Feeling guilty - Dad upped the stakes again and I didnt go with it

[Henrietta]

Hi Paul
Sorry to hear Christmas was a bit miserable this year. I can identify with the never hearing pleases and thank yous. In a way , when the odd one does pop out it seems far more meaningful. Sadly another symptom of dementia, as with the socialy unacceptable "releases". This is one of the reasons why I feel a diagnosis would be helpful. It helps you and those around you to see the reasons behind this type of behaviour and removes the temptation to just label Dad the grumpy old rude man etc. Take a look at some of these links - there are many many others available.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scri ... mentID=130

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scri ... mentID=159

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scri ... mentID=133

[paul_1607]

Hi Paul
Sorry to hear Christmas was a bit miserable this year. I can identify with the never hearing pleases and thank yous. In a way , when the odd one does pop out it seems far more meaningful. Sadly another symptom of dementia, as with the socialy unacceptable "releases". This is one of the reasons why I feel a diagnosis would be helpful. It helps you and those around you to see the reasons behind this type of behaviour and removes the temptation to just label Dad the grumpy old rude man etc. Take a look at some of these links - there are many many others available.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scri ... mentID=130

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scri ... mentID=159

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scri ... mentID=133

Thanks so much Henrietta. I'm just a little annoyed at all the doctors hes seen. No-one has taken him aside and had a look at his mental state.

To be honest, hes driving me up the wall. I'm going to be divorced if he carries on like this. Or I'm going to be ill.

One chink of light. I got him to sign a consent letter last night to take to the GP with him. (He'll be on the phone first thing wednesday - hes convinced he wont last until then!)

But for now I'm going to have to ignore him. Time to give some of my time to my family because hes taking it all at the moment.

BB and Jenny especially- I know you've told me 1000 times its just so hard!

[paul_1607]

Hi Paul
Sorry to hear Christmas was a bit miserable this year. I can identify with the never hearing pleases and thank yous. In a way , when the odd one does pop out it seems far more meaningful. Sadly another symptom of dementia, as with the socialy unacceptable "releases". This is one of the reasons why I feel a diagnosis would be helpful. It helps you and those around you to see the reasons behind this type of behaviour and removes the temptation to just label Dad the grumpy old rude man etc. Take a look at some of these links - there are many many others available.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scri ... mentID=130

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scri ... mentID=159

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scri ... mentID=133

Interesting stuff. Trouble is I can categorically say Dad has NO problems whatsoever with his memory. Hes spot on with this. Which I guess rules out dementia.

Hes just a more extreme, and selfish version of hows been previously. And listens to people even less than he used to.

I must admit I wonder if hes got some sort of depression/health anxiety or something. Hypochondria it used to be called. I have never seen anything like it. He is convinced hes on his last legs and that everyone has got to jump to what he wants because of this.

[Henrietta]

Hi Paul
Dad has vascular dementia (had a major stroke back in 2009 but picked up well afterwards). He is now 90 and memory loss is a very minor part of the dementia symptoms he has. You would hardly notice memory loss at all, although some of the probing questions the memory nurse asked did reveal a degree of it. He masks it well by never discussing the past , blaming the hearing problem or simply wandering off at a tengent. I would say some of the things you describe were what I was facing before his assessment. I felt it was all in my head and I was making mountains out of molehills etc. Other family and hospital staff felt it was-effects of stroke (which he had got over pretty well) or old age or just being grumpy etc. Personally I was relieved to get the official verdict just for my own sanity. When you are main carer and also know the person with dementia better than anyone else you need to trust your judgement. I feel from what I have read that the classic memory decline is perhaps more associated with alzheimers and some of the muddledness is perhaps more Vascular dementia. I suppose no two cases are alike depending on the extent and area of brain that is affected.
I'm not saying it will be any easier for your wife and family to deal with but it does take the "nasty old person" element out of things when it is an illness.
I'm so pleased you have a signed letter from your Dad, make sure it is officialy recorded at the surgery. I have always found Drs and hospital staff willing to discuss things openly with me and always feel that I get favourably quick appointments for myself as a flagged carer.
Ask the GP for a referral to the memory clinic and before you go, jot down a few of the strange or anti social things your dad has been doing, in case you need to justify things with the GP.
When The GP first did Dad's quick memory test he passed it. Fortunately the GP was extremely helpful and knew enough of Dad's history to fish out another version of the test which he went on to fail and so she referred him on. When the memory clinic do their test they will be looking at lots of things besides just memory so they should get to a useful conclusion.

