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getting through to an elderly relative - Carers UK Forum

getting through to an elderly relative

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Hi, can anyone give me some advice on this please? my Father is 85, I am his carer, but I seem to be banging my head against a brick wall sometimes. He can walk o his local "onestop" which is about 25 yds away, and tries to get money out from the cashpoint outside. I f the sun is shinning, he cannot see the screen, so asks any complete stranger who is passing to help, giving them his pin number and card, I keep telling him this is dangerous and not to do it, but he does it over and over again. Also, He enjoys wine and cider,not in large quantities,(he is able to buy these in the same one stop) but I have found that if he comes into the lounge in the early hours, on waking, the first thing he reaches for is a sip from a glass of cider, how do I stop this, and encourage him to drink water, which after kidney failure last year, he should be drinking a fair amount of water. Everytime I ask my Dad not to do something, he just say's "I'll bear that in mind"or "ok" but then ignores it. Help, it's driving me nuts!
They can be stubborn can't they. Have you already suggested to your dad that you keep the card and let him have money whenever he needs it? Is there anyone else that could talk to him who he may listen to? On a personal note if it was me I would take the card and suffer the arguments this may cause as it would be a lot better than the worse case scenario that may happen at a cash machine. You say he doesn't drink in large quantities? Are you sure about this? I've worked in an addiction centre and alcoholics say they always needed this first drink in the morning, whether it be a sip or a bottle. I'm not saying your dad is an alcoholic but it may be something you need to watch out for. If your dad feels he needs alcohol first thing there is not much you can do about it, he'll only end up hiding it from you and will always get it somehow and the more you say to him the more he'll do it. I'm sorry I can't be more positive, maybe someone else might have suggestions for you.
Joan, thanks, I have taken the card , so I can draw money out for him, I am concerned about the amount he spends on the lottery too each week, all common sense seems to have gone out of the window (or out of his train of thought!) the nurses calling in have tried talking to him as well, he says yes, then ignores what has been said. On the alcohol side, he said he needs to keep his fluid intake up, I keep pointing out that this should be water, and he just laughs, not realising that he should listen. If he is asleep, I do pour it back in the bottle or down the sink! I dont think he considers that having a sip if he is thirsty is wrong, even first thing, but after coming out of the hospital last year, the care team noticed he sipped cider during the morning, and all commented on it too. My 26 yr old son has also tried , but my Father thinks he is right on all subjects, it is just so frustrating some times! But thanks for your comments, it's nice to know other people's thoughts on this, as I am really tying my best. Sue. Image
I do feel for you, sometimes it is like banging your head up against a brick wall. Apart from stopping the money and you buying in what he needs I really can't think of anything else. Good luck anyway. Image
Hello Sue

Welcome to the forum!

Glad that you have managed top get your Dad's card of him as it must of been so worrying that he would totally trust strangers like that. Sounds like your doing a brilliant job!

Take care
Maryann x
Hello and welcome Sue,

I can empathise a lot with the answers of "Yes" etc, as my Mother does it constantly, particularly with GPs, physios and OTs! They give advice, she says "Yes", then does her own thing! She then conveniently "forgets" that the advice has been given - and denies that she has heard it!

Some of this problem, I believe, lies in the generational gap. My Mother (87 on Thursday) was brought up to be TOLD what to do by health professionals. Nowadays, these health professionals can only advise what to do, not TELL. (Human Rights and all that.) Hence the problem (in my case.)

Congrats on getting the card and taking control of that area for your Father's undoubted benefit.
Thanks Snoopy! Your Mum sounds exactly the same! I feel so bad sometimes, I'm sure my Dad feels I am just having a go, but I do worry, and yes, the generation gap must have something to do with it, but also, I worry that when nurses/Doctors notice that things they have asked Dad to do, or asked me to make sure he is doing them, (one problems is the disposing of insulin needles, they say he has to place them in a proper needle box, and he just throws them on the table)remain still not done, I wonder if there will come a time when they say, enough, he is not safe to be living alone anymore, and even explaining to Dad that he must/should do things for his own safety/good do not seem to sink in. I even found out, a while ago, he was confused about what time of the day it was, E.G, 12 o' clock, he thought was lunchtime, when it was pitch black outside, so he wandered over the road to the 24 hour store to get papers,I cannot understand how he could not have noticed it was dark outside. I think that was sugar evels, as it does not seem to have happened since his insulin was adjusted, but the thought of some local scum bag nearby, seeeing a vulnerable old man out on his own, in the middle of the night, or in broad daylight,really concerns me. Anyway, it is so comforting to have found this site, many thanks, Sue Image
Have you tried leaving a glass of fizzy apple juice where your dad normally leaves a glass of cider? He may just find water boring and prefer the slightly sharper, fizzy taste of cider in which case something like Schloer (sic) may help. There are also quite a few non-alcoholic/low alcohol beers/lagers that look like the real thing. Perhaps he thinks of water and squashes as childrens drinks, not suitable for a grown man Image in which case the non-alcoholic beers etc may be a way to increase his fluid intake without putting the kidneys at risk.
Ann, Thanks,I thought about this before, but wondered if Dad would just leave it,and still pour cider out, but I will try again, perhaps drink he used to like , low sugar ginger beer, real lemonade etc... trouble is, as he can just about get across the road with his rolator, he can still buy cider, but I have now started going into the flat abut 7am, before he wakes, and if there is a glass of cider poured out or wine, tipping it out down the sink, and removing the glass , so there is only water first thing. Yes I think he has the thought of fizzy drinks being for children, but it's worth another try, and if it is low sugar, will help his sugar levels too. I am sure he will still drink cider and wine, but hopefully in smaller quantities. I only leave one bottle of wine in view, so he can't open another if he finishes that one, they seem to last 48 hours, so he has a glass with lunch and dinner, I supposeat that age there is not much to look forward too! It's really the cider on top that concerns me, but I will try the choice of fizzies!
Sue Image