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I've had enough - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

I've had enough

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Fiona, sometimes I am pleased that I do not have a family to battle with.

It is disgusting they are trying to salve their consciences by criticising you. You and your husband need to tell the children that you are managing as well as you are able. Then you need to find ways to reduce your burden. Personal care - no! That needs to be done by someone other than family. After all are you trained to ensure she does not fall? Also if you can reduce your contacts to some more manageable ones, your relationship may improve.

Blood hell! Diddums is a disgusting this to have said. The new 'now' me would have said 'you are behaving like a child' and left her alone (on the naughty step/ front room sofa) for some thinking time. I have said to my mother when she has pretended to cry 'there are no tears mum, you are not really crying' and that has blown her cover and it soon stopped. In the past I would have been wracked with guilt, now I feel relieved I have stopped that guilt trip.
My mother is the queen of selfishness. I have a severely disabled son who she had never lifted one finger to help, when I begged her for help because I couldn't cope she told me 'you had him you look after him'. Ive had severe rheumatoid arthritis for 12 years which leaves me on some days unable to get out of bed, (I'm 46) never mind care for my son. Again, never showed any interest or concern, in fact she delights in seeing me suffer, something I find hard to comprehend as a mother myself. Discussing my reluctance at the possibility of going into a home in years to come, my mother stated 'I will never have to worry about going into a home because I know you will look after me and never put me in a home.' I was speechless!
Lesley - only one reply to make to her:

'Oh yes I will mum - and with the greatest sense of relief and pleasure!'

Then just do it.... :)

All best, Jenny
Lesley, your mum deserves nothing. My counselling helped me sort out my priorities. My son with LD came first, as he couldn't speak up for himself, mum could. I explained this to mum, in an indirect way, and it was, reluctantly, accepted. I suggest you do the same with your mum. If a job needs doing and you can't do it, then she can get someone else. It's up to her. If she doesn't get someone else, then it wasn't that important, was it? I should have had that counselling years ago, I missed out on so much because of mum. It was never "convenient" for mum and dad to baby sit my sons when they were little!
The more I read on this forum, the more I'm convinced of the truth of the following saying:

Selfish parents have unselfish children.
Unselfish parents have selfish children.

So depressing, and so true.
I think often in a family of 2 or more children, one of them is Unselfish and the others are selfish, more than happy to leave any burden to the dutiful son or daughter. The nicer we are, the more that is put upon us and I really have had enough of it. My sister is always moaning about their poverty but they got themselves into that situation by careless financial management and they only have one child. I'm not rich but I work bloody hard and can afford treats etc yet guess who gets given money all the time by my mother? I never ask for money for her shopping etc, I'm happy to bring her bits and pieces but if my sister were to come down on one of her thrice yearly visits, she goes home with several hundred pounds given to her by my mum. Unbelievable!! I've stopped that now as I manage her money hehe xx
jenny lucas wrote:The more I read on this forum, the more I'm convinced of the truth of the following saying:

Selfish parents have unselfish children.
Unselfish parents have selfish children.

So depressing, and so true.
I've read some of the recent threads and I can understand why that saying would crop up - truly appalling circumstances. I just wanted to say that in my case, it's nowhere near the truth, or at least, I hope so! (Lol). I ended up caring for my mum ( really my gran but she raised me from childhood) but she had always said that she would absolutely refuse to have me inconvenienced in any way, and would rather go into a home. She was independent, and I only had to provide hands on care for the last 7 months of her life, when she became ill and very infirm - she understood and accepted the need for careworkers too as I lived a distance from her. Even with this step, we had reached the end of the road just before she died and she knew it, in lucid moments, she asked me to arrange "what's necessary". Right until her last days, she was thinking of my welfare. I was a very lucky woman to have such an amazing lady in my life, I like to think she has passed on the gift of compassion to me X
I felt the need to come back to re visit some of my old posts, it is like a sense of healing. My mum passed away on 4th August after being in hospital for almost 2 months. Like many experiences I have read here, she didn’t die of anything in particular but gradually stopped eating and drinking over that time.
Looking back on my years of caring, I have mixed feelings of pride and guilt...natural I suppose. I took much of the advice on this thread on board back in 2015 and I stopped doing most of her personal care and cleaning and got people in to do it. I think mum felt very sad about it rather than angry. In hindsight, her expectations were born out of fear. fear of being alone, of dying, of falling, of me becoming fed up with caring for her so she clung on. I feel a little guilty for drawing back these past years but I really had to. My sister was still useless and hadn’t visited my mum in nearly 6 months but I was the better person and told her mum was dying so she could see her, which she did.
*Sigh* it has been a journey of self discovery, of love, of duty and despite the crippling pressure I felt, I miss her. She died peacefully, just faded away and I was by her side. I told her how lovely she was, that she was the best mother anyone could ever have wished for and that her brother was waiting for her in heaven. I kissed her face, her lips and stroked her hair as she died. Her heart fluttered like a bird, I had my hand on her chest. It was a truly peaceful death and an intimate experience for me. It was fitting that it was just me with her at the end as it had been for so many years when she was alive.
Again, my sister was absent for funeral arrangements so I did it all myself. It was incredibly stressful! A big Catholic funeral and a lot of people came. I did the eulogy and I rocked it. I got a huge round of applause. I knew her so well, people identified. I feel proud that, as her daughter, I loved her, hated her sometimes, but mostly I loved her, I cared for her, reassured her and was there for her all my life and at the end.

Thank you for reading.
Oh Fiona, what a powerful post. Posted by a very strong and fantastic daughter. I'm so glad you got support in to take over some of the caring tasks. This enabled you to get back the mother- daughter relationship. Well done. She is now at peace. Take time to grieve, be kind to yourself and then go and live a full life.


Fiona, you have been a wonderful daughter. How are you adjusting to life now?