[Maz1963]

Paul - just read one of your recent posts. I think the memory loss is not always a common theme with dementia. I've lived with my mum's vascular dementia for just over a year now. It happened very suddenly, though now I put them into context - there were odd behaviours before. It's only now she has been diagnosed that I can link these to dementia, though they were 'subtle' and I did put them down to just elderly grumpiness!! When mum had the major episode/stroke whatever it was that caused her to decline so suddenly (tests were not conclusive about the strokes) I called 999 and when she was admitted to A&E one of the docs did a long mental capacity test with her and she got everything right, apart from one key date in history. She was counting backwards in 7s. Her memory was totally intact at that point. It's only when she declined over the next few days that her memory then gradually started to be affected (both long and short term).

I'm not trying to 'scare' you but I have read a load of stuff over the past few months and it seems that with vascular dementia the behaviours may be the first signs that something is looming. Your dad may not have dementia, but it may be worth bearing this in mind.

[paul_1607]

Thanks all. Yes its good I've finally talked him into the consent thing.

Annoyingly today he was at my brothers. Apparently he ate like a horse (he did ok at xmas day). Yet still hes convinced hes undernourished. (He kept on at my house to borrow the scales - I said I didnt have any). And today appeared to be a "good " day.

Of course, my brother has done his normal - had a dig at me saying I need to have more patience because dad brought us up etc. I give up with him. All well and good when you live 1 mile away, got no kids to look after and dont have an ill partner.

Today I havent spoken to Dad. (Like I said he was at brothers). In fact, I blocked his number. After yesterday, I just needed a bit of space and time for my family.

We've had dad every xmas day for probably last 15 years. Next year I think is going to be time for a break for my family and we do the boxing day. I feel guilty but its only fair.

My dear brother will have to change his plans of going down the pub on xmas day!

[paul_1607]

Been looking at some of the dementia stuff and, to be honest, I dont think he has got dementia.

Also, been speaking to a friend of mine whos a senior nurse specialising in mental health (and particularly old people) and, although he hasnt seen my Dad, he also says the same. He says he does see this behaviour all the time and its just typical of some old people where they lost all social skills and empathy for others because they just get old and cant be bothered any more.

Yesterday was interesting. My wife has been ill since xmas day (with her fibromyalgia). Worse shes been for a while - obviously with xmas etc being busy. Spoke to my Dad and it was obvious he didnt really give a monkeys - its all about him.

[bowlingbun]

Paul, sorry to hear your wife is under the weather. Christmas is a marathon for any mum.
Maybe this is the time to start drip feeding the idea of dad not coming to yours for Christmas (or anything much) in future as your wife "can't cope", "is too ill at the moment". Let your brother have dad for Christmas, or they can go out for a meal together?!
My husband and I had a good arrangement. We ran a business together, as well as being married. If I didn't want to do something, I'd say my husband wouldn't be able to because.., and vice versa. We always reckoned our shoulders were both broad enough to cope, and it was sometimes an easier way of letting someone down gently.
From now on, your wife and your kids and your own wellbeing, mental and physical, come first.

[paul_1607]

Paul, sorry to hear your wife is under the weather. Christmas is a marathon for any mum.
Maybe this is the time to start drip feeding the idea of dad not coming to yours for Christmas (or anything much) in future as your wife "can't cope", "is too ill at the moment". Let your brother have dad for Christmas, or they can go out for a meal together?!
My husband and I had a good arrangement. We ran a business together, as well as being married. If I didn't want to do something, I'd say my husband wouldn't be able to because.., and vice versa. We always reckoned our shoulders were both broad enough to cope, and it was sometimes an easier way of letting someone down gently.
From now on, your wife and your kids and your own wellbeing, mental and physical, come first.

You're right there BB. Every year he just assumes hes coming to us for xmas day and brothers for boxing day. Of course, brother is happy with this arrangement!

I've got kids inc 3 year old. Brother has none (living with him anyway!)

Every year I drive 30 mins to collect him, then 30 mins home. He stays a few hours then its hour round trip again. Like I said this year it was 2 hours in his house too! Brother lives 5 mins from him.... just him and his girlfriend...

After this year enough is enough but I still feel guilty if I have to lie to him. After all what happens if brother than says nah I've got plans xmas day I cant have him. Do I leave him on his own?

[bowlingbun]

Not sure Paul, it depends what is around in his area. If the worst comes to the worst, you could give him a Christmas present of a Christmas dinner at a nearby pub or hotel? Brother could arrange transport.
Lots of people spend Christmas alone, and there are plenty of hotels that do special Christmas offers. If he chooses not to take advantage of them, it's his choice.
I just feel so sorry for you wife going to so much effort. If dad is so rude and ungrateful and generally ill behaved, with no dementia, then he doesn't deserve a place at her table.
I didn't realise your youngest was only three. It's such a precious age, he's now making Christmas memories of his own. My four year old grandson loves Christmas, the present opening, games, silly hats etc. Your youngest deserves a happy mummy and daddy on Christmas day too.