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How to aproach Dementia Day Care - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

How to aproach Dementia Day Care

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.

Thanks for your continued support.
I'm sure Mum has enjoyed her short time alone. Although I think it's early days for her too. She has feelings of guilt and worries that Dad will be ok.
Guilt for sending him and she feels awful that she as to bother my Sister and I with her problems. Always apologizing.

@MrsAverage "She was grinning broadly front centre. Busted!!!"

That made me smile !

Worries of dad being ok will be difficult to stop, ( if I'm anything to go by!) But then we worry in life if all our loved ones will be ok when changing routine etc, don't we.
Guilt will ease with encouragement, and practice. Sorry to use myself as example. The 1st time I even had a day meeting a friend for cuppa,I was riddled with anxiety. Hubby was fine, being looked after, the 2nd time easier, then did a couple of day trips out of my home town. Turned the guilt to sad. Sad that he want able to enjoy with me. Glad though that was able to have something to enjoy for myself. Realised it wasn't just a want, but a need.
Hope your mum can adjust, then you will be able to settle more too. Mum apologising to you is a need for her, needs reassurance that she isn't a burden. Better than parents who demand and expect!!
Pet66 wrote:
Wed Jun 19, 2019 8:24 am
Sorry to use myself as example.
No apologies needed. Far from it !
You have clearly gone through these emotions so best placed to give advice/thoughts.
I don't know your back story but hope your well. I appreciate your wisdom on these matters.

Glad to be a help.
My 1st thread is ' new to dementia journey' Started March 2016. Far too much for you to read now! Lots of followers though.2nd thread is ' end of dementia journey, new to?' The forum allowed me to vent,tell the ongoing ups and downs the torment etc.
I hope you will keep telling us of your situation, and maybe how your mum feels because it helps others.
You are a wonderful son, as I can assure you, some poor residents in the nursing home never had visitors, because families couldn't cope with the decline. That's not a criticism but it is a fact.
Hi all.

Feeling guilty I have not been back to update you, especially after all the generous help and advice you gave me at the time.
Don't get me wrong I have intended to come back on so many occasions but I never quite made it for one (lame) reason or another.

@Pet66 you wright so well. Your thread is heartbreaking to read along with so many others on the forum. That said it is so very helpful and informative for other forum users to read. Really does bring it home that although it feels like your the only one struggling with this there are many many others.

Back to Mum & Dad.

Dad is still not keen " at all " on attending the Daycare center. It is a toil every Monday. I tend to go down an hour before to have a brew and sought of get him used to the idea.

E.g.. Not rush in, try get his coat on and then have him whisked off out the door !
Makes no differance really it can still take an hour of convincing.

Although Dad makes us jump through hoops to get him there he as only missed a couple of visits.

Dad as deteriorated some more in the preceding months. So a lot more confused and much harder work to look after. The night times are so very hard especially after a long day looking after him. Dad is up and about at all hours if Mum does get any sleep she can never tell what state the Kitchen maybe in.

The washing machine is on constantly as Dad is struggling with his water works Bed wetting and trouser changes. He hates to wear the pads and has become quite aggressive at times. More so with Mum.
Getting Dad to change any clothing is very difficult. "SHOWER" this is an epic task ! Most times lots of effing jeffing and fists raised.

A month or so ago my Mum had a Copd flare up she never had one before. She had to go in Hospital for 2 weeks. My Sister and I took nights/days about to stay with Dad plus visit Mum. I did realise looking after Dad full time was hard. BUT night and day ! Oh boy I was so glad to see my Sister at dinner time the following day.

Anyhow Mum got over that episode but she still as regular break downs. I can't convince her to arrange to have someone sit in with Dad for a couple of hours a few days a week so she can get out. My Sister as just been away for two weeks and I don't think they have been out of the house more than a couple of times "without us" Dad's mobility is getting very unsteady.

I guess I could waffle more but I think you get the jist of where we are upto.

Thanks for listening.

Gary, now is the time to start looking at residential care I'm afraid, as dad is clearly now going downhill fairly quickly.
Mum's COPD attack shows that it is time for her to retire from caring, for the sake of her own health.
She can still see dad, but can come home to a quiet peaceful home knowing he is in safe hands.

The key issue as to where he goes depends on finances I'm afraid.
Do you or mum have Power of Attorney for dad? Does he have over £46,000 in savings?
Are you living with mum and dad?
Do they own or rent their home?

Make a list of all the EMI (Elderly Mentally Infirm) homes in your area, in order of proximity to mum's home, and get some basic information. The Care Quality Commission website will help find them.
Find out how much they charge, if they have a day service, or respite service. This is a good way of introducing someone.
Hi There.

Thanks for the reply.

I must say I felt quite uneasy at reading that part of your reply " now is the time to start looking at residential care I'm afraid " It is inevitable and I totally agree. I think just reading it for the first time puts a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach.

It is an elephant in the room to be honest, no one wanting to say it. Especially as Mum has and still is resistant to outside help even when in crisis.

Like you say I am of the opinion that by having someone sit in with Dad a few hours, a couple of days a week plus some respite would be a gradual ease into the care home environment.

To answer some of your questions

1 No we don't have Power of Attorney for Dad. He doesn't have more than £46.000in savings.
2 No I don't live with them.
3 Yes they own there Home.

Could you explain why Mum would need Power of attorney ?

I really appreciate the advice.

I had the loveliest mum in law, never a cross word between us, but she developed dementia. To cut a long story short, father in law refused to look at local homes, there was a crisis, and she had to go into a home the next day. The only place available was 18 miles away, which caused endless problems until she died. There was a suitable home a mile away, but no vacancies at the time.

The best homes have waiting lists, that is why you need to look IN ADVANCE of needing one. Day care or respite care is a way of everyone getting used to the idea, but homes are privately run, and each one is different.

As they have under £46,000 in savings, Social Services should pay some or all of the fees.

It's too late for dad to grant POA to anyone, but make sure mum does hers as soon as possible, because if she doesn't, it's going to cost a lot of time and money later. Do NOT ignore this advice. I could write an essay on this, but have a sore finger!
Hey Gary

We also waited too long and reached crisis point with my Dad. So definitely better to be proactive, even if he isn't quite there yet.

We had a sitting service for Dad before he want into a care home, definitely worth looking at. But I always felt sorry for my Mum that she had to go out to have some respite.

The wider issue is probably the lack of sleep long term for your Mum? It may be that she needs some regular respite with Dad away for a few days? This is also quite a good way to assess homes?

Starting point for this is social services.

Best of luck. It isn't easy. You are doing a good job. Feel good about all that you have done and are doing. Not bad for what you can't do.
I won't go into long drawn out chat about POA. Please really consider it for your mum, as I had to go down the court of protection route for hubby. Far more intrusive, and strict. ( & expensive!).One week he seemed fine about POA, the next, he had a real decline in capacity and had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe Google the reasons. Then you and mum can draw your own conclusions.