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Hacked off !!!!! - Carers UK Forum

Hacked off !!!!!

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
so much for New year new start, this years started off just as crappy as last years! If it wasn't for bad luck I'd not get any at all!

Mums deterioated more over the last few months & now can't be left on her own longer than 15 mins, christmas/new year was manic having to cook for 2 houses then walk over 1/2 a mile to get the food to my mum & stepdad, as they wanted dinner in their own home, & because mum picks on my daughter, my daughter who also has a lot of problems of her own she wouldnt go to mums for christmas dinner.

DLA forms for my daughter were late going in mainly because I just hadn't had time to fill them in, with the work load I have plus, have been shattered due to low thyroid levels which are still being sorted out with medication, but havent got the levels right yet, because of this Im shattered but can't sleep.

Because of this DLA & Carers allowance have stopped until the review is done, meaning I now have everything to do on £120 including £35 for gas & electric & £20 a week to get my daughter to school & £10 a week for the TV & Telephone, leaving £60 for numerous other bills & food.

If it's not reviewed with in 7 weeks I loose income support too, even though Im still doing everything I was previously doing , & probably more.

Mum & stepdad aren not getting on at present, he's a cantankerous old sod & is ALWAYS RIGHT or so he likes to think, so now every time they have a cross word my mum comes to me & wont go home, meaning some days Im not getting much of a break. plus he has 2 days a week daycare, when she doesn't so Im now spending those two days keeping an eye on her, & trying to keep her amused.

Telling him to curb the shouting & arguing because she can't help the way she is just falls on deaf ears, so Im trying to push for an extra day care day to ease the pressure a bit.

My son is being a total a*** ***e at present, very aggresive, demanding money which I havent got, & wanted a new bed because he says the one he's got is broken seems fine to me, it's almost 3.30am & less than an hour ago, he was screaming in my face, he hated me & wanted me dead, & was gonna slit my throat while I slept, an arguement that started because I said I was tired & asked him to leave me alone, Im still struggling to find him a flat, because I dont not how much more physcial & emotional abuse I can cope with from him, I dont drink or smoke or even go out, yet Im all the s***s & w****'s under the sun, not to mention fat & ugly, & stupid & this is a regular thing.

Then to top it all off this week I had to have one of my pups put to sleep with bone cancer at just 20 months of age, thats 3 dogs Ive lost 2 to cancer & one to old age in 17 months, so its more like crappy new year than happy new year!
Onyxx, no wonder you're hacked off!

Does your mum have day care at all? If so, it's worth asking social services to change the days so that your parents both go at the same time - as long as they're able to be separate so that they get a break from each other, too. If not, it's certainly worth asking for some day care for her to give you a break.

Over the DLA, they should treat it urgently but it's worth contacting the DWP to let them know you're on a time limit - explain the situation at home: they may understand.

Sorry to hear about your pup, too. Hopefully the others are ok?
Hi!

So sorry to hear how distressing life is at the moment.

please please seek some help and support. see your own GP and tell him exactly how bad things are. Even if you have said it before tell him again and say you cannot carry on this path much longer.

Are you seeing anybody re your thyroid problems ? Again make sure your Dr knows how bad things are and how exhausted you are feeing. The symptoms don't always match the blood test results and so you need to say if you are feeling ill. Are you sure thie cause of the symptoms is the thyrois problem? Not saying you need anything else to cope with but please let the dr know asap when you go and see him about everything else!

As it is quite a lot ask your GP receptionist if you can have a double appt and that way you hopefully will be able to mention the things you need to.

It also sounds like you need a carer's assessment with the Social Worker so that they can hear from you all your needs as a carer for those you are trying to care for wheilst unwell yourself. Insist this is done and make sure you tell them everything no matter how long it takes to do so!

Why is the Income Support stopping in 7 weeks? Please ask for help either from the Carer's helpline or the citizens advice etc asap. They might be able to help with contacting the DWP and who to speak to. Make sure whoever you speak to you get a name and a Dept name ext number etc so you can " prove" you called and keep notes detailed as possible about what was said. I know ........its a pain whens o busy but you need to be able to know who what when where if they start messing around later on!

Well good luck and don't give up hope. There is help out there and taking some or all of these steps asap will see you having the care support you need.

Let us know how you get on when you feel up to it!

Chris
Aw Onyxx ((((Hugs)))) to you.

Things sure are hard aren't they - Carers never get it easy! Image

Firstly, can you try and speak to your son when he's in a good mood?
If he's receptive to you when he's calm, I'd try this approach and if not? Image
get an appointment with social services and the housing officer and lay it on thick!! Image
You need him out and soon as this is too much for anyone!

If there's a Carers Centre near you, they can help you wade through some of these issues so that's maybe worth a try even if it's just somebody to talk things over with!

Social services should be able to help you but it's like everything else - they don't offer, you got to insist they do.

Once again (((Hugs))) when mine were younger, I had some hassles too, so I know how soul destroying and upsetting it can be. Image

God Bless,
marie x
Mum has 1 day & 2 hours day care per week were still waiting for another place to become available, she only got the full day 2 weeks ago previous to that it was 2 hours per week, like a coffee morning sort of thing in a daycare centre, step dad has 2 days but different from my mums because my mum requires different care due to her alzhiemers.

