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I'm mentally exhausted - Carers UK Forum

I'm mentally exhausted

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Hi

I look after my Dad who is 85 and lost most of his mobabilty and other issues.

Lately he just starts mentally calling and shouting horrible things. I'm ugly, useless and waste of space just some of the things. It like a light switch one minute he is fine and the boom.

I have a care package in place but he doesn't let them do anything apart from a coffee.

I know I should just ignore it but I'm also disabled and I push and push myself and go out my way for him.

His GP says he is mentally fine. He just sits in front of the TV all day.

I'm sorry this post is all over the place.

I'm just stuck. I'm not sure how I should deal with it. I admit today I bit back and shouted back saying who is he talking at.

Argh life sorry again.
Hi & welcome Frank

Do you live with your Dad. Has there been a change in Dad's medication. If the G.P. seems to think Dad's OK. Other than unwanted verbal abuse. Is there others things happening i.e change in sleeping habits, personal care, memory lapses - loosing things around the home etc. If you can try and keep a daily diary. This gives a bigger/better picture when speaking with professionals etc. It doesn't matter what Dad's age is he has no right to abuse you!!
He just sits in front of the TV all day
Effectively Dad can do this all day long. However, if it means you are then running about after him. It's not OK!

It's OK to answer back but try not to shout. I know that's easy said than done. Otherwise it will just become who's shouting the loudest. And nothing productive will come for it. Just say Dad I hear what you are saying. But I do not have to listen too your verbal abuse. I'll come back when you speak to me appropriately and calmly. Just remove yourself. I hope that doesn't sound to patronising as it's not meant to me. As parents get older child parent relationship changes. And neither party necessarily wants it. But change in circumstance's can dictate the role reversal.

You are still doing a good job even if it doesn't feel like it. You are there for your Dad.
but I'm also disabled Can you expand on this. As your own health is just as important as your Dad's

Thanks for replying.

He doesn't look after his personal care. Wash himself. His care package was covering this however he told them no. I only noticed after the smell around the house and lack of washing. I addressed it with him and he agreed every 2 days but he has stopped again. His short term memory is terrible but long term is very good. He has started talking to people that are not in the room.

He has a strict routine with me and the carers if we run late or they arrive late he becomes difficult.

A diary I will start that that's a good idea.

I totally get what you say re shouting the loudest. I just wish I could step back like you say it all makes sense. I really need to be calm.

I have Multiple Sclerosis for 15 years. My MS team are brilliant they check in on me as they know I'm struggling with things. I have my own cognitive issues. I just wanted to help him but I think I've made a mistake.

ps you didn't sound patronising
Frank, you shouldn't be pushing yourself for dad, it's clearly affecting your health. Have you told your own GP what you are living with? Having to do?
How old is dad?
Does he own or rent the house?
Claiming Attendance Allowance?
Is he paying Council Tax?
Have over £23,000 in savings? That is usually the limit for Social Services help.
The current carers should be making sure dad is letting them do what they are contracted to do. Are they Social Services funded?
Is it possible for you to record dad's verbal outbursts on your phone? Others have found it irrefutable evidence to show medical staff there IS a problem.
Who does his laundry and housework and cooking and shopping?
When did you last have a Needs Assessment from Social Services for your own health issues?
Hi Frank and welcome,

You say
I just wanted to help him but I think I've made a mistake.
Do you mean have you just moved in with him?

You do need to be careful as stress can make your MS symptoms worse.

I agree the diary is a good idea. I think you should contact his GP with your latest concerns.

Does he drink enough? It would be worth ruling out a UTI (urinary tract infection).

Melly1
Hello Frank and welcome
Do you think he is feeling worse due to the current Lockdown? That would be understandable especially if other family members and friends are no longer visiting him. Did he used to go out more before the pandemic?
The reason I've mentioned this is because I've noticed a deterioration in my elderly mum these past few weeks/months. She moans and groans a lot more and is only interested in herself. But when she has visitors she is much more cheerful and alert.
Hi

Yes moved back in for additional support. At the time he just wanted me around for security but the demands started very quickly.

He owns his on home. I do his washing, I clean what I can around the house (my Ms means my own walking gets bad when I move about a lot). I pay for an ironing service. I lived in for a year with him now and his abuse is getting worse. I do his shopping. His tablets. Although I have asked for help with his tablets from the chemist waiting on an answer.

It's social care that is contracted out. They have 30 minutes slots but spend a maximum of 10 minutes.

Re people visiting. Pre Convid19 he has cut himself off from everyone. He doesn't like people and always finds fault or thinks they want his money. He has been like that for years.

Re the advice. Be calm and just walk away when he starts shouting. I just need to step back and try harder.

The good thing I have my own living area.
Frank,
Does the ironing service iron both your clothes? If so, your Dad should be sharing the cost.

I’m getting the feeling he isn’t keen on using his money?

I think it’s time to give him some choices - ie he needs to employ a cleaner and allow the care workers to assist with his personal care and perhaps his laundry or his meals too? If not, you are considering moving out again.

You could also use internet food shopping- if not for everything for the heavy stuff.

You would feel less stressed and more tolerant if you were doing less physical stuff that adversely affects your MS. You would then find it easier to walk away.

Does he claim attendance allowance? This could cover costs of a cleaner and go towards the cost of the ironing.

Melly1
I'd go further than Melly.

You should not be doing ANY housework at all!
You are his son, not his slave or domestic help.
You look after your own room, someone else he pays for does everything else.

If the carers come and go in ten minutes, talk to the care agency. Agree that they can and should do anything he needs. They must try harder to make sure his personal care is done properly.

They should put his laundry on. A washer dryer might help with this. They have mixed reviews, I'm not overjoyed with my current model, apart from very light loads, so I tend to use a tumble dryer instead.

They should clean the bathroom and the kitchen when they've used it.

Does his house have a garden. Are you trying to do that as well?
Frank at present as Dad isn't receptive to help.

You need to get help and support for you.

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... al-support

Being on the forum is a very positive move. Hopefully you are finding this helpful!

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... al-support