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Is it bad I feed my mom whatever she wants? - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Is it bad I feed my mom whatever she wants?

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I have just more or less said what jenny said on your other thread .i just came on here and seen our thoughts are exactly the same.it would be better addresses these issues cause at 38 invitely it is going to get worse sorry and that its not a good situation for you and your siblings
Hi - sorry I thought I had replied yesterday but seems to have disappeared. I was wondering if your mum could be persuaded to have a gastric band fitted or other surgical procedure?
Jenny, I had replied at length on the other thread before you wrote. But there is not much advice I can give. I also feel extremely uncomfortable discussing the subject because there is so much prejudice against this particular disability. My brother was walking around, though slowly, till he was about 78. He had in-patient treatment in his forties. He even lost 9 stone while almost bedridden a few years ago, by eating everything he wanted at weekends and only fruit during the week - made possible by my other brother bringing fruit upstairs and him only going downstairs at weekends. But this made little difference to his mobility.

In the case of a 38-year-old woman who weighs 50 stone, I agree that a gastric band or bypass would be the way forward. These procedures also affect the appetite (assuming the lady can't stop eating - we don't actually know much about why she is obese). But it is not for us to intervene here as doctors. I think the mother would need to want it, to see a doctor, to try to lose weight before she was even permitted the operation - and I believe there are cutbacks in gastric bands and bypasses, even though they have been shown to cut NHS costs in the long term, reverse diabetes for example - a long process.

The question as to whether a person is responsible if they enable eating is a bit outside our field, isn't it? But the situation of a 38-year-old and an 80-year-old is not comparable, so I really don't think I can add anything.
Greta, hi - I hadn't seen the other posts, didn't realise they were there, so apols for that. I'm not trying to 'drag you in' to a conversation simply that the vast majority of forum members aren't looking after a caree with this particular health problem.

I do agree there is prejudice (blame the patient) etc when it comes to obesity - maybe it's because so many of us 'fear' it ourselves???? (And we know that, grimly, for many of us, like me, the ONLY way to avoid obesity is by endless 'self-denial' which we actually hate, and sets up huge psychological tensions in us - as in 'we want to be slim and healthy'....BUT ....'we also want to eat that lovely food'....oh, what shall it be, what shall it be, torment, squirm, resentment, guilt, etc etc - NOT a healthy situation mentally!!!)

I do think it's very encouraging, though, to read that your brother WAS able to shift a substantial amount of his excess weight at some point in his life, so that does point out that it IS possible to do so, even in very difficult cirumstances, which must give some hope for Matt.

I guess, Matt, in the end, it comes down to whether you and your sisters opt for following whatever medical advice your mother is now receiving, as to her food intake, or what your mum herself would prefer. Please don't 'beat yourself up' about whichever decision you make, however. You are NOT responsible for your mother's ill health, and, in the end, I, speaking only personally, feel it is 'her call' as to what she does, and that is she does choose to continue in her current lifestyle (which is very understandable given the immense difficulty and challenge of becoming healthy again)(in both effort, constants self-deprivation, and maybe worst of all time....ie, getting healthy is a long-haul for her now, alas), then she does have a 'right' to do so. Were you and your sisters still minors, I would say otherwise, as I think parents of pre-adult children do have a 'duty of emotional care' to their children (my own opinion only), to take reasonable care of their health so their premature death is not a risk to them. But once one's children have grown up - and you are on the edge of adulthood now - then I think (again, only speaking personally) we 'get back' the right to live as we please, whatever the consequences (eg, to take another example, to take up a highly dangerous hobby, such as mountain climbing, even if it risks our lives!).

I don't know whether any of this 'discussion' here on the forum has helped or hindered you in answering your original . All I can say is I hope it hasn't hindered, even if it hasn't helped.

Wishing you what best there may be, in a very difficult and intractable situation.
I do understand one thing. A person has to really WANT to lose weight, give up drinking smoking or whatever the issue is with the individual. That is the key. Something usually triggers. With me, I saw myself in a shop window, a few years ago, and had a shock at my weight gain. Something happened in my brain to make me do something. However, food is still a comfort to me and like many others it's a battle. So, whatever the suggestions, advice etc, it's your mom who has to be in charge.
I do wish you the very best in this emotional situation, hope you source the equipment to make life more comfortable for everyone concerned. I realise that's the question you asked us, and not what to do about your mom's weight issue.
Yes matt it will be your mums decision to want too do something about it. It is an addiction so will be very hard and if she cant do it or wants to because it will be too hard she thinks then all you can do is get the equipment your looking and try and get her some care so you can get to uni and stuff. Good luck
Matt _1706 wrote:
Colin_1705 wrote:When you are not there, who else helps?

I'm 19. I'm about to start uni doing a law degree. I don't need a councillor my head deals with it all just fine. My sisters look after her when I'm not available
Matt - everyone can benefit from counselling. Being highly intellectual in some specific area does not place you above it. You made a good start by joining Carers UK and this forum, but this is the first step to more.

My concern is that you are about to study for a degree, yet you have the worry of your mum's health in the background and this can threaten to distract you from your studies.

Studying for a degree is hard work; I know; I've done it. This was not for me the happy period of my life it should have been due to the distraction of various family problems. I did not graduate with as good a grade as I should have liked. With hindsight I could have organised this period of my life better. I later took a postgraduate course and ensured my priorities were right, with excellent results.

You mum has no quality of life and eats largely for comfort because life for her has so little to offer.

If the university you will be attending is some distance away, that will be your reason to detach yourself from the home situation and I hope your sisters will support you in this. If it is near your home then you will need to be much more careful in how you manage your involvement.

I really do suggest you seek further advice about how you and your sisters manage your mother's diet and health needs - otherwise Mum's health and quality of life are likely to get worse, and distraction from your university studies will be inevitable. Counsellors know how difficult it can be to say "no" to ones we love, and can give practical help. You are in the difficulty situation of trying to balance your studies against your loyalty to your mother. These two factors do not need to be mutually exclusive. However you could lose out on both counts if your mother's health should deteriorate further.

I wish you every success in your University studies. Incidentally universities usually have a counselling service. It would be no bad idea to drop in and inform them briefly of your situation. They could have useful tips related to your situation as a student.
Sometimes weight gain can be caused as a side effect of prescription medication for something else, or it can be caused by depression