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I need help! - Carers UK Forum

I need help!

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
As mention in my first post here, ive been caring for my mum since i was 13 im now 25, and ive come to a point in my life where i was to settle down and move in with my partner, but everytime i bring this up in conversation with my mum she just starts crying and says "you can't leave me on my own".

As for the caring part its pretty much just cooking, cleaning and shopping. all of which i could still do as i would only be moving 45 minutes away, but everytime i think about it i start to feel guilty. i don't want to leave her on her own, but i feel like i need to so i can have my own life. i also feel like i going to lose my partner over this. im supposed to be moving out today but i just cant do it. does anyone have any advice please. Thanks

has a parent there is no way i would stop my kids having their own life,i think your mother is being selfish and needs to realise the fact,your partner won't wait forever!
Neil seeing as your not doing any personal care for your Mum I think she should be able to manage! I think shes scared of being alone but you are only young and have your own life and your Mum shouldnt stop you leading it so get your bags packed and bite the bullet x
Hi, have you and your mum had any assessments done?
If not, maybe she'd feel more secure and not on her own as much, if a compromise could be reached with some outside assistance. Could maybe make her less dependant on you? Image
Would she be willing to accept that if pushed a little? Image

If I were able to give one piece of advice to other Carers it'd be...live your own life as much as you possibly can! It's not always possible but having been a Carer for 20+ years I know how important it is to preserve some life of your own too - even if it's just a little piece! Sometimes we forget it but you are important and need to live too! Image

Marie x
You have no need to feel guilty. I know that you may still feel that way but I think you have a right to live your own life.I agree that you should be able to move out but (not knowing the full details here) your mum sounds scared of having to deal with the change and having to cope on her own so it might be helpful to ease her in. Possibly stay with your partner (or somewhere) for a short trial run. For your mum it might seem less big and scary then, and if she can get used to short periods than moving out permanently might not scare her so much. You'll know best, but it's another option.
Take care Image
Neil, you're entitled to a life of your choosing. Your Mum's "just" scared: she will get used to the idea.
Thank's for replies guys, i know i need to move out, i need to start my own life, but i don't know how to explain this to mum, im a little scared too i know she'll be fine and ill visit often but i still feel like i shouldnt leave her when i know she'll be fine.
hi neil, i know just how you feel.
my mum said exactly the same things to me when i left home to get married at 19. (we married early in those days.) She was a widow then and my sister had already left home to get married.

48 years later, she is still making me feel guilty all the time, because she is on her own, and won't accept any help from anybody but me.

it very difficult, its just their basic personality i think really. dare i say rather selfish.although they will deny this of course.

leave home now neil, be happy with your partner. lead your life as you want to. Yes visit your mum of course, but don't let her dominate your life. make up your mind that you are not going to call into her everyday, or whatever she demands of you. do what you and your partner want. they are the most important person in your life now. be happy neil and let us know how things go. x
What would you want your Mum to do if the situation were the other way round. You have been a big part of your mums life I would imagine for 25 years.
Not sure who said it but wise words none the less. "If you love someone enough to let them go they will return with free love in their hearts".

If you make a life for yourself now, but still support your mum from a distance you have the chance to be happy. However if you stay and your relationship with your partner fails when your mum dies you will be left alone, possibly homeless, and the love of your life gone forever.

You will probably have a better relationship with your mum in the end, because the time you do spend with her will be quality time you both enjoy, not time you are forced to spend there with resentment.

If this reads as "foot in mouth" then please accept my apologies.xx