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How do you Deal with Anger? - Carers UK Forum

How do you Deal with Anger?

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This morning I had a blow out with my husband. For the second day in a row I found him sleeping on the sofa, rather than using the stair lift and going to bed in his bedroom. I even shocked myself at how furious I was - I ripped a cover off him and told him to go upstairs. He called me all sorts of names and I shouted back. Followed by silence and eventually he did go upstairs, but I am still furious. He is awake all night and sleeps all day; so I do not want to have to spend my day making sure that I do not disturb him. I'd been through this with him several times before, hence my anger. I'm not totally demented, at least not yet.

And so I spent at least 3 hours today writing a letter to my husband about the sofa business and a lot more; which I doubt I will give to him. I feel better getting my feelings out on paper, but I don't want to hurt my husband by sharing them all with him. Although I wonder whether or not it would be good to get it all out in the open.

How do you deal with anger? I find I just let it all build up until I explode, which can't be any good for my health.
Go for a long furious walk -

Beat the bejezus out of the rugs -

Hoover at the speed of light -

anything physical usually does it for me !

If all else fails I remember an old trick told to me by a family friend who was a doctor - he said to get hold of some old china that you didn't want/need anymore, take it out into the garden and have a glorious time smashing it all against a wall Image Said it worked for him everytime Image Only problem is you've got to clear it all up afterwards Image Image But all the pieces come in very handy for crocks in the bottom of flowerpots Image Image

Oh yes, and coming on here to let of steam is pretty good as well Image Image Image
Get some of that bubble wrap (the bigger bubbles the better) lay it on the floor and jump up and down on it!! Image I also like putting some music in my ears and going for a long brisk walk by myself.
Sometimes, if you only do it rarely, losing your temper can actually have a positive effect when all else has failed even if only briefly. Unless someone is not in control of their behaviour, anger in certain situations is entirely justified and whether someone is or is not in control of their behaviour I think that it is only natural to get really angry on occasions, we are only human. Whether we direct that anger towards the individual or an inanimate object is very much dependent on the circumstances at the time but wherever we direct anger, as long as it does not involve physical abuse in which urgent help is needed, we should never feel guilty, we take on far more than the majority of the population would be willing to take on and we get insufficient support but, most importantly, we are doing our best and no-one can or should expect more of us.

Having said that I do occasionally explode when I am exhausted and the situation has become impossible and I do always feel guilty and repentant afterwards Image . And the cause of the anger, usually noncompliance with treatment, abates for a while.
I never lose my temper honest its true over the 10 years + looking after STAN i had many situations where some may have reacted the one thing that i was so pleased about and this is the first time ive mentioned it STAN was on a downer he was very confused and if you have cared for someone with alzheimers you will know what iam getting at anywho STAN was "back" in the prison camp he had been talking in German as he sat on the commode he asked about his mother that always upset me he asked me if i knew what had happened to his mate Albert i would always answer his questions and talk to him if all was ok long story short he was as i say vey confused and when i was helping him back into bed he threw a puch ( he must have thought i was German guard ) got me square on the jaw my reaction nowt just thought what a bloody good shot so pleased he did not believe in corporal punishment in fact at school he informed the mother superior no caning.

A couple of years ago, I was feeling so angry constantly with Social Services, due to the lack of support we were receiving. I was so het up I felt I could hit someone, so my husband and daughter went to Argos and bought a punch bag. It helped so much. I can't use it any momre, due to arthritis in my fingers(it hurts too much!), so I go out for a walk by myself instead. My husband can tell if I need to get out,and whereas a couple of years ago he may have been upset if I hadn't wanted him with me, now he realises I really need to be alone.

The punch bag was also used a lot last year by my younger son, when he was going through a bad patch.LIke me though, he now does a lot of walking.
I bottle it all up too and then explode. Or, I put a CD on REALLY L O U D. Or, come on here.
I really do feel like kicking something when I get really angry, but my feet are in bad enough shape already without doing further damage. I like the ideas about "getting physical" with inamimate objects, excluding any of those that involve me cleaning up afterwards Image Next time I feel my blood start to boil I have to remember to actually try them out.

For my troubles yesterday I ended up with a cranking tension headache this morning, which paracetamol thankfully has helped.

I will also come on here to vent - but I expect I will run out of space in these little boxes, and the bottom of them go all funny when I've typed to much. (Why does that happen?)

Oh well, at least I did not find husband on the sofa this morning. Image
Oh well, at least I did not find husband on the sofa this morning. Image
Which rather proves my point that the occasional expression of anger can be effective in changing behaviour albeit often only briefly. I think that if you acknowledge that families do have disagreements and even rows occasionally and also that the fact that we are carers does not mean that we cease to be part of the family unit then it should be perfectly acceptable for us to express anger on occasion as we would if we were not carer and caree, it is only abuse when the caree is unaware of their behaviour and has no control over it or if it goes beyond the occasional verbal expression of anger. And I believe that building up frustration and resentment is far more damaging to the relationship than making one's feelings clear. Anyway enough china gets broken in this household in the normal course of use, I recently had to replace six mugs after a sudden spate of breakages and chipped edges, only one survived, without me adding to the problem Image .
Suppose I am not an angel, not just yet anyway. Image

Chipped plates are increasing in my house too. My mind is working overtime, all the time, and distraction causes me to lose focus and chip stuff. Guess none of it will be worth anything 100 years from now when someone drags them into the Antiques Road show of the future. LOL.