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Feeling guilty - Dad upped the stakes again and I didnt go with it - Page 13 - Carers UK Forum

Feeling guilty - Dad upped the stakes again and I didnt go with it

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181 posts
bowlingbun wrote:Not sure Paul, it depends what is around in his area. If the worst comes to the worst, you could give him a Christmas present of a Christmas dinner at a nearby pub or hotel? Brother could arrange transport.
Lots of people spend Christmas alone, and there are plenty of hotels that do special Christmas offers. If he chooses not to take advantage of them, it's his choice.
I just feel so sorry for you wife going to so much effort. If dad is so rude and ungrateful and generally ill behaved, with no dementia, then he doesn't deserve a place at her table.
I didn't realise your youngest was only three. It's such a precious age, he's now making Christmas memories of his own. My four year old grandson loves Christmas, the present opening, games, silly hats etc. Your youngest deserves a happy mummy and daddy on Christmas day too.
Yes youngest is 3. Which is why its so tough for wife being ill at times.
Xmas eve he phoned me and wanted me there at 9am to collect him next day. When I said, look let me open presents first he moaned. Then when I phoned him at 11am xmas day and said I'd be 45 mins he made a rude comment again (like "never! - Ive been sat here for hours waiting").

Whilst he was at out house first he pretended he couldnt walk and I had to pretty much drag him in the door (he was fine earlier). Then he pretented he couldnt see the settee to sit down (he always moans its too dark in our house -we just have xmas tree lights on etc).

Then he starts his story about how ill hes been. Starts saying "get me a glass of water". No please or thank you. Then hes moaning about how he can't eat. Wife puts it on his plate and hes off and eating before anyone else has sat down. Its being shovelled in like theres no tommrow. No waiting for him.

Worse thing is then hes moaning about how ill hes been again and his upset stomach and then belches and breaks wind about 20 times (saying "excuse me" probably once). Wife was not impressed. Followed by him telling everyone how ill hes been because he just cant eat.

Then he monopolised my time for a few more hours before eventually agreeing to go home. Then he starts - hes feeling ill now and think he needs to call an ambulance. I spend two hours talking him out of it. With him telling me he can't cope on his own or look after himself and he wont last until the GP is open again on wednesday.

I finally get home at about 8pm..... No wonder my wife is not happy with him. Or me!1
In his head though, hes done nothing wrong.

Thing is hes got family who live local. His sister is on her own at xmas too (albeit with a neighbour). His sister is a nightmare - is first to have a go at me saying he needs looking after but then no sign of come xmas day. (In fact, before xmas she caught a bus out to the hospital when he was off on one of his wild goose chases - I refused to go I was miles away in work).
Sister and son living locally? Perhaps it's dad's turn to treat them to Christmas lunch locally, altogether. I really don't see why it should always be your responsibility, although I can guess why the others leave you to it.
bowlingbun wrote:Sister and son living locally? Perhaps it's dad's turn to treat them to Christmas lunch locally, altogether. I really don't see why it should always be your responsibility, although I can guess why the others leave you to it.
Yes, his sister lives a few miles away. He used to go there for years but then she decided it was too much for her. Shes got a habit of doing things like this. Comes steaming in with good intentions and tells everyone how shes had to step in to look after her little brother then when it becomes a burden drops him.

(I'll never forgive her for the way she treated him with washing when he first lived on his own. I was trying to get him to but a washing machine - he wasnt keen. Then she steamed in and said if no-one else was willing to help she'd do his washing. She did for a few years then realised it was too hard and dropped him. Too late then he'd got used to someone doing it for him).

Brother and his girlfriend live even closer. Like I said, even though brother has a daughter she lives with her mother and he sees her infrequently, so hes got no kids to look after.

Know what you mean BB. In the past, brother has been useless so I've had no choice. To be honest, even now I'd do anything for my Dad that he NEEDS. Its just that I can no longer do stuff that he just WANTS because he prefers it that way.
Had two interesting conversations yesterday.

If you remember I'd sent Dad in with a letter of consent to the GP. Previously, I'd spoken to GP and raised concerns but they couldnt say much.

