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Ill, Aging Parents. Need Rant - Carers UK Forum

Ill, Aging Parents. Need Rant

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I don't even do the bulk of the caring so have no right to rant. I do "manage" their care and ferry to hospital etc and today I've just reached end of tether. Dad may or may not start life-saving treatment, his heart may not cope. Mum is heading down a slippery dementia slope. I can't make everything ok. Am doing best to keep the boat afloat but fear I'm not waving but drowning. Also suffering from mixed-metaphor syndrome!
(((HUGS))) freetoleave. Time to shut the door and tell the world that for the rest of the day it will have to manage without you. Meal, bath, CD, cocoa, book, bed. My orders!!!
Seriously though, taking parents to hospital is so frustrating, time consuming and difficult. I shall never forgive the hospital telling my dad he shouldn't have any more milk, because it made his cancer symptoms worse. He was terminally ill, just wanted milk on his cornflakes and coffee made with half milk, half water. Afte they told him he shouldn't have it, he was obsessed with not having any milk because it would kill him. I bought some biscuits one day with milk powder in it, accidentally. "Are you trying to kill me?" was what he said when he found out. He would have been better off having milk and dying 2 weeks earlier.
Thats so sad the doctor telling him that.having that in his head on his mind.
Hi freetoleave
Sounds to me like you're doing a good job in doubly difficult circumstances.
You can't stop the boat with its passengers on a journey of age related decline, no one can.
Best you can do is help steer it a little, maybe avoid a rock or two to make the ride a little smoother but the destination is out of your hands, sadly.

Have you got anyway of releasing the stress at all?, counselling, exercise, someone to take the helm from you occasionally? Same as making sure you have a life jacket on :D
Thank you Bowlingbun and Mrs Average. Your wise counsel is so welcome. this site has helped enormously already. I'll keep on steering but hop off the boat every now and then for diversions. have a good weekend fellow carers.
No, you can't make everything OK, because you can't cure old age. None of us can. It hurts, but we have to let old age happen to those we love.

You say your father's heart might not cope. Does that mean he might actually die, or that he simply becomes more infirm? Risk assessment is tricky. If the life-saving treatment gives him a change of a significantly better quality of life, but with a distinct risk of either death, or much greater infirmity, then you have to carefully think through the implications of both (as does he, if he is up to it).

If he does 'die earlier' what kind of impact will that have on your mum (and yourself of course), and ditto if he becomes more infirm? Or, indeed, if the treatment is deemed a success - how much 'better' will that be for him, and for your mum (ie, given that her dementia is sadly pretty inevitable once it's got underway - though that said, a better quality of life for him NOW might mean he's able to make the 'most' of her before she gets more and more mentally frail.....)

As for keeping the boat afloat - well, it may be time to let it 'ride at anchor, or even 'drift' a bit, while you have some 'recovery time' to recharge those worn out stressed out batteries of yours.

hope YOU have a good weekend too....KR, Jenny