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Intimacy - Carers UK Forum


Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Is there no-one out there who looks after their partner as carer and who now faces the near impossibility of seeing their partner as lover. My partner longs for such 'normality', closeness; but I cannot see past her illness any more.
I am amazed that there is no information on this (admittedly difficult) subject here - or on any - web site.
This is one of the things that distresses me, and I suspect it is very common when someone is caring for a spouse/partner: indeed, it is one of the chief elements that makes it quite different from caring for a parent or other older person. In my case, my husband and I are both elderly, but I can see that the effect on the relationship would be even more of a problem if the patient and carer were still only middle-aged or younger.
I'm not sure if I am allowed to give a link here to a research project (in Australia) which addresses precisely this issue, but I did get the link originally on Carers UK, so I suppose it is okay.
There is a thread about this on here.
Totally understand ... From experience. But I am not able or willing to discuss it and suspect I am not alone in that. Sorry and hope you find support somewhere.
Crocus, thanks for the link to the thread on this topic, which I hadn't come across in my general browsing. I skimmed through it rather quickly and superficially, and I was really surprised by how many people felt that it was somehow an inappropriate subject to discuss here. Anyone who feels unable to talk about it can avoid it, of course, but it is definitely not inappropriate on a forum like this one. The effects of illness and the responsibilities of caring completely alter the relationship of the carer and his/her charge, and if they are or have been sexual partners, that change is very significant indeed. A parent/child relationship simply 'reverses' when the child becomes the parent's carer (and that must be difficult enough), but the delicate balance of emotional and physical displays of affection between spouses is totally shattered, and part of the foundation of the relationship is permanently eroded.
Personally, I find it infinitely easier to talk or write about sexual matters than about the revolting waste products of the human body, and yet many of you seem able to tackle that subject without cringing! Image Image

I totally understand where you are coming from and you are right, this subject is almost totally ignored. In my case, it is my husband who has cancer that is more affected. Because of the massive amount of weight he has lost, he now feels that I do not still find him attractive. If I hug him, he pulls away saying I do not want to hug a skeleton. I find it very upsetting but I hide it from him. He is still the man I married and I love him.
Popped back in because I have just remembered that the RELATE organisation is experienced in this area and might be able to offer advice. I suspect there is a waiting list because everywhere seems to be underfunded. I think it used to be called marriage Guidance.
Hi there,

It's certainly a topic that is perfectly appropriate for this forum. However I'm going to lock this one and suggest that any discussion is carried on using the existing thread.

Just neater that way, but also that is within the "health" area of the site that is protected from public view. Only forum members can see it, whereas this area is more public. When the orignal thread started, a few people thought they would feel more comfortable talking about sex and intimacy if it were in the private section of the site.

Best wishes