2017 8:59 pm
by G Fraser_1612
I realise may been somewhat glib in my last posting. I am used to saying no to my mum (and vice-versa!) but for those who have more 'functional' relationships with their carees I can imagine it being more difficult.

As Father Ted coached Fr. Jack three possible responses to questions:
1.Yes
2.No
3. That's an ecumenical matter
;)

Re: Learning to say no or yes

Posted: Thu May 04, 2017 9:38 pm
by bowlingbun
When given endless jobs not desperate to be done. Work as fast or as slow as you want, Given another job? Say I'd like to finish this one first FOR YOU...... Reminder? "Yes I haven't forgotten but....." Keep a mental list of the jobs, maybe ask which one she would like you to do, and repeat. Never include jobs you don't like, in your shortlist.
Or else suggest it's a specialist job....?
Or your drill needs charging... (my son's favourite!)