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Close to giving up - Carers UK Forum

Close to giving up

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Can not do it no more

Can not look after myself or hubby anymore had enough
Tracie - deep breath. Make a cuppa, or stronger. Eat something sweet and sugary. Watch something nice on telly, if that's possible.

Say that you'll something about the situation tomorrow. Not tonight, it's too late.

Let your mind freewheel, do what it wants (even if it's howl in despair and exhaustion). Let it run where it wants, however dark the thoughts. It needs to come out.

We are here for you, so we are listening.
Nothing can be done tomorrow and will still feel same as I do now
Hi Tracie,

Don't know what you have going on for you as I'm fairly new here, but if today has been a terrible day in a long line of really awful days, and you feel like you've had enough then so be it. Draw a line for yourself. And as Jenny advises breathe and don't think about it now, it's too late and you've had enough today.
Tracie, hi, like Frito, I don't know your situation (only that it's bad bad bad for you...), so if you can outline it for us, then perhaps we can at least give you possibly a different perspective on it, help you get some kind of handle on it??

Jenny I care for my husband who is blind has epilepsy and cerebral palsy I must say he is very independent most I have to do really is supervise bathing and showering make sure he safe if he fits in the night help him get dressed especially buttons on shirts but he does try to do it himself I out his meds out cut his food up me I have fibromyalgia epilepsy ME and mh issues which I have been neglected by mh services so I am very unwell
Tracie,- grim situation indeed. But if I said to you 'OK, what is it you can't do any more?' what would you say? I know you'll probably say 'everything!', but I'm trying to drill down and see whether there is one aspect above all that is the 'lock and key' to this.

For example, could you be OK looking after your husband IF you were physically well? Or IF you weren't depressed (and depression, I know, is often caused and usually exacerbated by bad life conditions!)? Or would you be able to cope better with the physical ailments if you didn't have your husband to look after?

Do you think your MH problems are CAUSED by the difficulties in your life, or are 'essential' (ie, even if you were living in paradise in the Caribbean with not a care in the world, would you still have MH problems?). How would you describe your MH problems anyway? 'Simply depression' - or more complex than that?

And, if you could, what kind of MH care would you want from the health services? (OK, a 'cure' I appreciate, but what from them would best contribute to that?). Do you want one-to-one counselling to offload and sort out all the issues inside you, do you want better more effective meds to make you 'feel better in your head', so you want some kind of 'hospital treatment' in a psych hospital?

I'm assuming that your epilepsy, at least, is well controlled by AEDs (I know, however, that these meds can themselves contribute significantly to low mood and other psychological and emotional effects). How about the FM and ME (difficult, though I know it is, to find effective treatment for them)?

Do you feel that, if you didn't have your husband to care for, you could cope with what's on your own plate, or do you feel that even without him it would be bad?

What I'm trying to do is to take the whole pile of 'Bad Stuff' that is bringing you down, and see if it can't be tunnelled into and sliced up to get a better sense of control and alleviation for you. So often in life, it's a case of 'everything' just getting on top of us, and drowning us down, down, down....separated out, and dealt with individually, can give us a handle on the rest of it, and a firmer footing to deal with the other problems.

Sorry if I'm repeating questions that you've been struggling with for ages. But that very feeling of 'going round in circles' is in itself a nother aspect of the burdens you carry.
Jenny my mh issues are a lot more complex than depression my epilepsy is under control ME causes me to be tired fibro am in constant pain but at hospital tomorrow really am struggling to look after myself and hubby mental health team have left me for dead dumped me after therapy not communicated with gp which I ended up in A and E before christmas then got to speak to a bit of a kid for a follow up who said am coping been refused help from physchatrist and a meds review
Tracie, it seems that, right now, the thing that is most troubling you is the MH issues, is that right? And you've been refused a referral to the psychiatrist?

First, are there any peer-support groups for people with your own MH issues, ideally an online forum like this but specifically for those sharing your issues? If so, then perhaps that can help 'self-heal'????

However, I assume you've tried that out, or gone that route, to no avail??

My second suggestion is this. However tight finances may be, and I appreciate this might just be too much to spend on, but how about paying for an initial psychiatric consultation for yourself? In my experience of the private health care sector, an appointment with a consultant costs around £150 to £200 for half an hour. This might seem a lot, and certainly, if you had to have a whole series of consultants and treatments, then that would very probably be outwith your budget.

BUT, the idea is this - if you saw a psychiatrist privately, first, then THEY can assess you professionally, and it could well be that they say 'yup, you have genuine psych needs' and report that to your GP, who then has the ammo they need to refer you within the NHS.

Again, not sure if you've already tried this route!

Also, do you actually need a fullblown medical doctor psychiatrist, or would a psychology counsellor do? Ifso, then the cost would be much less. Round here, a good consellor costs £40 an hour. Obviously stll expensive, but not in the medical consultant bracket!

What, too, do you actually want the psychiatrist to do? Do you want to them to give you psychotherapy, or medical therapy, or hospitalisation, or what, precisely? If you did get your nhs referral, what would then happen over the next six months say?

And why have you been refused a referral? On what grounds? I think you said that the GP says you are 'coping' - but maybe that is the problem. You ARE coping (ie, you haven't collapsed screaming your head off and gone catatonic yet!) (or run down the street with a carving knife!). Maybe, brutal though it sounds, you have to 'not cope'. You have to do what you opened this thread with, and say 'I'm not coping, I can't keep going, and here is my husband for now and I am OFF'....would that precipitate action do you think?

Does the GP disagree with your own assessment of your MH issues? Does he think you are faking it, exagerating it, misdiagnosing it?

Do you feel, though, that if you got a handle on your MH problems ,that the rest of your problems would be 'manageable'? I'm wondering whether the MH is the 'lock and key' to your situation?

Can I ask something else? Do you feel angry? Angry not just at being refused the psychiatrist on the NHS, but angry that YOU have to be a carer, when in fact you feel it's YOU who should be cared for? Is that part of an 'inner rage' against what life is putting you through? (And I take it, too, that your husband has been ill for quite some time???, so the strain has been ongoing for a long period, with no respite or release?)

(And speaking of respite, is this a possibility for you at all? Having your husband somewhre else for a while, and you either getting a breather in your home, or perhaps getting away from it all for a break?)
Jenny not angry at all of caring when I worked I was in a care home then did care in the community along side working with children part of it is the mental health issues being left other part is fibro and ME my gp is great he has supported me since I was 15 it was the crisis team said that I was coping my way of doing it rather than hurt me go speak to someone but as I did I am coping we can not get from anywhere I have to ring gp tomorrow for an appointment for weds so see if he any news last time physchatrist was speaking to him but had no letter to say go in so doubt nothing been done same with specialist with fibro specialist was speaking to gp so find out tomorrow jenny my gp knows I am not faking it hence the referal in 09 to mh team at push through therapy they got me under services a long time when not had right support or anything