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Feeling guilty - Dad upped the stakes again and I didnt go with it - Page 18 - Carers UK Forum

Feeling guilty - Dad upped the stakes again and I didnt go with it

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181 posts
Well he got discharged yesterday. 5 nights in hospital.
He got the ward to phone me at 2pm to ask if he could be collected at 2-30pm. Ummm no Im 70 miles away - I'll get you 730pm. In the end he phoned his cousin.

But that meant he could say to me oh well come and see me at home at 730pm instead. Apparently, the fact that I'd been up since 530am, would have to drive straight from getting off the train was ok in his books. So I said no - hes not happy.

However, his short stay in hospital seems to have "cured" his other illlnesses (for now anyway). We'll see how things go.
Very, very glad you didn't collect him, and didn't go and visit him! Stay strong.

Visit him - if you must, at a time set by YOU maybe over the weekend, for an hour or so, then leave and come home to your own weekend.

Stay strong, Paul - you've started well. Keep it going!

Cheers, Jenny
jenny lucas wrote:Very, very glad you didn't collect him, and didn't go and visit him! Stay strong.

Visit him - if you must, at a time set by YOU maybe over the weekend, for an hour or so, then leave and come home to your own weekend.

Stay strong, Paul - you've started well. Keep it going!

Cheers, Jenny
Well I popped in Friday night (I was in the area anyway). Fortunately, hes still happy after his hospital visit. Still going for his endoscopy though this week - waste of time that is but I understand its not pleasant, so it might teach him its not ideal to have these tests he doesnt need.

He tried to get me to visit Sunday but I said I'd ring him instead. He wasnt particularly happy. So sunday evening my phone rang at 8pm, then every 2 mins for about half an hour (I was eating my tea!).

I did speak to him he was ok. Seems he had a few visitors saturday but, in his words "havent seen a soul today" (apart from his carer lol!). Why the be so dramatic? So I said - Its one day. If you cant cope with one day then dont live on your own - go into shelered accomodation. End of that discussion from him.

As you've all said before he wants things all on his terms. Live where he wants and everyone doing what he wants.

One thing about the last few weeks. Hes not even mentioned I didnt visit him in hospital. Before he would have gone on and on about this and practically demanded I visit. So some good has come of it. Also, he didnt even ask me to take him to hospital appt tuesday hes got a lift off his cousin.
All sounds very encouraging! Keep up the good work! :) :)

Have a good week, and stay firm and hold the line. It does sound like things are getting a bit easier - but watch out for 'kickbacks' designed to un-nerve, unsettle and just 'irritate the hell out of you'!

Much nicer to spend 'quality time' with him than 'ragged time'.

Cheers, Jenny
Paul, you are doing very well. I'm wondering if the endoscopy is the hospital's attempt to get rid of him by thinking of the most unpleasant treatment possible?
Beware though, the hospital may have said he needs "someone" with him overnight - we were landed unexpectedly with FIL overnight as a result after his endoscopy. Think of a suitable excuse before hand!
bowlingbun wrote:Paul, you are doing very well. I'm wondering if the endoscopy is the hospital's attempt to get rid of him by thinking of the most unpleasant treatment possible?
Beware though, the hospital may have said he needs "someone" with him overnight - we were landed unexpectedly with FIL overnight as a result after his endoscopy. Think of a suitable excuse before hand!
Most definitely. He kept on and on which is why they've offered it I think.
Thing is he admits hes ok now but he says hes got to go because hes got to listen to the doctors! Thats a first.

But yes, I know its not pleasant and I know it sounds mean but if its a bit uncomfortable he might think twice next time. Like I said, he didnt even ask me to take him, hes asked his cousin whos taking him and hanging around. So he'll be put on the spot I guess!
Attention seeking at it's best (or worst when it's our parents we are dealing with, we cop it all)

