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I can’t do it anymore - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

I can’t do it anymore

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.

this is a lot to unpick.

Clearly you are doing a great job with your daughter - but the mental and physical toll on you is becoming too high, if you go down - then what? I realise you are exhausted and the thought of fighting with IPSEA's support is something you dread doing and don't have energy for - but what are your options - stay as you are or fight?

PDA profile is little understood by many professionals. Are you a member of https://www.pdasociety.org.uk? Can they offer any advice re how they have got help for their children/young people?

I think this is the thing and why I feel lost and like their is no solution. I’m reasonably convinced that me going down actually only means me being dead as far as social care are concerned and would result in the same outcome as me asking for help - my children being put into residential care with an explanation of their needs that basically says that they have been badly parented and need discipline. So I know the other option is to fight them but from past experience this just entrenches the view about me, which I think has damaged all the children - but my daughter most of all - and results in withdrawal of the things I think help & introduction of more behavioural services/separating her from me stuff.

Every time this has resulted in harm coming to her then violence and hospital. She had 3 years without an admission (I think) because I had stopped using behavioural techniques & moved to low arousal & we had a series of understanding social workers where she made enough progress to engage with a school which was all then undone by children with disabilities social workers deciding it was parenting & she needed behavioural services again. Next time that happens she may well actually kill me as her violence has escalated with each hospital admission and then it is the same result.
So, going forward ...

somehow survive the holidays, avoiding behavioural strategies and implementing low arousal techniques that you know work.

Get everyone back to the school/ in term time routine and contact IPSEA for help implementing advice of professionals you most trust (Private reports.)

Was the independent psychologist able to recommend any services/placements/professionals who could implement PDA-friendly support?

I started to write about my son's issues, but it was turning into an essay.
Contact IPSEA for advice, your daughter is entitled to education until she is 25.
I know there are several very special residential schools in the New Forest where I live, a neighbour worked in one, but the fees are very high. I strongly suspect the LA is saying they can't find anywhere suitable, because of the cost involved.

Your health is being totally ignored, from what you have written, yet it is so important. It's vital you have time off to recharge your batteries, or you are going to end up very ill, as I did. All your kids need support, so between them, you deserve help.

I wish I could offer more help, just wanted you to know that the LA and social workers were all horrible to me too, and ignored my health completely. Between 14 years old and 16 years old my son had no respite at all, (I later found out I was being punished for making a formal complaint!)
By the time my son was 16 my GP told them that my son MUST move into residential care, so they had to find the money.
It is good all good advice thank you and I appreciate not feeling alone in this at least.

I can afford one private assessment per year and have a social work assessment booked in for November (earliest they could do). I’m not sure if it will actually have any impact on anything.

I’m just struggling. My eldest is angry all the time, my younger daughter is falling apart and I think it has tipped the balance in combination with the school breaking up and social care picking this time to start pestering. I spent the whole weekend crying.

It is hard to find any positives or any hope at the moment. Things are so broken between me and the local authority now that I just can’t see how they could ever be repaired or how I could ever let them into my home again.

I think from my own stuff it is true that it is rare to find anywhere that can meet her needs - I had to send the EHCP to schools myself at one point because the LA weren’t doing it (and blaming me for not picking a school even though I couldn’t visit any because no replacement care and no transport - ‘it’s your problem… just leave her with a neighbour’). All the ASC provisions said her mental health was a barrier. My solicitor said they will never be able to find a foster carer who is willing so I shouldn’t worry about threats on that front.

She seems to fall between gaps. Therapeutic placements/services can’t deal with the ASC, ASC provisions can’t deal with the MH.

I don’t have contact with health for myself at all, not even the GP, ‘you can have healthcare when your daughter goes to school’ is what the LA said.
Some of the things I just can’t believe ‘just leave her with a neighbour’ when they come two by two because they think she is a risk to them. ‘We’ve only got your word for it’ when she was sitting in hospital having been brought there by the police after attacking me and the woman from the behavioural service, when she has been s136 in the past and when others see it just writing it off as me ‘recruiting professionals’… It is so awful. I don’t know how they sleep at night.
@Katherine_1802 Thanks for using our forum to reach out for support, and there is a lot in your post that is obviously very concerning, so I will send you a private message with some pointers.
Carers UK Carer Support team