Taking a horse to water

[Henrietta]

As the old saying goes, "You can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink".

How can I get Dad to accept help from carers? He is getting 3 visits a day and each one is offering him a cup of tea which he is now refusing and then the moment they walk out the door he wants his tea. Same with breakfast, this morning carer came late and left about 11.15. He refused breakfast offered by carer so when I got back from work when carer left at 11.15 I had to make him breakfast. I make lunch around 12.15 so he then refused lunch because he had only just eaten!
Any brain waves what I can do? He is driving me potty but I will not let him win the battle and dispense with the carers.
The meals I ordered for him 3 days a week to give me a break are being left uneaten on teh tea trolley, if I tell him he will starve , he just smiles and says "No I won't" ! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

[susieq]

Henrietta I think perhaps you need to find out why he's refusing their services - is it that the timing is wrong (too early/too late ?) or perhaps he "doesn't want to be a bother" (how many times do we hear that one ?!!!). Or maybe he doesn't 'trust' them to make his cuppa the way he likes it ?

TBH I'd have refused to make him breakfast at 11:15 knowing that (a) he'd refused it earlier and (b) that lunch was due anyway !

He has a choice - either he accepts the help/meals you've arranged or he goes without, but on the understanding that YOU are not picking up the slack - you have enough to do as it is especially as you also work. I think I'd also point out that if he carries on in this vein then he'll either end up in hospital again or you'll have to 'reconsider' him moving into a Care Home. The way he's behaving is moral blackmail

[Henrietta]

Hi Susie
I seem to have lost my reply so will start again
The reasons that he is refusing their help are yes:-

The visits are at the wrong time. As he is CHC funded for now he has a two hour morning time slot between 9.00 and 11.00 for a half hour visit and sometimes they are running late as this morning. If he gets up at 7.00 he wants breakfast then but sometimes he isn't ready to get up at 9.00.

He doesn't think they can make a cup of tea- I have told them he wants it in a teapot (always has up to now) and no one can do that it seems. Now he is saying he just wants one cup and no teapot and strong tea. I have given agency todays instructions!

He doesn't like to drink to much as he will need the toilet.

He doesn't really want hte carers at all , although it is ok if they help me. I pointed out it would help me if he accepted the offer when it was made so I don't have to do it after work.

I can't do the Nursing Home routine as he won't give me Power of Attorney and I can't afford for him to "close the bank".

The agency are keeping a "behaviour record" requested at CHC meeting but this was really meant to record refusal of personal care and not cups of tea.

I will try to refuse a little more but then I just spend the hour from 11.00 until lunch time feeing dead guilty.

I've already told him he will end up back in hospital if he gets dehydrated, and I've told him that I know he is finding all this frustrating but that so is everyone else because of the way he is behaving.

[bowlingbun]

Is he worried about wetting himself, because of mobility problems? If so, maybe the CHC can help with that one? If he makes you ill because of his resistance, then he'll end up in a nursing home or hospital anyhow. He MUST meet you half way, or accept the consequences.

[Anne001]

Henrietta,

I had this problem initially too. I think it is their way of exerting "control" when they feel powerless about what is happening to them. Would dad be able to "show" them how to make a cup of tea, or could they make it in a flask, so that he could add his own milk? Maybe one of those disability jugs for pouring?

Mum did eventually accept care visits, albeit reluctantly. From time to time she would want the visits cancelled but I kept on forgetting to do that ...

Stay firm, Anne x

[Henrietta]

Thanks Anne for suggestions
The flask idea has been suggested and refused point blank. No he couldn't show anyone as he poors more on the trolley than in the cup sometimes and I wouldn't like him wielding a boiling kettle.
BB I know you are right but how do you get some sense into someone so awkward and stubborn. Reasoning is out the window. CHC have asked for a behaviour report from the agency but none of this got recorded yesterday. They make the tea , leave it and walk away so not a problem to them.
No he is not frightened of wetting himself- he does not have any continents issues at the moment.

[Greta]

I'm sorry to read this, Henrietta. I think one positive thing is that some of your father's resistance will change in time, as he gets used to the situation. That's not really good enough, though.

We have got nowhere with carers making tea. My brother takes very weak coffee, which is what he would do in hospital where he can't get good tea. He doesn't like coffee but he prefers weak coffee to bad tea. One or two carers will put the teabag in, then hot water. Others put the milk in and then the teabag! Still others find our loose tea and sprinkle some in the cup - they are amazed because they've never seen loose tea! they probably think it grows in bags.

At the moment I make a teabag tea at 7.30 a.m. and a pot of tea from loose tea at 7.00 p.m. and the rest of the time he has weak coffee. He would ask for it to be warmed up and the carers have to be told to throw it away and make a fresh one. He won't try to use a flask any longer and won't drink water. He has ginger beer with no added sugar there all the time.

[Henrietta]

Hi Greta
Your post made me laugh- Dad uses leaf tea to , and yes the carers haven't got a clue. One made a pot of tea and put in the teapot with the tea!. Others look for strainers and we don't use one. No one allows it time to brew and so you get loose leaves floating around. Some use the wrong milk , an dmost out it in a mug an dnot a tea cup. No one gives Dad a teaspoon. The list is endless.

[susieq]

Can't believe how many people can't make a decent pot/cup of tea these days