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How to aproach Dementia Day Care - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

How to aproach Dementia Day Care

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Thanks for the update. I would take that as a win. Some excellent advice from other posters. Sounds as though you did an amazing job. My biggest regret is that I didn't insist that Mum get more of a break as caring for my Dad broke her. So don't feel guilty about Dad, feel proud about what you are doing for your Mum. She needs this break.

The bottom line is that your Dad was safe and not distressed and the staff were lovely. He might not like it, but it is what is what needs to happen. With dementia routine is important, so my feeling is that if you can get into a routine with this on a Monday he will eventually accept it. The "Mum has to go out on Monday" is an excellent idea. He might even start to engage with the staff etc, even if he never actually likes going.

Best of luck and keep us posted. It is really hard. but please don't feel bad for any untruths told in the process.
Melly1 wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 8:25 pm

it sounds very positive for a first visit and you handled it brilliantly.

Will he remember going and his response, come Monday?

Hi There
Thanks for the support. TBH It stressed me somewhat and very much so this Monday as Dad will most likley not play ball.
Agreed if he does not remember it would be far easier. That said it's blessing he can as it means he's not that far down the road. I'm 100% sure he will but we will just have to see.

Pet66 wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 8:38 pm
It's worth pursuing! Even if you say they are expecting you and will be so disappointed if you don't go.
Hi Pet66

Thanks for response.

Yes I agree it as got to be pursued. It's taken a long time to get a foot in the door and Mum is at the end of her tether frequently.
I don't need to go into details as reading lots of posts on the forum, everyone is aware of what it takes to care for someone 24/7 365 a year.
I have rung the Centre up and explained the situation they are very understanding and deal with this all the time. I will let them know if I just can't coerce him there.

MrsAverage wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 10:39 pm
Another tack might be for Mum to go out before you take him so he knows shes not at home, and for her not to be there when he first gets back. Make up some excuse for where she has to be on a Monday as it sounds like he thinks home is a good place where Mum is, so he has to realise that she isnt there.

Of course Mum can go back home once he's out, it's just the pretence to get him to realise home is no longer an option on Mondays. He may be grumpy and not like the idea, but this respite is vital for Mum.

Parents sometimes have to adopt such subterfuge to get their children to accept that staying at home is not an option when school starts. You are now in the role of parent to Dad, and he is the child who will be left somewhere safe and good and necessary. He doesn't have a say in it. Sad, but true.
Hi Mrs Average "Smiled at profile name" :-)

Many thanks for your reply.

My better half also thought this was a good idea and mentioned it last Sunday. Although we didn't do this on the Monday we will this week. I agree that Dad would think it's a safe place with Mum being there.

Your last statement is true I know this but in all honesty I'm defiantly not the toughest Dad you'll ever meet. "Very far from it"
Something I got from Dad.
I will endeavour to be firm !!!

Thanks again for everyone's help/support.

Just keep thinking of Mum. Dementia is exceptionally cruel in that it is tougher on the carers than on the afflicted. They are often unaware or unfeeling, whereas the carer is exhausted physically and emotionally. Mum needs those breaks.
MrsAverage wrote:
Sat Jun 15, 2019 11:48 pm
Dementia is exceptionally cruel in that it is tougher on the carers than on the afflicted. They are often unaware or unfeeling.
Thanks for the confidence boost.
These little snippets of wisdom you folk are giving me are priceless. I would not have thought of the illness this way yet it is completely true
Update 2

Mondays been and gone. Touch wood it went really well again. In fact I would go far as to say better than the first "Soooo relieved"
Pre arranged with Mum to leave the house after I had called down and had a cuppa. I told Dad Mum had an appointment and would be out all day.
This happened very smartish without warning so Dad didn't have much time to think about Mum said see you later and was out the door.

After a few minutes I said we were going out to the club lets get ya coat on. I kept waffling on a bit so he didn't have to much time to think about it.

No problem, got into the van and off we went.As we approached the centre I thought he is definitely going to remember when he see's the bright yellow hand rails out the front. He didn't ! Surely calling the buzzer to gain access. He didn't !
Only when we got through the second door did he mention the same place as last time ! I said yes its lovely here look at all the photos. Blow me he looked and agreed.

We were a bit earlier this week so only 3 other folk there at first. I took my fleece off unbelievably Dad did too. We sat down and had a brew.
Got Dad to try some colouring. He was much more at ease this time.
We had arranged that Dad would try going out on the bus "Hub" with a small group that prefer to get out and about. Turns out the days outing was to see a local singer/group apparently they wrote Matchstalk Men and Matchstalk Cats and Dogs.
Broached this with Dad and said I would be picking him up later he took it on board.

Dad did have a slight moment regarding Mum he seemed to think she was up to no good and was concerned she did not know where he was. I told him she knew and that there was nothing to worry about. Changed the subject swiftly and that seemed to work.

Anyhow the bloke driving the bus was stood up across the room at one point. Dad leans over to me and says what's he doing ? I told him he was the bus driver and getting ready to take you all out to see the singer he said oh ok. Within seconds Dad was up putting his fleece on and standing behind his chair waiting.

I was thinking Omg!
One I couldn't believe and two I hope the driver gets things moving sharpish before he chages his mind.
Anyways off Dad toddled.

He returned back at 3.15pm "Shattered" :-)
He seemed to really enjoy the day, off course when asked by the staff that didn't go out on the bus he said he didn't, in his smilie way.

When back in my Van.

Dad said "The Lady driving bus had no idea a terrible driver" :-)

I am under no illusions that I have been very lucky so far and I'm sure this won't happen every week but we couldn't have hoped for a better start.

ps; Apologies for the long waffle but I thought writing what was going through my mind at the time and how I did things might help you folk give me advice.

Thanks again everyone.

That's great news! Keep writing it down, it helps.
Treasure the times of success, ( I used to) then the not so good times won't feel so negative. I hope your mum managed to enjoy her time. She will at least have something to look forward to.
I was just thinking about you and wondered how it went.

What a massive win for you and Mum. Well done!

Also, it will be massively good for him. Social interaction is really important.
Well done Gary. You are becoming a great parent, using skills of distraction, firmness, boundaries etc. ;) How was Mum?
P.S. my mum swore blind she didn't go on any of the outings from her Home. Then we showed her the front page of the local newspaper which was a lovely photo of them all out for a fish and chip lunch. She was grinning broadly front centre. Busted!!! :D