[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
I come on here often - Carers UK Forum

I come on here often

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
but I don't post much. I read what you are all going through and I don't know how you all cope. You make me feel that I am selfish, but I need to talk to people who might understand. My friends don't and I feel so alone. Please don't think badly of me when you've read this.

My husband is not living with me now since his rages. At first, I saw him for a few hours every day and he phoned me constantly. I did his laundry, cooked and froze meals for him, cleaned the flat for him. I took him to see his widowed mother every Sunday. It got to the stage where I was running nyself into the ground. Both Social Srevices and the rehab team told me to back off as they wanted to know what he could and couldn't do for himself.

I had to tell him that I would see him one day a week and then he started phoning 20 times a day. We didn't have conversations: he just repeated over and over again the same things. He is obsessed with me as I am all he has left of his previous life and he is desperate to come home. He says everything will be fine when he comes home as he is better now. He isn't and won't be and it breaks my heart. I don't answer the phone to him except last thing at night. I told him I would like to have a conversation with him and that we could both talk about what we had done during the day. He has no insight into the fact that there is anything wrong with him and I am told it is unlikely that he ever will have, so how can he ever progress?

He puts huge emotional pressure on me and I can't even function properly any more: can't do simple things, forget things, panic when things go wrong. I see him on Sundays and take him to visit his mother and it takes me till Tuesday or Wednesday to recover and then I dread seeing him again the next Sunday. I hate to say it but I don't even like this person who looks like Ronnie, but who isn't. He will never be the same person who walked out the door on 30th May last year.

Living like this is like living in limbo. I live day to day and can't plan ahead as everything is so uncertain. I don't want to abandon him but can't cope with seeing him or with the phone calls. The rehab counsellor says I need to be consistent with him, but I get so exhausted that I can't hold out against his demands to visit home, to be with me and then afterwards I just can't function any more.

The compensation case could take two or more years to come to court. We have no income as his partners didn't submit a claim for the Permanent Health Insurance till the end of April (it was a policy with a year's deferal). They paid him a fraction of his share of the profits and won't pay out the rest. I have taken on a part time job but can't get my head in gear to do it.

Please talk to me.
Fourmerk, I can't begin to understand what you're going through. I've heard many carers talk about having to cope with a stranger in the body of someone they love, but I'm fortunate so far in that it hasn't happened to anyone in my family so far.

Many people with brain injuries, dementia, or anything else that can affect the mind, have difficulties in recognising their new limitations and many are totally and blissfully unaware - it seems to the mind's way of coping with a situation it can't understand.

Not that it makes it any easier for you. Have you thought of asking your GP about counselling? Talking about it - really talking - to someone can be of immense help. Certainly I'd talk to the rehab people about counselling for you, if you'd rather not go to your GP.

It is so difficult: have you been in touch with SHIF? It's a group that supports people with head injuries and their carers.http://www.shif.org.uk/ They don't appear to have a web forum but there are contacts, etc., so it's worth a go. There's at least a chance to have contact with more people who are going through the same thing as you.

But don't forget we're still here for you.
hello fourmerk,

i cant add much more than what charles has said, i am sure
there will be more people here that will come on and help
and support you, a lot of carers/former carers go through different changes
and one of the most identifing thing is the loss of friends, and
sometimes even family,i think charles advice regarding the g.p.
is a good idea.

keep posting though, as sometimes that helps, a lot of
people feel better once they have.

krys
xxx
Fourmerk. I feel for you I really do. You have to think of yourself in this uneviable situation, you cannot go on being terrorised by this man, albeit not his fault. I think you have to take time out and have no contact at all with him in order to preserve your sanity. This is probably much easier said than done, I realise that. Please get professional advice in order to see a way forward.
Fourmerk, I can't begin to understand what you're going through. I've heard many carers talk about having to cope with a stranger in the body of someone they love, but I'm fortunate so far in that it hasn't happened to anyone in my family so far.

Many people with brain injuries, dementia, or anything else that can affect the mind, have difficulties in recognising their new limitations and many are totally and blissfully unaware - it seems to the mind's way of coping with a situation it can't understand.

Not that it makes it any easier for you. Have you thought of asking your GP about counselling? Talking about it - really talking - to someone can be of immense help. Certainly I'd talk to the rehab people about counselling for you, if you'd rather not go to your GP.

It is so difficult]http://www.shif.org.uk/[/url] They don't appear to have a web forum but there are contacts, etc., so it's worth a go. There's at least a chance to have contact with more people who are going through the same thing as you.

But don't forget we're still here for you.
Thank you, Charles and krys.

I have been to the GP - a few months ago. He had given me anti-depressants but they didn't work. When I went again, he said there was nothing he could do for me as the depression in a reaction to my circumstances and often the pills don't work for that type osf depression. It turns out that the GP himself was suffering from depression!

The rehab/relationship counsellor is a big help and she thinks I should tell my husband that I won't see him or take his phone calls. That doesn't solve the bigger issue: that I can't live with him and that he's desperate to come home and doesn't understand why I won't allow him to live here with me as he's "better now."

I have never heard of SHIF but will take a look.
Morning FM,

Hope you are feeling a bit better this morning and managed to get some sleep.

If you get time take a look at these links...

http://www.rethink.org/applications/dis ... post_id=26

http://www.rethink.org/applications/dis ... =6825&id=0 different circs to yours but some of the feelings the same.

There is a menu down right hand side which allows you to click on different categories.

http://www.sane.org.uk/app/webroot/DiscussionBoard/

I am not sure if the above any use but certainly worth checking out when you have time.

Be strong
Rosemary
x x x x

.
.[/quote]

Dear Rosemary,

I feel washed out this morning. Although I sleep well, I still waken up tired.

I've looked at Rethink and the post you suggested and there are lots of people there with similar problems but, as you say, due to different circumstances. I will join Rethink. Shame they only operate in England, though.

Haven't looked at Sane yet, but will do.

Thank you for everything. You've been a huge help.

Joan
Joan, my husband suffered devastating brain damage after a brain haemorrhage. I am fortunate that his personality hasn't been affected in the way that your husband's has, but some days it is like living will someone with dementia.

Would your husband, if he was in full possession of his faculties, want you to go through the trauma he is putting you through? I bet the answer is 'no'. Therefore you have to protect yourself from him, which he would think was reasonable if he was thinking straight!
Sarniajoy,

There was a patient in my husband's ward who had suffered brain damage from a haemmorhage. It was tragic as he was in his 40's with two young children. He was doubly incontinent and was almost like a baby but was mobile. Eventually after he was discharged, his wife couldn't cope as they didn't get enough carers and he had to go into a home. I can understand and sympathise when you say it's like living with dementia.

I hadn't thought of how my husband would think if he were his real self. You're right. He would hate to see me put through this. Thank you.
Morning Joan,

How are you this morning? Do you have fog up there? My hubby rang this morning to say some of the fellas he works will are fogged on so no flights to get them off the rigs today.Forecast is worse for tomorrow.

x x x