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I've had enough - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

I've had enough

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Denise, it's quite extraordinary to my mind just how 'daft' both dads and husbands can be when it comes to 'cossetting' their 'princesses'!!! I guess it was a legacy of the old way of treating women - as 'delicate' just as you say! No wonder they grew up spoilt and stayed spoilt!

And no wonder, once the 'doting hubby' was no more, they expected their happy little cossetted lives to continue at the expense of their children....

It sounds like the counselling you're having is essential, and doing really good stuff for the inside of your head. It's hard to 'stand up' to people we've been trained to 'kow-tow' to, but it CAN be done.

What's so sad is that the very behaviour that these 'elderly princesses' hand out to their 'servants' (!) is exactly what drives their 'servants' away!!
Jenny you got it there! One of my earliest memories is of my gran saying I must not upset my mum and I must look after her. Evil really wasn't it?
Oh, Lord, no wonder she's the way she is. It's really 'bad parenting' because it does no good to the child to be constantly told they're delicate, or special, or whatever. My niece is very shy, and her 'curse' is to have two outgoing, confident, extroverted parents, who've always seen their daughter's shyness as something 'weird'....the poor girl's grown up thinking there's something seriously 'wrong' with her.....she's lived on anti-depressants and always had 'issues'.....her shyness has been 'medicalised' and she's been kept 'infantilised' (it's revealing I've just referred to her as 'poor' ....you see, I do it too, don't I?!) .

As for your mother, I suppose at her age it's hopeless to try and explain to her that actually, she has as many general human responsibilities for her own behaviour as anyone else, and however 'delicate' she might be medically, morally she can't just take and take and take....others do NOT have to spend their lives 'looking after her'.
Elaine,
Like Jenny, I keep thinking with horror at your mother saying 'Oh diddums' to you when you were stressed. It keeps going through my head and I wonder how she can possibly have meant it. Certainly she was belittling your own suffering, but on top of that, she could only say it if she thought you had no other option than to look after her, as if you had no possibility of a separate life of your own. It sounds as if it's absolutely no part of her understanding of things that you have made a conscious decision to keep looking after her. Anyway, I think it's dreadful!
If anyone said Diddums to me in that situation, it would be the last straw that broke the camel's back. I'd immediately go on strike, and ring the nearest care home with a vacancy. Caring is a two way street. If they don't give a damn about us, why should we care anything for them?
Glad I'm not the only one who red-misted over diddums!

It's one thing for someone with dementia to have no comprehension of how much other people have to do for them, but it's quite another for a caree to mock their carer's efforts. Quite, quite unacceptable behaviour.

Like BB, I think it would be the cue to phone the nearest care-home and be done with it!
Thank you all very much for taking the time to share your caring stories and for being supportive. I can see that many of you have it much harder than me and I am very humbled and in awe of you all. You are much nicer people than I! I am taking it all on board and will try to feel less guilty about not wanting or being able to visit her every day as normally would have done. I saw her on Saturday and she hadn't even noticed I wasn't there on Friday anyway as she was a bit out of it! Some of my family have said its not nice what I am doing and that she is my mum at the end of the day and I should spend time with her as she won't live forever, yet those very same people are too busy or too far away to visit her themselves and they do not realise how exhausting it all is. I will come back for another pep talk soon I am sure, when I have my next meltdown, I know where to turn :)
Yes and the diddums thing was really quite shocking!!
It was a missed opportunity to break free in my mind...if that or similar is ever said to you again, then walk out! Sometimes enough really is enough! I've walked out on my mum before when she was rude to me or told me what to do with regards to my own life. For example she regularly says that my sons are big enough to get their tea or asks why can't someone else cover your shift at work, they're all lazy which is simply not true and she has never even been to my workplace!! So opinionated, I thought it was just her but most of you seem to have suffered it!
Fiona, who in your family are telling you that???

We've already established that your sister is a waste of space, so obviously her views on the situation are of absolutely no relevance whatsoever, and will remain irrelevant unless she shifts her backside and takes on some of the careload! When that day happens she gets an opinion - till then she can keep it where the sun don't shine!

So, who else is daring to criticise you, when they aren't lifting a finger?

I do fear, you know, that simply because you say you are humbled, and that we are nicer than you, that someone in your life has been hammering down on you!!! That really does smack of low-self-esteeem, and a 'guilt reflex' that seems UTTERLY unwarrented! Please, please stop thinking ill of yourself. Your deeds - what you've done, and are doing, for your mum - are all that count. And you've done, and are doing, LOADS.

The ONLY people who get to have opinions about what level of care your mother should have are those who are supplying it! From what you've said, that's only YOU!!!!

on this forum, family like yours are called 'Helicopters' ....they fly in, tell you what you're doing wrong, then buzz off again back to their carefree lives.

Remember, all your family really care about is themselves and NOT having to cope with your mum!

Ignore them!

:) :) :)
My eldest son is quite horrified by my stand on things. He is 26 and has a busy life with career and social life but to give him his due, he is very good in that he visits his grandmother very couple of weeks or so and brings her some goodies. He calls her in between too but he has never had to do the awful personal chores that I have had to do, being a young man, he has no clue really. My sister of course and her husband are now not talking to me. I heard from the nurse that my sister phoned the hospital for an update and that suits me just fine. My daughter is 28 and is more understanding as she stayed with her nan for a while a few years ago and it nearly did her in! My youngest son who is 13 was upset when he overheard me discussing things with my husband who is totally on my side. He loves his nanny but never wants to visit her because it's boring and of course he is too young to know how such stress affects his mums life. My older brother is autistic and I have to look out for him too when he comes from Reading where he lives with assisted care to stay with my mum for weekends and holidays etc My sister never ever calls him, speaks to him or asks after him. Sad really.
The other disapproving relatives live in Ireland so their input is not particularly welcomed as they rarely call her these days since my uncle died. My cousin said oh all old people are like that!