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is this the end? - Page 2 -Carers UK Forum

is this the end?

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Sadly FIL, was rushed back to hospital yesterday, in total he spent 1 and 1/2 days in the rehab place, where he should never have been sent to in the first place he was already coughing 2 days before they sent him there. He now has pneumonia, and there has been more upset and mistakes, we left the hospital as i have a dog and needed to let her out of her crate, we live about 10 mins from the hospital, we decided to go home, i would give my husband something to eat and stay with the dog and he would return to the hospital, he just ate the sandwich i made him and another visitor who is a family friend called to tell us that another Dr. returned and called her outside, to say his organs are now failing. We returned to the hospital got back there in 10-15 mins, requested to speak to the Dr. they had left and no one knew who it was that said it to the family friend, they said they would find someone, they found no one. So we have not been told, how disgraceful they told a family friend before his son. We left him there last night, he actually looked a bit better and not had any calls from the hospital over night, but will they call, so far they have done everything wrong.
Hi Carol
Yes, I would agree with Mrs A and speak to the Drs.

My Mum, also aged 89, was admitted to hospital on 18th December; she has been hallucinating, reaching out to people, things that aren't there, talking about deceased relatives and this has all been due to a serious UTI infection, low Sodium and Potassium combined with a chest infection and blood pressure issues.

So, yes, please speak to Doctors.
I really hope things are improving now.
Its speaking to a Dr. that seems to be difficult, they are never there when you want to talk to them, one minute they say he is doing good, the next to he is shutting down, and not even to us. I wish, his wish would come soon, they treat animals better.
I'm so sorry about this situation for you. I apologise, I hope my reply wasn't insensitive, but I didn't see your post at 6.48am when I posted my reply.

I understand and agree with you, it is hard to speak to the Drs, especially when there are so many different ones working on the Wards and they might only have met a patient once, or on that very day.

I wish there was something more helpful and positive I could say. Stay strong.
Carol, Talk to the PALS Team at the hospital, complain about the dreadful breach of confidentiality, and then ask PALS to arrange a meeting with the ward consultant.
Are you prepared for the end? You need to decide asap which funeral director to use, I'm afraid. Easier (not easy though) to find out fees, services offered etc. before the end rather than afterwards). However much you anticipate the worst, it is still an incredibly difficult time.
I wonder if you could get a Palliative Care Consultant to examine him? They are, naturally, experts in 'end of life' care, and will doubtless have 'seen it all' in their careers. They may be the best person to guide you know as to what his life expectancy is, or is not, at this stage.

That said, do bear in mind, as I think I've posted earlier (have I?) that even doctors often cannot tell just how long a patient can survive, or how well, or not, they will do. That may seem odd to us lay people, but it is true, for all that. Some patients have amazing ability to hang on, and even improve, and some can just 'go over a cliff'.

The human body is a complex 'cocktail' of chemicals in constant flux and interaction, and that complexity means that if one set of biochemical reactions, or physiological processes, starts to fail, it can have all sorts of 'knock on' effects elsewhere. Because of that inherent complexity, doctors can only see things 'top down' and make a judgement call....but the underlying processes are beyond their control (even with the intervention of drugs etc) and can 'overtake' whatever they do.

Finally, there is the all too mysterious impact of 'the will' if one can call it that. The precise role our 'psyches' (for want of a better word) play in affecting our 'physical bodies' is always unclear and is totally 'personal' to an individual. Again, that is something completely beyond anyone's outward control.

The KEY essential priority now is the COMFORT of the patient - they MUST be (a) pain free and (b) unagitated. Whether they can 'get better again or not' is a secondary issue. That's another reason for involving the Palliative Care Consultant - to ensure that he is not in pain/discomfort, and not agitated or fearful in his mind.
Thank you all for your replies, my FIL is still here fighting, but it is a fight he will not win, they have now stopped all drugs, except pain relief. He is mostly asleep, but does wake here and there, it was as though he waited for us to arrive this morning, we went to catch the Drs. He looked about the same as yesterday, but we had only been there about 10 mins when he suddenly rolled his eyes and lay back looking asleep, His breathing was terrible, I knew straight away, the staff pulled his curtains shut and we are now just waiting for God. He has been asking about his wife who dies around 20 years ago, my husband has been saying don't worry about mum dad she is okay, i expect you will see her again soon, and it does seem to calm him. The NHS certainly failed him, kindness costs nothing. We did enquire about moving him, but the Dr. said to leave him where he is now. They have offered a side room but my husband said he FIL is not bothered so neither is he, I started to write this yesterday but did not have time to finish it, he is still with us as I write. The writing seems to help so I hope no one minds as I know theres nothing anyone on earth can do now.
No, there is nothing anyone can do now - he is slipping away, moving across that mysterious divide that one day we all must cross. We all hope with all our being that there is 'more' across that divide, and if he can make that crossing in the hope and expectation that his wife, lost to him for so long, will be there to greet him, then that is the comfort that you must take, and your husband too.

I hope his passing is easeful and gentle, and gives you 'good memories' for this very 'end-of-days' for him.....

Kindest wishes at this difficult to bear time, Jenny
Carol, hearing is is one of the last things to go. When my dad was in the hospice, dad was aparently asleep. Mum and I were talking about a walk we used to go on, and I mentioned some greenhouses, and asked mum what was grown in the. Dad immediately said "grapes!" So talk about old happy times when visiting dad, he may be listening even if talking is difficult because of the medication. Maybe hold his hand.
I don't know whether this brings any comfort or not - I find for myself it does, but who knows?

There is an old Arab saying:

'Until my hour comes, no man can slay me.

WHEN my hour comes, no man can save me....'

Perhaps it helps us accept?

(And yes, I completely agree with BB - make sure you are talking fondly and lovingly to him, right to the very end, and perhaps beyond....and to hold his hand....human touch, especially by a loving son and family)