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IN NEED OF URGENT ADVISE - Carers UK Forum

IN NEED OF URGENT ADVISE

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Hi all.
I am in a terrible situation. At first my wife wanted a seperation but when she spoke to her sister who said what if you become ill and what about the dogs now she wants me to stay but just to be friends only. I don't know if I want to do that. Half of me is saying just go and the other half is saying stay just be friends and carry onI don't know what to do at the moment I'm not speaking just very confused I'm also thinking about the dogs their the innosent ones who will suffer.
I have been doing the caring role for 25 years 6 years as a full time carer without a break 24/7 I have given everything she has said that when she gets better she wants me to leave so why should I do the caring bit for her behalf. I feel as if I want my freedom but in situations previously when I have got in the car I feel really guilty about leaving her.
On my last post I was talking about a fantasy/crush that I had with the social worker. I pleased to say that it was just a fantasy and is all water under the bridge.
If anybody has some solid advice I would very much welcome it.
Mant thanks
A very confused Mark.
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Hi Mark, your post says it all, 2 words, WALK AWAY. Relationships only work when it is both ways.
Mark, it's easy for us to say "Go" or "Stay." You don't need our advice on this. You need to listen to YOU.

If you're only staying because you feel guilty, then what's the point of staying? Because there's no reason to feel guilt if you give social services fair warning.

If you're staying because you love her, then how will you feel if you go? But can you stand not having the love returned if you stay?

Those are questions we can't answer. But I think you know already what you want the answer to be: so why not give it? We're certainly not going to judge you for it - it's really nothing to do with us. Others might, but is it really anything to do with them either?
Dont talk: Walk.
There is a wonderful, beautiful new world out there, called "ME:MYSELF:I!"
It isnt easy, it isnt neat, and it can be quite painful at times, but at least you are in charge of it... I hope you find someone who deserves you next time around. And there is always a next time.
Unfortunately, I'm not going to answer this one for you, since it's not my place to. Only you can know what is best for you. I do have a list of questions to help you to decide though.

1) If you stay on as a carer and leave if/when she feels better, would you feel used?
2) Can you detach yourself from this woman emotionally? enough to see her as a friend or even one of the boys?
3) What are the benefits of you staying versus the benefits of you going (and by that I mean the benefits to YOU)?
4) Can you take the dogs with you? If not will they be well looked after with her?
5) Why feel guilty for something that SHE wants?
6) What if she never gets better? Are you prepared to spend your life in a loveless relationship?
Charles is right it is a decision that only you and you alone can make. We're not here to judge, it's not our place to.
From your post about the social worker, it seems to me that you wanted someone to understand you and perhaps more. Regardless of what happens with your wife, I think that may still hold true for you. Whether you stay or go, I think you may find yourself needing this connection and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this.
It sounds like you have much love for your wife and probably will have no matter what happens. Sounds like she might be letting you go..... perhaps there is much love for her too. A long relationship as you two have had is complex and multilayered. Good luck with your decisions, I hope you both get what is best for you.
I agree that it is a decision that only you can make. It might help to clarify your thoughts and consider the options in more depth to if you were to write down the pros and cons, both practical and emotional, of staying and of leaving but ultimately the decision has to be yours, hopefully with your wife's agreement.