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I need advice - Carers UK Forum

I need advice

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
My mum has had a major stroke and is now living back at home. My dad is caring for her but he drinks alcohol every night and becomes a changed man. I have to stay every night until she goes to bed as I’m worried she may fall in his care as she needs his help to walk up the strairs. I have a young son and its affecting my marriage. I have tried to talk to my dad but he just doesn’t listen.
Lisa_191012 wrote:
Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:47 pm
My mum has had a major stroke and is now living back at home. My dad is caring for her but he drinks alcohol every night and becomes a changed man. I have to stay every night until she goes to bed as I’m worried she may fall in his care as she needs his help to walk up the strairs. I have a young son and its affecting my marriage. I have tried to talk to my dad but he just doesn’t listen.
Have you had a needs assessment done or not? Would dad be happy in a alcohol rehab facility? Try telling him that this is not okay. You can ask the council for a needs assessment. Why does he drink so much?
Lisa,
You must stay with your child and family, this is something that mum and dad need to sort out though.

A bit more information would help.

How old are your parents?
How much care does mum now need?
Has dad always been an alcoholic, or is he grieving for the healthy wife he once had?
What does mum say, if she can speak? Is she worried about her safety?
When was mum discharged from hospital?
Were carers organised for her?
bowlingbun wrote:
Sat Nov 02, 2019 7:43 am
Lisa,
You must stay with your child and family, this is something that mum and dad need to sort out though.

A bit more information would help.

How old are your parents? 55 mum & 59 dad
How much care does mum now need? She needs help walking going to toilet extra getting in and out of bed
Has dad always been an alcoholic, or is he grieving for the healthy wife he once had? He has always been like this
What does mum say, if she can speak? Is she worried about her safety? She can speak and yes but she is worried that nobody will look after her.
When was mum discharged from hospital? Nearly 2 months ago
Were carers organised for her? She has the stroke discharge team which are ending soon they get her up in the morning. The night time visits stopped as my dad didn’t want them
Hi Lisa.
Your responsibility is for looking after yourself and your young son.
Your dad was wrong to stop the night time carers from coming - they are NEEDED.
While you continue to go to help your mum every night your dad will sit back and let you get on with it.
Have you tried talking to the 'Stroke discharge team' ? If not then tell them what's happening. Please stick up for yourself .
Put yourself and young son first and your husband too.
Rhona wrote:
Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:54 am
Hi Lisa.
Your responsibility is for looking after yourself and your young son.
Your dad was wrong to stop the night time carers from coming - they are NEEDED.
While you continue to go to help your mum every night your dad will sit back and let you get on with it.
Have you tried talking to the 'Stroke discharge team' ? If not then tell them what's happening. Please stick up for yourself .
Put yourself and young son first and your husband too.
I feel like i have to stick by my mum and my dad would never forgive me if i told the carers he would never speak to me again. I really don’t know what to do anymore
Dad WOULD speak to you again, he would probably behave like a spoiled child for a while, but then accept the situation.
However tough it is, your first responsibilities are
To your child
To your husband.

So many parents seem to forget that their children have grown up and expect them to be "obedient".

What does MUM say about the situation, even if she cannot talk very well, you could still get her to answer in some way, especially if you pose questions that can be answered with a simple thumbs up, thumbs down; or perhaps blinking quickly or slowly.
For example:
Is she happy/unhappy with the current situation?
Does she want to stay in her home?
I understand you feel you need to be there for your mum but think of the future.
Your mum has only been home a few weeks - do you intend to still be doing the 'nightime' shift next month, next year, forever? Best to sort it out now and get the carers to help.
A friend of mine cared for his mum until she was 104, by which time he was an old man too!

Please try to find a BALANCE between mum and your family.
Lisa_191012 wrote:
Sat Nov 02, 2019 4:42 pm
Rhona wrote:
Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:54 am
Hi Lisa.
Your responsibility is for looking after yourself and your young son.
Your dad was wrong to stop the night time carers from coming - they are NEEDED.
While you continue to go to help your mum every night your dad will sit back and let you get on with it.
Have you tried talking to the 'Stroke discharge team' ? If not then tell them what's happening. Please stick up for yourself .
Put yourself and young son first and your husband too.
I feel like i have to stick by my mum and my dad would never forgive me if i told the carers he would never speak to me again. I really don’t know what to do anymore
Think of the future. Can dad talk to the carers himself or not? Also speak with the stroke team. Perhaps they can help you.