Feeling guilty - Dad upped the stakes again and I didnt go with it

[jenny lucas]

PS - denying other people's expectations is hard. The first time takes HUGE mental energy and courage. But, with repetition, it does become easier, I promise you.

[paul_1607]

Well hes still in hospital. Still not been to see him.
Spoke on the phone yesterday and his attitude once again was off. Had a go that I hadn't been to see him and "surely wife must be better by now" (as if he knows anything!) and "surely you must be able to sort something out" (i.e. get someone else to drop everything to help out). Told him straight to cut it out.

So he says "well text your brother and tell him to visit - its urgent". Thats the problem his idea is that everything he wants is urgent. Hes saying hes had enough in hospital now its boring - this is the same fella whos been trying for months to get into hospital with GP visits, ambulances etc. Its unbelievable!

Good news is wife is a bit better. MIL is here this week to help. Im in work again today. I " could" go and see him today. Would mean going straight from train to hospital, not seeing my youngest tonight, meaning pretty much a 16 hour day for me just leaving home now 630am). Trouble is Im shattered at the moment to be honest both physically and mentally....

I've told my wife I'll go tomorrow. Shes not entirely in agreement and thinks I should tell him no. To be honest, I can see her point with his demanding etc. But what do I do?

[lonewolf1401@gmail.com]

Stay strong, Paul. There doesn't appear to be anything particularly serious wrong with your father does there, so no need to bust a gut to see him. You need to look after yourself and your family first. It's completely unreasonable of him to expect you to make such a mammoth trip, when you're working full-time and you have a family. Please don't give in to him, he just wants attention and to be the centre of attention. Leave him to your brother.

[paul_1607]

Stay strong, Paul. There doesn't appear to be anything particularly serious wrong with your father does there, so no need to bust a gut to see him. You need to look after yourself and your family first. It's completely unreasonable of him to expect you to make such a mammoth trip, when you're working full-time and you have a family. Please don't give in to him, he just wants attention and to be the centre of attention. Leave him to your brother.

Yes, like I said for me to get to the hospital. Its leave home at 630am to drive to train. Get back at either just before 6pm or 630pm. Drive 45 mins to hospital. Visiting is 6-8pm. So even then Im missing a lot of it. Get home then probably near enough 9pm. So youngest will be in bed sleeping so I wont see her at all that day. Probably have something to eat then sleep ready for the alarm at 530am next day!

Small bang on the head he had last friday - they were going to let him out same day to be honest. For some reason they've kept him in. I think its because hes been playing them up. He has a habit of doing this - probably saying his head hurts or his favourite, hes dizzy etc.

He did it Xmas day at our house. Day before he walked to betting shop - a good 1/4 mile. Crossing busy roads, up and down kerbs etc. Our house xmas day he shuffles across the living room inch at a time as if he'd never walked before. And also he faked not being able to see anything at all. Then for xmas dinner he moaned he felt ill and couldnt eat yet as soon as the plate was on the table he was stuck in there without waiting for anyone else!

Hes very manipulative. I know full well hes in hospital because hes managed somehow to manufacture the situation. In his head, hes like well they can sort me out now while Im here. But of course, its a bit boring in hospital (especially if you're not ill!) so he wants someone there all the time to entertain him.

[lonewolf1401@gmail.com]

Exactly, Paul, so don't rise to the bait. You'll wear yourself out, you need to look after yourself, your wife and children. Dad just has to come last, tough but that's life. Let your brother deal with him, and as others have said maybe this might be the chance to get him to accept moving to a home.

[jenny lucas]

Paul, you ask 'What do I do?'
Simples. Don't go.

Stay home/at work, whatever.

You've described your dad in your post, he's simply bored, that's all. So leave him where he's said he's desperately wanted to be, ie, hospital, to show him that actually, he doesn't want to be there!

When they do finally discharge him (they'll want his bed at some point!), then again, do NOT rush over.

The more he uses you, the more he will.

Make your New Year's Resolution 'Do not jump when Dad yanks the strings. I'm not his puppet.'

All the best, Jenny

[paul_1607]

Paul, you ask 'What do I do?'
Simples. Don't go.

Stay home/at work, whatever.

You've described your dad in your post, he's simply bored, that's all. So leave him where he's said he's desperately wanted to be, ie, hospital, to show him that actually, he doesn't want to be there!

When they do finally discharge him (they'll want his bed at some point!), then again, do NOT rush over.

The more he uses you, the more he will.

Make your New Year's Resolution 'Do not jump when Dad yanks the strings. I'm not his puppet.'

All the best, Jenny

You're right as always Jenny. Hes bored and he wants me there to fuss over him. Thats all.

I've got the rest of the family (his sister, his cousin) giving me grief now for not visiting. Even though they've not visited him either! And of course my dear brother....

[jenny lucas]

Well, there you are then! And as for the rest of the family, they can carp at you when they've all trotted in themselves! Until then, they can go hang.

Enjoy your day, either at home, or work, but not with your dad.

Why not add 'Look for Dad's Care Home' to your NY Resolution list?

Would it be best for him to be in a home near you, or near where he lives? I think you said he has quite a social life (when he wants!) where he is??

[paul_1607]

Well, there you are then! And as for the rest of the family, they can carp at you when they've all trotted in themselves! Until then, they can go hang.

Enjoy your day, either at home, or work, but not with your dad.

Why not add 'Look for Dad's Care Home' to your NY Resolution list?

Would it be best for him to be in a home near you, or near where he lives? I think you said he has quite a social life (when he wants!) where he is??

Yes might be a plan. He has friends in his hometown etc. and at the moment lives 10 mins walk from town centre etc. Brother lives 10 mins drive away.

I live 25 miles away. Only people he'd know if he moved to where I lived would be me. I can see what would happen then!

[bowlingbun]

Somewhere near him then, run by people you can trust to say if he is REALLY ill!