Feeling so Low

[Anthony _2109]

Dear Peter, you are 100% spot on again. Trying to explain it to somebody that hasn't or isn't going through it is nigh on impossible. Yes, people nod and smile in sympathy and all that, but they cannot know what its like. That's why we have to stick together!
By 'it' I refer to the slow, irreversible decline of a spouse into an invalid. To witness your partner's gradual deterioration from a confident independent woman into a bed-ridden zombie is not something one can understand until one's been through it. Imagine you explaining a moonwalk to Neil Armstrong? Exactly.

That's why this space it vital, and I am very grateful for it.

[bowlingbun]

I have been a carer for at least 43 years, when my son was brain damaged at birth. However, my mum had issues ever since my younger brother was born 8 years after me, in 1960! I've supported sister in law with post natal depression, looked after her two children, for months whilst she moved back to her mum who lived abroad, and brother worked somewhere else. I've supported all four of our parents as they endured years of disability before death, and a few others besides.

Counselling for me was life changing, about 6 years ago. Everyone wanted a piece of me, leaving nothing left for me. Counselling gave me back my self esteem, acknowledged how hard it was never to have real "free" time, never to be truly free from the phone, never time to put on make up, a pretty dress, and have fun.

It took a few sessions for me to feel comfortable enough to be open and honest. I'd arrived early for my session, and saw my counsellor arrive on a powerful motorbike. I learned to ride on a Yamaha RD250 when living in Western Australia, was stopped for speeding within the first two miles of my very first ride!!! Telling him about my bike he saw an entirely new me.

He gave me "permission" to think about my own needs and wishes again, to feel free, and to know that it was OK to go on holiday by myself and enjoy it.

Please give counselling a try.
I'm not suggesting either of you want to put on make up and a dress (!) but suspect that you will understand the feeling of being trapped?

[Anthony _2109]

As always, thanks, BB.
Perhaps a little off the shoulder number...? I draw the line at heels, though.

[Rachel_22051]

Thanks for posting this, been encouraging to read it all.

[helena_1512]

I love the sense of humour (sometimes black) that comes through on here.

I have been desperate at times but thankfully have found Forum a huge support. Thankfully I have found friends over the last couple of years who no longer care, but have cared for parents in the past so do understand!

I care for my medically non compliant difficult much older 83 year old husband . People who have not cared do not understand and one friend said she envied me being able to read all day! She had no comprehension of what it feels like to try and coax my husband into a clean gown, take his pills, take his his inhalers et al et al.

I make no apology for sometimes putting on a pretty dress and high heels!!!! I am up most mornings at 4am due to husbands coughing and makeup is a necessity not a luxury for me and helps me feel'human'. So guys do what you have to do to carve out some 'quality of life' for YOU. One thing I learnt on here is that one cannot care for anyone unless self care is practiced.

[Breezey]

Do you have a local Stroke Group? Have you both been?
Speaking with the group organiser and meeting others might give some inspiration, regenerate understanding and give some sparks of life, hopefully.

I am not trained or anything, and I feel really bad about what I am going to say below, but do you need to see a counsellor? You sound so flat, it is a concern and is there a danger of you feeling contempt and resentment further along the line?

You are concerned she would not get over your leaving her, but what about her being in a resentful relationship? Does she deserve better? Will she have better life? Will she end up feeling trapped? I feel terrible saying those, but it's things you should consider and I am saying them in support of her.

It seems that you both need to go to the stroke group a few times and see if that improves anything in your own selves and for yourself to have some professional counselling and guidance.

[Peter_2009]

I love the sense of humour (sometimes black) that comes through on here.

I have been desperate at times but thankfully have found Forum a huge support. Thankfully I have found friends over the last couple of years who no longer care, but have cared for parents in the past so do understand!

I care for my medically non compliant difficult much older 83 year old husband . People who have not cared do not understand and one friend said she envied me being able to read all day! She had no comprehension of what it feels like to try and coax my husband into a clean gown, take his pills, take his his inhalers et al et al.

I make no apology for sometimes putting on a pretty dress and high heels!!!! I am up most mornings at 4am due to husbands coughing and makeup is a necessity not a luxury for me and helps me feel'human'. So guys do what you have to do to carve out some 'quality of life' for YOU. One thing I learnt on here is that one cannot care for anyone unless self care is practiced.

I love this Helena, gives me hope x

[Peter_2009]

Do you have a local Stroke Group? Have you both been?
Speaking with the group organiser and meeting others might give some inspiration, regenerate understanding and give some sparks of life, hopefully.

I am not trained or anything, and I feel really bad about what I am going to say below, but do you need to see a counsellor? You sound so flat, it is a concern and is there a danger of you feeling contempt and resentment further along the line?

You are concerned she would not get over your leaving her, but what about her being in a resentful relationship? Does she deserve better? Will she have better life? Will she end up feeling trapped? I feel terrible saying those, but it's things you should consider and I am saying them in support of her.

It seems that you both need to go to the stroke group a few times and see if that improves anything in your own selves and for yourself to have some professional counselling and guidance.

Thanks breezy