My mother doesn't try it on to get a doc out or get taken to hospital but she frequently plays the 'I'm old and poorly' trick. She is disabled and housebound because of arthritis. She did have carers until a rapid deterioration in her mental health had me upping sticks and relocating 200 miles, at great expense, to move to her Street! Trouble is, she cancelled her carers, against my advice. I made it clear I cannot be her carer. I recently sent her a letter trying to persuade her to rehire carers. I took a week away to escape from the pressure. I rang her while I was away, hoping to catch her out. If I ask her how she is I normally get a long list of ailments and woe is me type stuff. This time, she said she was pain free, coping on her own etc. That was 3 days ago. Today I visited her and surprise surprise, this hurts, that hurts, I felt too sick to eat yesterday teatime...attention seeking and guilt tripping. Since I moved near to her, I made sure I had Wednesdays off from seeing her. Every Thursday all I get is, I wasn't well yesterday. I'm looking for full time work now, and she knows this. So I won't be available every day to look in on her. To be honest, I feel like moving away already and it's only been two months. She's manipulative, crafty, paranoid, makes things up, all in a bid to get attention. She hasn't mentioned my letter to her yet. But I will catch her out. Next time she says she's 'poorly' I'll tell her again, she needs carers. I don't want you to feel guilty for saying no to your Dad. You have to put your needs and those of your family first. Believe me, I know what it feels like when you are being manipulated. Just don't play those silly games anymore.
Sue_161212 wrote:Attention seeking at it's best (or worst when it's our parents we are dealing with, we cop it all)

My mother doesn't try it on to get a doc out or get taken to hospital but she frequently plays the 'I'm old and poorly' trick. She is disabled and housebound because of arthritis. She did have carers until a rapid deterioration in her mental health had me upping sticks and relocating 200 miles, at great expense, to move to her Street! Trouble is, she cancelled her carers, against my advice. I made it clear I cannot be her carer. I recently sent her a letter trying to persuade her to rehire carers. I took a week away to escape from the pressure. I rang her while I was away, hoping to catch her out. If I ask her how she is I normally get a long list of ailments and woe is me type stuff. This time, she said she was pain free, coping on her own etc. That was 3 days ago. Today I visited her and surprise surprise, this hurts, that hurts, I felt too sick to eat yesterday teatime...attention seeking and guilt tripping. Since I moved near to her, I made sure I had Wednesdays off from seeing her. Every Thursday all I get is, I wasn't well yesterday. I'm looking for full time work now, and she knows this. So I won't be available every day to look in on her. To be honest, I feel like moving away already and it's only been two months. She's manipulative, crafty, paranoid, makes things up, all in a bid to get attention. She hasn't mentioned my letter to her yet. But I will catch her out. Next time she says she's 'poorly' I'll tell her again, she needs carers. I don't want you to feel guilty for saying no to your Dad. You have to put your needs and those of your family first. Believe me, I know what it feels like when you are being manipulated. Just don't play those silly games anymore.
Sue - I feel for you. You've got it worse than me to be honest - you sound like an absolute star.

To be honest, 200 miles away from parent seems the optimum distance to me though.

But all of this is very familiar. My Dad does the same, fine one day, dying the next, dependent on his mood. Its hard to tell when hes telling the truth and when its just him playing up.

Hes fine at the moment - back to normal. After 5-6 days all his issues seem to have disappeared magically (thus proving that it was all either completely in his head or stress related at leasr ).,

But Im all too aware that next time hes even slightly ill its going to kick this all off again. Thing is hes carrying on now and seems totally oblivious to all the trouble hes caused the last few months.

He is on a proper dose of anti-depressants now so Im hoping that will help somewhat.
Quick update
Since his hospital visit like I said hes back to normal. Hes out for a walk every day, plays bowls twice a week, walks to the betting shop, goes to chapel. Im back to visiting once a week max and phoining him every few days (from him wanting me to visit every day AND phone once a day)

Its hard to believe that this is the same fella who, on Xmas day, milked it for all its worth by shuffling across the living room as if he could nt walk and then was convinced he was at death door and not going to make it until the GP opened after xmas.

Problems is I KNOW theres going to be a next time...
That sounds great! And you know, even if there is a 'next time', well, enjoy this reprieve while it lasts. Plus, in a way, now you 'know' the solution - try and get him into hospital (on any pretext!) for a couple of days to be checked out by 'proper doctors' (eg, hospital ones!) who hopefully will give him another clean bill of health and send him home again reassured and revivied.

On the other hand, you know, this 'new dad' may actually last! Maybe something's changed in his head - eg, he now 'KNOWS' there isn't any seriously wrong with him, maybe seeing folk in hospital who WERE on their last legs has made him realise he'd better enjoy like as much as he can, while he can. And maybe, of course, your new 'firm love' regime is paying off.

This 'new dad' might just be for ever!

All the best :)

PS - you mention chapel. Is it worth you having a word with his minister to outline the general problems - ie, the psych ones - and ask him to do his 'religious bit' to keep your dad uplifted and optimistic (and counting his blessings). Just a thought!
181 posts