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How would you deal with this ? - Carers UK Forum

How would you deal with this ?

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
How do you deal with a person you care for who

Is rude and ungrateful for what is done for them, complaining about those that do help.
Refuses to do anything for themselves, despite being able to do some if not all that's needed.
Lies or expands the truth to gain sympathy and attention.
Will not ask for help but will expect it unconditionally.
Has no empathy for others
Demands her needs are met immediately with out concern for the person she is demanding from.
Constantly wants to know what you are doing and why, but then shouting at you to stop interfering with her life, when you are only trying to help.
Organising someone else's life so that they will help with hers.
Uses emotional blackmail on the only one person that will help unconditionally, so much so that it reduces that person to tears.


I know I need a break but nobody seems to take it seriously ???
NOTHING, just carry on caring .
I would take a step back and have some time out for you
NOTHING, just carry on caring .

Why ?

I need a reason to carry on.

I've lost so much to help this person.

I might sound low in mood but I'm not, I'm frustrated and don't want to loose more, I'm trying to protect myself.
Hi pluto,
There are so many variables here
- why is this person your caree? Does she have dementia, or mental health issues, or something else?
- is she elderly, or have reduced mobility or something that might make her very frustrated?
- does she live with you, in her own home or in a care home?
- and, finally, what relationship is she to you?

What you do depends very much on the answers to the above. I think we can all recognise some of the things that you have posted about, but one size doesnt fit all. Do you feel able to post a few more details?
Maybe if you can post of who you care for maybe we can help you more
I'm sorry, just had a really bad few weeks.

I'm talking about my mum, she has copd, on oxygen but manages well with most things, it has limited her mobility which I know is frustrating for her, but she has so much support around her which she refuses to use as " I have her" meaning me to do everything for her. If it's not me then it's not good enough, there rubbish, so much negativity that people are refusing to help her due to her rudeness towards them.she has full capacity and can recall conversations etc. She lives in a warden controlled flat, so much going on around her but refuses to join in as they are not her "type of people" she just wants me sitting with her or taking her out. This is not new for mum, she's been like this all of her life, my uncle described her as always having a nasty side if things didn't go her way, one of these " I will speak my mind " without thought of who it hurts.
I was diagnosed with a progressive disorder but to her, I'm not unwell " you look fine to me" "I'm really the unwell one "and will then demand nurses/ gps to see her as she's feeling under the weather, everything's been fine, no concerns from them physically or mentally. I've been off sick recently, so she has arranged things to be done in the flat, without even asking if I can do what she wants doing, these are things I can't help her with at the moment whilst I'm sick, but has refused to rearrange them so I can help her in the future. I've been shouted at, told to stop interfering but then demand to know what I done every minute of every day, phoning constantly and if I don't answer straight away " why you must be well " I just feel I have lost my freedom, I'm an adult but she will happily call me stupid if she doesn't like a decision I've made in my own life.
I worry this could become an unhealthy situation and I certainly don't want it to come to this, I want to continue being her carer/ daughter but I can't be everything else that she wants and nobody in the family is willing to come and help, despite me being in tears on the phone with them. What ever strategy I put in place she then undermines it as not good enough and this is what's causing me to be so frustrated at the moment.
You have nothing to be sorry for

I would ring social services and ask for a carers assesement it sounds as if you need a break they could put extra support in place and ease the stress and pressure off you
Hi pluto, thanks for your reply
The scenario of of an older person (often mum) not wanting anyone else to do things - because "X will do it" is so, so common and there is a lot of emotional blackmail that goes on Image You are not superwoman and no-one can do everything, especially if you have health problems of your own. I think it has probably already become an unhealthy relationship.
So ...... tough love required
First thing is to get an answerphone and only answer if its convenient (or a genuine emergency)
You dont have to go to see her all the time - even though she would obviously prefer that. Say when you are going and stick to your guns. My MIL tried lots of manipulative behaviour to get us to go round all the time and obviously wanted family with her 24/7 - which was just not going to happen - so I know a bit about how hard it is to say no, but you are her daughter, not her slave.
Never let her make you change your mind about something that you have said will/will not happen
Distance yourself when she calls the GP, or whoever, in - its not your responsibility, nor your fault if she does this for no reason.
Learn to say "whatever" and walk away when she is rude to you - you dont have to put up with that. Tell her that you are not prepared to be spoken to like that and just leave.
And finally - book yourself a week (or even a week-end) away. Make sure that support is in place, make sure she cant contact you while you are away - although obviously make sure you can be contact by some-one else if there is a real problem - and go.
xx
Thank you tracie and crocus x
A new morning, a new day, yesterday's frustration is yesterday's news as they say.

Thank you x