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How can you encourage someone to accept care support? - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

How can you encourage someone to accept care support?

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Oh dear. I have to go with SussexR on this.

And by the way, unlikely an emergency care plan can be put in place unless her needs have been assessed. And her needs would have to meet the criteria for that local authority.
We don't know if this assessment has even taken place.

family dances huh? Image Not easy to deal with.

Enjoy your break.
In my area there is a Rapid Response Team which deals with emergency care provision. Assessment is quick to meet basic needs. Perhaps mum needs to realise the hard way that she does need help? I really hate this idea of Tough Love, but it seems that sometimes it's the only solution. The other alternative is even worse, being a slave to a caree 24/7 until you get too ill, mentally or physically, to care any more. I believe it's more sensible to have regular breaks from caring, but are carees always sensible?
I'm honestly not trying to point score(!!) so do hope it didn't come across like that. I'm quite serious about being genuinely non-plussed at the thought that someone who doesn't own any part of a house can stop the home-owner giving the keys to a third party! Anyway, let's see what my lawyer chum says (though it's not her speciality, but she might have some general principles).

Whichever the answer turns out to be, it does seem to be an important one for us to know, since the issue of carees who don't want non-family carers does seem to crop up quite a lot!

I do think, though, that if a caree refuses a third party carer, because they want their son/daughter to do the caring exclusively, and never get a break, then the son/daughter has to then call their bluff, and say, nope, not gonna be your slave, if you won't accept outside help so I can have a break, in you go to a home.... I'm afraid I would simply lose my temper with my caree if they took the attitude of refusing to have outside help to stop me having a break!

Ironically, of course, refusing to have an outside carer on the grounds that the caree says she doesn't need them, is actually a very dangerous tactic for the caree to adopt. After all, if she says she doesn't need and outside carer, then she clearly doesn't need a carer at all - in which case she can go and live all on her own and get on with it! And the family carer can get their life back!!!

But let's hope it doesn't get that nasty or ugly, and sweet reason and all round consideration for family carers prevails!
That is a very valid point. There are a number of people here who are expected to wait on someone, but if they don't want anyone else, does that mean they are just pretending to make their own lives easier?! It may happen occasionally, but I think they say they don't want anyone else, purely because their pride is getting in the way of needing to admit that Yes, they do need some help. It's easier to try and get their own way, ie the carer stays, doesn't go on holiday; than admit they need help.
Hmm, do you think that if their carer is their son/daughter, they can fool themselves into thinking that 'that doesn't count' in terms of being in need of help, and that their son/daughter is just doing their 'duty' as a son/daughter in waiting on them hand and foot, rather than actually being their 'carer'...????

Or maybe having an outside carer come in will actually show up how much their son/daughter are doing for them, so they'd have to appreciate them and feel grateful and not take them for granted, and they don't want to feel like that!!!
I think its very likely to be the first response jenny. Very few carees go into needing care determined to be manipulative and selfish - and I suspect that they do not even realise that they are (with some exceptions, of course). My MIL swore she never wanted "to be a burden" to anyone and yet became incredibly manipulative in order to try and get family to be with her 24/7. And now my own mother is going the same way.
My mum's childhood was not a happy one after her grandmother with early dementia came to live with them. In those days, there was absolutely no help whatsoever, and mum's uncle and aunt were so full of their own importance that they wouldn't help at all. (Nothing is new?) As a result, my mum said she never ever wanted me or my brothers to care for her. Somehow all the help and support I've given her over 40 years has never really registered, probably because I don't actually live with her. Ever since dad died 15 years ago, mum has only been able to live at home because of my support!
I never expected this to turn into such an interesting debate, I should definitely come into the forum more often! It will be interesting to hear what Jenny's legal friend has to say on the matter.

Our home is actually jointly owned - we sold two houses and bought one larger one so that I could look after Mum under the same roof. I don't think things will ever reach the point where I have to look into legalities, or at least I hope not anyway. With everything else - finances, how the house is run, friends, etc Mum is fine, is just the damned issue of me leaving her. I overhead her on the phone to a friend last week, she was telling the friend that I was planning some holidays, and that she would rather I didn't go anywhere! She seems to have calmed down now, it's always this way, flurry of resentment whenever she first hears of my plans, then grudging acceptance.

I'm not actually going away for my first break until Easter, just a weekend, and think I will just leave her to cope on her own for that one. A few months later I'm away for a week. A friend has said she will come and stay for a few days (not prompted by a request from either me or Mum, just someone who we haven't seen for a while). Mum has said that if she doesn't come, then maybe someone should come in at least once to check on her! It's about the 'visitor' being a stranger, she has told me that a few times, but I can't get across at the moment that if we have consistency with care workers then that person could actually become another friend to her.

Some of this is probably my fault in that I have indulged her too much and have progressed to the point where I feel she can't be left alone, whereas she probably can still cope!

Anyway, yesterday I went out and bought her a rollator. We've been talking about it for ages and she tried one recently in a garden centre and whizzed around with great ease. She has rheumatic pain in legs and back and any kind of 'trolley' to lean on seems to ease the back issue so that she can walk for longer. She has been dodging the issue of getting one, so I just went and got it. She has used it round the house and will hopefully enjoy walking more when I next take her out somewhere.

Thanks again for all the comments and support!
Forgot to answer about the 'situation' I mentioned. It was Autumn last year - I had a long weekend away with a friend in Scandinavia. Mum was ill with stomach problems before I went, but I was committed to going, only a weekend, etc. The boiler broke down when I was away and was making odd noises. She apparently went round to a neighbour really late and scared her half to death trying to get her attention! She couldn't get to other neighbours as gates closed and couldn't see how to open them. The helpful neighbour switched off the boiler and calmed her. All was well (apart from no heat or hot water for a few days, but it was mild). So, I guess she can cope! Funny thing is that even though she dealt with the situation, because something out of the ordinary happens when I'm not here it has the opposite effect on me, ie. makes me feel like it was a huge disaster! Maybe that's back to my mollycoddling again ...
brilliant .... You are already getting it in proportion! yes, she did cope and she will cope again, no doubt. And no doubt you will Continue to worry! that's what happens when we have caring natures!

No offence to jenny but I really shouldn't rely on third hand legal advice. if you ever need professional advice go for it personally...because good advice can only be given when ALL the relevant background facts are disclosed.


If anyone wants to know more about protecting vulnerable adults, background reading on the POVA guidelines can be an excellent starting point.

DR