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Carers UK Forum • Handling critism
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Handling critism

Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2016 3:53 pm
by Timothy_1507
My wife is disabled, I am not disabled. If I do the washing and don't hang the washing up correctly on the dryer then I get criticised by my wife. I do find this disheartening when you are trying your best. Does anyone know how to handle critism or whether it is appropriate to give it?

Re: Handling critism

Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2016 6:03 pm
by bowlingbun
It's really difficult. My disabled mum had OCD. I had a son with severe learning difficulties and ran a business, but still, I supported mum alone for years. One day, I went over there to find she wanted me to empty all her many kitchen units, take them all out, Lay lino across the kitchen floor, replace units, refill units, etc. in FIVE DAYS!!! I left in tears and didn't go back at all for a while. That was the day I realised I'd never ever be able to do all mum needed/wanted. Some time later I had counselling, and this might help you. It was focussed on how to deal with mum, how to say no without saying no, learning delaying tactics too. Very useful.
As for the washing, get a washer dryer or tumble dryer and tell the wife it's her job. If she can't do it, then it's your job and you will do it your way.

Re: Handling critism

Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2016 6:13 pm
by Timothy_1507
Thanks for replying. I like the last bit. If it's my job I'll do it my way. Dealing with people is so tricky.

Re: Handling critism

Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2016 7:14 pm
by bowlingbun
Just wondering if you have clear "his" and "hers" jobs? My late husband and I operated as a traditional couple, I did the house and cooking, he did the garden and vehicles. If one of us needed a hand, it was available, but the person asking for the help was generally the one in charge of the task. We managed 34 years of marriage without a slanging match!!! My additional duties included steering a 10 ton steam roller with a baby on my chest in a baby sling. How's that for wifely duty?

Re: Handling critism

Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2016 8:23 pm
by Elaine
Hi Timothy
It's possibly just sheer frustration on her part that she cannot do it herself. I remember when I was home after an operation and my husband was doing the 'jobs' I usually did, I was demanding a far higher standard from him than I actually set myself on most occasions.
Don't let it fester. You know your wife. What would go down best? A stern 'Just let me get on with it seeing as I'm doing the job', or a little sit down talk, explaining how you feel. Either way, get it off your chest or it will assume greater importance and resentment on your part than it merits.
Elaine

Re: Handling critism

Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2016 8:47 pm
by bowlingbun
Tim, I couldn't remember the details of your caring role, so looked back at your earlier posts. How is the decluttering going? If she is unable to control her own hoarding problem, it's totally unreasonable when you are trying to do something positive for her to tell you to do it differently!!