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I'm mentally exhausted - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

I'm mentally exhausted

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Melly you are correct he doesn't like spending money at all. He does contribute £20 a week for shopping but that includes 2 bottles of wine. He has always been parniod about money.

Ironing is for both of us. I clean his bathroom 3 times a day. Bed changes. The carers do his morning breakfast but he insists on having two breakfasts so I do the second one. The garden is cut by the Council and I just leave it.

I have learned don't have an opinion. If I try and say one is enough he just loses it. He doesn't do the excerises just sits all day. Previously I always encouraged him but I learned quickly that I should stay quiet. He is unhappy I won't take him out. I simply cannot. He is very heavy/large and I do not have the strength on the ramp with his wheelchair.

I'm considering moving out. I feel terrible but I cannot cope anymore. Even if I try the suggestions I know it will be short term fix as eventually I'll do something wrong. I'm just torn as I feel like I've failed. I don't have a high opinion about myself never had and it cuts me when my own father is so mean. I'm a grown man I should handle it.

Sorry I'm ranting away.
Mean doesn't even begin to describe it!!!!* £20 including two bottles of wine!!
So does that mean you have to use your own money to buy food for both of you.
Definitely move out if he doesn't want to listen to you.
Sadly, this may mean that the value of his house goes on his care, not passed down to you, but I really think your own health is far more important.
The only alternative is for you to take a two week holiday as soon as you can, so that finally he realises how much he needs you, or it's time for residential care.
The only other thing I can think of is for his mental state to be reassessed. Clearly he is living in the past as far as the cost of shopping is involved, and he gets stroppy with you if you don't do what he wants.
In fact he's incredibly controlling.
You don't have to put up with this, and if he's been like this all his life, sadly, it will never change.
Put yourself first now.

Where were you living before you moved in? Can you go back there, or find somewhere to rent?
Frank _2101 wrote:
Sun Jan 31, 2021 12:19 pm
Melly you are correct he doesn't like spending money at all. He does contribute £20 a week for shopping but that includes 2 bottles of wine. He has always been parniod about money.

Ironing is for both of us. I clean his bathroom 3 times a day. Bed changes. The carers do his morning breakfast but he insists on having two breakfasts so I do the second one. The garden is cut by the Council and I just leave it.

I have learned don't have an opinion. If I try and say one is enough he just loses it. He doesn't do the excerises just sits all day. Previously I always encouraged him but I learned quickly that I should stay quiet. He is unhappy I won't take him out. I simply cannot. He is very heavy/large and I do not have the strength on the ramp with his wheelchair.

I'm considering moving out. I feel terrible but I cannot cope anymore. Even if I try the suggestions I know it will be short term fix as eventually I'll do something wrong. I'm just torn as I feel like I've failed. I don't have a high opinion about myself never had and it cuts me when my own father is so mean. I'm a grown man I should handle it.

Sorry I'm ranting away.
feel like I've failed
You haven't failed you gave it a go. Your Dad hasn't been receptive. There isn't many people with a pre-existing medical condition. Who would take on another person's medical issues. Parent or not. The first rule in first aid is ... Always protect yourself first – never put yourself at risk. Think of it in this way. And you will see the way forward.
Someone has failed, and it is NOT YOU!

From the latest information you've given us, dad has probably never treated you well.
He definitely isn't now.
He should be kind and appreciative, generous, doing everything he can to help you help him.
In reality, he's completely the reverse.
He's thinking only of himself. Time for you to do the same.
Vote with your feet, escape, and look after your own health.
Thanks everyone. I think its time I moved on.
Agreed, everyone is using you for their own ends. Stand up for yourself as no one else will. I learned this too late in life.
Frank, I am saddened to read of the severity of the problems. You've done a tremendous amount for your father, but there's something far more important. It's you. Your father is very ill, but it's damaging your own health too. My wife has MS and if I became ill with dementia, the last thing I'd want would be for her look after me in the long term. I'd want her to put me into care as soon as she began struggling with my needs. It's common, as you know, for those with dementia to become aggressive and selfish. But they're unaware of it and the impact on others, especially family carers. To be honest, there's no logical point in trying to 'step back and stay calm' at this stage of the disease. All carers lives are diminished to various degrees by providing support. However, there comes a point when it's time to make hard care decisions. Never seriously sacrifice you own mental or physical health for anyone. If they loved, you they'd understand. If they didn't, it's their problem not yours. I wish you well, Frank, and hope you are able to provide updates. You are not alone. Take care. Mike
Sounds very much like my husband ,, I am his unpaid carer and assist with personal needs,as well as everything else to do with house and garden, his foul mouth and constant abuse to me is getting worse. As an amputee and only 70 he seems to blame me for his disability,, I find I do shout back,m it is so hard not to,, if i walk away he shouts after me ,, no help from any social departments,, I will persevere with not getting into a confrontation,, but I do sympathise with your predicament ,m I will follow any advice you receive.
Wendy, it sounds like your husband needs a reality check!
When did you last have a Carers Assessment from Social Services?
No one, not even a wife, can be forced to care.
Verbal abuse is still abuse. Can you record him on your phone safely?
Is he GP aware what's going on?