Yesterday they called me. Dad had been in to see them again. They'd looked at the possibility of Alzheimers etc. (I guess after the chat I had last week) - not a proper test just a discussion it seems. At the moment, as far as they are concerned, it looks like he is not even borderline for something like this. Seems to indicate its just him being awkward.

Funnily then, 20 mins later he calls. Same old moaning. Am I coming to see him Saturday? (I've already got plans to take the kids somewhere on Saturday). I didn't even say no I said I had something on so I'd see. He kept on about it.

In the end, I pointed out, for about the 10th time, that he had to remember I had family to look out for and also a wife who was ill too and that I'd already neglected them over xmas. (maybe I should have pointed out shes iller than he is!)

His answer which will be difficult to forget. "X (my wife) will be OK - she needs to understand I'm ill and need you to visit" and also "There'll be other xmases to see your kids".

Think this conversation has just about summed him up to be honest.
Nothing can ever replace a Christmas with little children, seeing their faces open their presents, just enjoying the magic of Christmas. It only seems two minutes since mine were little, and now I have a grandchild. You need to enjoy every fleeting second of their childhood.
Dad is never going to understand that, so from now on, everything has to be on your terms. Good not to say an outright "No" to his demand for a visit. When he says he's ill, maybe remind him he has a choice, either have carers or move into residential care.
Hi Paul
Very surprised and disappointed at the response from your GP. I suggest you fish around on line for a basic test you can try to give Dad yourself and perhaps speak to another GP about the results.
I would also itemise all the things that concern you

Repetition
Selfish to the point of being selfish to his grandchildren
Only wanting you
Feeling ill all the time
Plenty of others to add I am sure ......

Read up on it , make a note of all the early signs and symptoms he has- see the link I sent earlier from the Alzheimers Society and do a bit of googling.
The biggest hurdle is getting the initial referral to the memory team because once he is in their hands, they will pick up on all these things and understand his behaviour, but sadly not a specialism all the GPs seem to "get".
Henrietta wrote:Hi Paul
Very surprised and disappointed at the response from your GP. I suggest you fish around on line for a basic test you can try to give Dad yourself and perhaps speak to another GP about the results.
I would also itemise all the things that concern you

Repetition
Selfish to the point of being selfish to his grandchildren
Only wanting you
Feeling ill all the time
Plenty of others to add I am sure ......

Read up on it , make a note of all the early signs and symptoms he has- see the link I sent earlier from the Alzheimers Society and do a bit of googling.
The biggest hurdle is getting the initial referral to the memory team because once he is in their hands, they will pick up on all these things and understand his behaviour, but sadly not a specialism all the GPs seem to "get".
Thanks Henrietta. Yes I've had a look at some of the basic tests and, I must admit, I dont think he meets the criteria either. But I won't give up with the GP.
Hi Paul
You wrote:- I'd do anything for my Dad that he NEEDS. Its just that I can no longer do stuff that he just WANTS because he prefers it that way.

Well you are making some self assertive progress but he still NEEDS to be in a Home Paul, for everyone's sake.

"X will be OK - she needs to understand I'm ill and need you to visit"
Suggest reply 'And you need to understand that X is ill too, more ill than you think you are and she comes first.'

"There'll be other Xmases to see your kids".
'BUT this Christmas/birthday/Easter/Holiday will never come back and we need to be together. MY family comes first. Call my brother.'

Please start to drum it in that he is NOT first on your priority list and that he must understand that and think about a Home.
Also start passing everything onto your brother and let him take some of the responsibility. I suspect that he will soon start advocating Nursing Home care too.
KR
E.
Why not get him registered with the Local Authority for a lifeline pendant "in case of emergencies" You can then switch off your phone/ get a phone with caller display and ignore him. If he has an emergency he can press his pendant and you will be alerted. If he keeps pressing it attention seeking, then they may do a referral for you once they can see there is a problem.
Don't do what I did and sign the direct debit yourself! I am still paying for it 7 years on :roll: Learn by my mistakes LOL
Mum had a phone and pendant. When she no longer needed them I took them to the local one stop centre, handed them in and she even got a few pounds rebate.
E.
181 posts