[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
I need a break - Carers UK Forum

I need a break

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
My partner had a stroke 20 years ago when he was 56 and he is now 76. Over the years he has become increasingly dependent and demanding. He is at high risk of falls and becomes anxious, paranoid and confused when I am away from home. he recently came out of hospital after being admitted for 7 weeks following pneumonia and flu and is weaker than ever. I have just taken early retirement as it became impossible to manage juggling his needs and work commitments and I was always on edge in case he had fallen.

I haven't had a day away from him for over 6 months and it's really getting to me. A family member has provided cover for short breaks in the past but cannot offer it now and I am looking for other options. With his high risk of falls and anxiety/confusion I don't feel he can be left alone for long periods, including at night. A care provider has quoted £500 for 24 hour inhouse care. Apparently a local care home offers respite (if available) for £500 per week but I am finding it difficult suggest this to him and being away from home may cause more confusion and anxiety. He suffered with delirium during his recent hospital admission.

I only want three nights away to have time out with a friend but at 60 feel I am becoming as housebound as he is.
I totally understand why you need a break!

Re costs of in house care - a friend of mine has her father with dementia living with her, and when she wants (NEEDS!) a break, she hires a live in carer from a local care agency. She was recently away for 6 nights (might have been five), but the total bill came to only £1000 - which is HUGELY less per 24 hours than the £500 you've been quoted!

I agree that respite care in a care home would be much easer for you (and £500 for a week sounds very good - my MIL's care home costs her £700 a week). I know he would be confused etc, but really, considering he has you the rest of the time, personally I think that even if he is 'unhappy' well, that's just what he has to put up with for a week.

He may not 'agree' with that, but 'tough'.....YOU need a break, as right now you are devoting your entire life to him - for him to have to put up with a week in respite is a small 'price to pay' for what he's getting from you!
Thanks Jenny

Maybe I'll try a few more providers to see if any do it cheaper.
Janet, when did he last have Social Services Needs Assessment, and you a Carers Assessment?
Are you claiming Attendance Allowance/DLA for him, and Carers Allowance for you? Did you know that he was exempt from Council Tax due to severe mental impairment?
Do you have less than £46,000 between you? If so Social Services may fund some or all of his care.
Before his discharge from hospital, did they do an NHS Continuing Healthcare Assessment?
Janet, remember if he goes into respite care (ie, rather than have a live in carer), it doesn't really matter WHERE he is. You won't be visiting, you'll be away.

So if, say, there is a good place offering respite at the right time and the right price, even if it's miles and miles away, do consider it! (I'm assuming you have a car?)(but even the cost of a private ambulance might make it possible?????)

I have put my MIL into a residential care home (a permenant one for her) in the westcountry, though I live in the home counties (I have family in the westcoutnry). It was simply cheaper down there! (eg, for dementia care up here it's about a clear £1k a week, and sometimes higher - it's a rich area, so the care homes are very luxuruious- sadly, wasted on poor MIL with dementia, as she hasn't a clue about whether the place is a luxury hotel or not!).

Down in the westcountry the weekly prices are about £700-800 - since she is self-funding that makes a substantial difference!

As I say, your husband may not like it, may not 'agree' etc, but whether or not he does is NOT the point - the point is you NEEED a break ,or you can't keep going.

The 'ill and elderly' can become very 'self-focussed', but as I say, well, 'tough'. You call your husband 'demanding' - but is he still APPRECIATIVE of what you've done for him? I do hope so! I know the marriage vows say 'in sickenss and in health', but they don't say that if it's sickness, the sick person can ASSUME they'll be well cared for, and they don't have to say 'Thank you, darling, for EVERYTHGIN you do for me!!!!'