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How to aproach Dementia Day Care - Page 4 - Carers UK Forum

How to aproach Dementia Day Care

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Morning all.

Thanks for the advice re the POE. Although I would not look forwards to broaching that subject with Mum.
As suggested I will Google it too.
Sitting service and some respite I think would be an help for Mum but she is still resistant to the idea. Only mentions respite when she is frantic exhausted/ in tears. When that passes and she feels better it's not option.

Thanks all for your continued support.

I will update the thread as things change.

Have you done a POA so that if anything happens to you someone can do things for you? If not, you and mum could do yours at the same time. It's so important to sort these out in advance.
You may have to be really firm with your Mum about respite etc. I am sad that I wasn't with mine. Maybe just say that you have organised it and this is what is happening?

My Mum now has dementia which I think in part was due to disturbed sleep and social isolation. I am not saying this to scare you , as who knows, she may have got dementia anyway. It is just that often that the cared for person's needs take over absolutely everyone else's. There HAS to be a balance.

It is awful and tragic that Dad is unwell, but it isn't anyone's fault. Your Mum running herself into the ground isn't gong to make him better, just will perhaps make her ill too, which is what happened to us. I wish we had faced all this head on at an earlier stage rather than being plunged into crisis for months on end with Dad ending up in hospital for 9 months. The sad likelihood is that Dad will , in all probability, need more care than Mum can offer at some point. Hard as it is now, it is better to have plans in place or to try and head it off by ensuring that Mum gets a break.

But I do understand, my parents were equally stubborn! It really isn't easy. At the end of the day, you can only do what you can do. It is hard.
Hi Gary,

I have been in similar shoes with a mother with dementia, which only helped to exaggerate the stubbornness. I failed to get her to go to a daycare centre, I managed respite when desperate by putting her in a taxi and telling her we were going shopping. I then cried all the way to the airport!! But, without me there, mum settled down and although not happy, survived to tell the tale.

Some months later when residential care was really the only option (and yes, I too had that feeling), I knew what the home was like, that mum would survive and equally important the care staff already knew her.

The reason I am saying this is that respite can be a form of preparation for the future when dad's needs are so great that nursing care is the only option. At the later stages of dementia, as you are no doubt realising, one person's devoted care is just not enough.

In your shoes, I would visit some homes to get an idea of what is available in the area. you may never need them but like a Boy Scout, it helps to be prepared.

Wishing you well, a dreadful situation. If you have any questions, fire away.

Definitely do POA soon for your Mum. You can download the forms and do it yourselves. It is so much easier in the long run to be able to manage their finances, their health and access to GP to discuss things with them, and if needed property sales in the future etc etc etc.

I had to do it for both parents in the end. Both very stubborn, and saying we will never not be able to control our finances!! To cut a long story short it has been invaluable as I have needed to use it to liase with the hospital, nursing homes, finances, council, utilities, pensions and finally to sell my parents home legally. None of the above will deal with you or give you information unless you have it.
Please explain to your Mum it is to 'safeguard' her. My Dad was terribly conned on his bank account and by a double glazing firm as he started to get confused sometimes. He just didn't want to admit that he couldn't control it all anymore.

I would also go to look at some nearby homes for your Dad. I hated doing it but was lucky enough to get some good advice from this forum. One good piece of advice was to 'go for ease of visiting' and not choose one too far away. Also look at the review sites and try to visit as many as possible to have some shortlisted. It will help you in the long run as when I looked I knew there were definitely some that I didn't want my Dad to end up in.

Take care of yourselves x
"Wishing you well, a dreadful situation. If you have any questions, fire away.
Anne "

Thanks for your detailed reply Anne.

Your experiances really help.


Thanks for your very kind advice.

I know it makes sense. Getting around to doing it is another matter.

Hi All

I just came back to update the thread. Unfortunately not with the greatest of news.

Sadly my Dad passed away on 26th March 2020.

We just had the funeral this passed Thursday.

Dad had a fall and was taken into hospital. He had pneumonia again (don't think it completed shifted from the last time).

In the fall he broke two ribs.

Dad's condition didn't respond to well to the antibiotics.

The convid virus was upon us by the end of his stay in hospital. By this time we had been going in hospital to feed Dad at all meal times to make sure he got fed and watered !

So in reality he was receiving nursing care.

Obviously they needed every bed possible so we had to get Dad into a nursing home.

Very hard as everyone knows you can't view or visit them at this time.

Dad was moved to a nursing home and passed away after two nights.

I just thought I would let you all know as you have been a great support when I needed it.

Many thanks all.

Gary, I'm very sorry to hear about dad.
He is at peace now, but it will be very difficult for you and mum to adjust to the situation. I speak as a widow myself.
Please come back if there is anything at all we can help with.
Sad to hear about your dad
Thinking of you and your Mother