[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
How do you deal with the guilt? -Carers UK Forum

How do you deal with the guilt?

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Been caring for my Mum who has MS for as long as I can remember. She’s progressively getting worse. I have the opportunity to go away this weekend and I know rationally she will likely be fine if I do. But I feel like I am being selfish and choosing my own wants over her needs. I know that she would tell me to go & would be upset that I have even considered staying for her. Any tips on how to deal with the guilt?
DUMP it!

I suspect that, like me, you have been "conditioned" to put mum's needs first. Doing what mum wanted was being a good girl, saying no was not. I was 60 when my counsellor realised that as far as mum was concerned, I was still behaving like an obedient child.
She had no right to expect me to do as much as I was doing, especially when I had a brain damaged son, was running a business, newly widowed and newly disabled. Nevertheless, mum was still saving jobs for me!

It is your mum, not you, who should be feeling guilty. She has no right to expect you to give up so much of your life to look after her.

You have nothing to be guilty about. Mum is so lucky to have your support, if she didn't have a child at all, or her child lived further away, she would have no option but to have full time carers or be in residential care.

When did you last ask Social Services for a Carers Assessment?
When did mum last have a Needs Assessment?
Can I ask if mum owns or rents her home?
Has she ever talked to you about how you will manage when she is no longer alive?
Arranged Power of Attorney?
Hi Sarah,

Wishing you a warm welcome to the forum.

This sounds like a really difficult situation for you. I'm sure lots of others here in the forum understand your feelings of guilt. It is important to ensure you are looking after yourself as well as your mum.

You may find it helpful to contact the Carers UK Helpline on on 0808 808 7777 (Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm) or advice@carersuk.org for advice and a discussion regarding your circumstances.

Bowlingbun has already mentioned Social Services Assessments, and if you haven't already looked into this it may be useful to ensure you are both getting all of the support you are entitled to. More information can be found on the Carers UK website here: https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... assessment.

If you need some time to yourself to take a break from caring and meet other carers in similar situations, Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers. If this is something you are interested in, you can find more information here: https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... ne-meetups.

Best wishes,
Abi
Sarah,

you say yourself,
I know that she would tell me to go & would be upset that I have even considered staying for her.
therefore you should go.

Does your Mum have paid carers or a friend/neighbour who can check on her etc?

Melly1
I think it might be something to do with growing up female at a particular time, that it was not thought to be good to be selfish. But being selfish sometimes is important, it actually will make you come back a better carer. If we don't get our own needs met, we risk that affecting the people we care for, even when we do our best to hide how that affects us. So if it helps, remind yourself you are going away for her sake, as well as yours?