As for social services Ive been through them so many times where my sons concerned even after he's beaten me up (he has mental health problems & anger management problems as well as diabetes, epilepsy & other problems) but they just say phone the police he doesnt fit our criteria, Ive had this for the past 3 years off them, went to the local council housing dept they said they werent interested because he was making himself homeless with his behaviour, been to mental health team they say he's not severe enough to fit their criteria, even though he's pulled a knife on me on more than once occasion.

We had a carers assessment done last year but my stepdad is unwilling to get outside help in yet & insists were managing ok, they had workmen doing gas repairs in 18 months ago & had £200 stolen, they wouldnt involve the police, & since then have been very untrusting of strangers etc, he will do day care etc but wont have anyone in the house other than the nurses who visit every week.

Income support will stop in 7 weeks because my daughter is 16 although she works on a lower menatl age (11yrs) apparently Im no longer entitled to income support once she is 16 & have to sign on the dole & look for work.

My son rarely has a reasonable moment, form the age of 3 he had many medical problems requiring me to become a full time carer, for him & my daughter who was born with medical problems, all though he's always been really hard work, up until the age of 15 I coped fairly well, at the age of 15 he discovered drink & skunk/cannibis as well as E tablets, & has been a night mare ever since, we have had a longish period where he's stayed off the skunk etc, but over the last few weeks he's been messing with it again & become very aggresive & abusive, & no matter what I do according to him EVERYTHING is my fault, so he does his best to make my life miserable & at present he's doing a good job, if it wasnt for my daughter & my dogs I'd have walked under a bus by now! Being able to get out with my dogs keeps me sane, the nearest carers centre to us is 2 bus rides away as I dont drive, & with not working for a few years now due to being a carer, my confidence is not the best when meeting/mixing with people I dont know, so I tend to spend my spare time on my computer with my daughter or out with my dogs, & at preent just take things one day at a time till things improve a bit.
Hi onyxx. I know it's easy for us to offer advice and it's not always so easy to take because only you really know your situation.

There is only one thing more I can suggest at the moment, and it may well involve the police. You have two options, as I see it. The first is to report your son to the police the next time he hurts or threatens you. You don't have to press charges, just get a domestic incident report done. The second is to contact social services and tell them they are failing to protect vulnerable adults.

In this case, vulnerable adults may be your parents (if they live with you and/or have contact with your son), your son - because of his mental health issues, drug-related or not - and you. There is also a child potentially at risk - your daughter - and they are doing nothing to protect any of you, despite a legal duty to do so. They may argue that a carer is not covered by the law in this way, but because you are caring for someone who is covered, due to his mental health condition, you are at risk. Reporting it to the police will strengthen your case, and may force social services into action. Please contact your carers centre for support and advice around this - an outside agency like a carers centre can be very helpful at a time like this.
Hi, now I have read your second message things are slightly different than in the first one!

Yes the Police can and should be informed but also as I said before your GP needs to know asap too. Also there are drug centres which can offer support and advice and there are free phone help lines such as Talk to Frank 0800776600 http://www.shelter.org.uk

Also MIND http://www.mind.org.uk/index.htm might be able to help too.

Unless you do something nobody else can help you. We can support with ideas but cannot pick up the phone or contact the relevant agencies for you. Sadly hard as it sounds and I am not trying to be hard in any way .......if we bury our heads things don't improve and can escalate far more quickly.

This will sound horrible too but you do not have to take the problems with your parents either. OK they are your parents and you worry/care etc but is it time with help to lay the cards on the table and say you cannot carry on like this anymore and unless they do accept help or change their attitude or whatever else is needed you are going to be really ill and won't be there to do anything at all. I know its horrible but they cannot expect anything from you. http://www.helptheaged.org.uk/en-gb

As for the money - again you know where to seek help - please do so as again 7 weeks will soon vanish and if nothing is in place things will not get any better.

The CAB advice guides might help signpost you via your computer time to some oither ideas for help http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/

Sorry this sounds horrible. It is in no way supposed to be but we cannot do anything other than say the facts and hope with help from soebody near by you will walk the dog towards a centre where they can help you or pick up the phone whislt sitting by that computer.

Best wishes for the future which can be brighter if you act now and seek the help that is thee waiting for you. LEt us know how things work out as you start to seek help.

Finally as you had a carers assessment you can ask for this to be reviewed and you as a carer have a right to have this done alone and not with your parents. Do it and see what happens- ask to soeak to them urgently alone as you cannot be expected to carry the strain alone.



Chris
Sorry for the typing errors in my msg's! I have my hands in splints due to new tendon prob's and finding it hard to type! Chris
Hi again,

The Carers Centre here will arrange to meet you nearer to home - maybe a community centre in your town would work? It's worth a try!

I see the issues you have on your plate and do feel even talking with a Carers worker would help, at the very least, you to plan what your next step is! Image

I know here, the Carers Centre can act as an advocate and go with you to social services - they're less likely to brush you off if you have a worker there putting your case.

I really hope they can help you. (((Hugs)))

marie x