Feeling guilty - Dad upped the stakes again and I didnt go with it

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181 posts
Paul, why did you waste two hours persuading him he didn't need to call an ambulance? Why even waste ten minutes!

When he says he wants to call one, just say 'You don't need one', and leave. If he calls one, they'll sort him out either on the phone, or when the paramedics arrive and find out he isn't ill.

You really are on a hide to nowhere trying to reason with him.

Please don't have him over next Christmas. He's ruining it for your family. Maybe your wife should just put her foot down and be done with it.
Well its getting to be like a living nightmare now. Spoke to him Thursday and he'd been to docs again and doc has given him an Anti-depressant. Good I thought - GP is listening to me. BUT he moaned and groaned (he'd been reading the side effects leaflet) that he didn't want it etc so I should have known.

I was in work today and kept getting unknown numbers calling me. Starting from 9am. I never answer these because I get a lot of job agencies wasting my time and no message was left. Anyway at 5pm I answered it (for some stupid reason!).

It was the hospital. Dad was in A&E having had a "fall" apparently. He'd pressed his lifeline button and they'd called 999. Of course, I'm 80 miles away in work. Wife is at home, struggling to look after kids, her mother is helping out but they're waiting for me to get home to take over.

So I think sod it I can't do this anymore. I'm not rushing to the hospital and leaving my wife alone again. I text my brother (he doesn't reply for three hours - hes drunk in the pub so he cant go). So I phone the hospital back - Dad wants to come home (more like they're kicking him out again but want someone else to take responsibility) but cant stay on his own - can I collect him and stay at his house tonight. No way no way no way.

Apparently, he has cut his head which was a surprise but I honestly believe this is not genuine. Scarily, I think hes either taken a dive on purpose, or done something like knocked his head on the cupboard door and used this as an excuse. He knows the GP won't come out if he calls them, and he knows I'll have a go at him if he calls an ambulance just because hes "aching" so he knows that "having a fall" gives him a valid reason.

Either way, its got him another visit to hospital and more attention which he wants.

I refused to collect him from hospital. I pointed out to them that hes done this sort of thing many times in the past few months and hes playing everyone. I just can't let my wife down again. They kept him in now (which is probably what we wanted anyway).

Amazingly, after I tell brother and girlfriend hes staying in, I get a flurry of texts. Not so drunk/busy now they're in the clear. Offers to collect him tomorrow (when they're night out on the beer isnt spoiled I think). Same from his cousin who he also called from hospital (bit awkward to collect him tonight but I can do tomorrow). Looks like unless good old Paul does the running around no-one else will.

Can't believe that hes done this. I'm 99% sure that he did not have a genuine fall. If he did hes the unluckiest person alive. What with all his other various illnesses that have manifest in the last 3 months. Its just too much of a co-incidence that "having a fall" gets him what he wants.

He started his AD last night (hopefully) and there are side effects inc feeling a bit weird, tired, sick etc. He probably got up this morning and just didnt want to put up with this again. I warned him (been there got the t-shirt over the last 10-15 years with various ADs and their side-effects!) but just knew he'd be like this and not have the patience to put up with it, chill out, and wait for it to help him.

Its getting the point now where my Dads complete lack of consideration or thought for anyone else is making me resent him at the moment. I've tried my best to help him and this is the thanks I get.

Wife has been brilliant with me again today but, as you can imagine, she is not impressed with his actions at all and I cant blame her at all. Probably won't have to worry about xmas day next year because Im going to have to tell him just how much hes upset her.
jenny lucas wrote:Paul, why did you waste two hours persuading him he didn't need to call an ambulance? Why even waste ten minutes!

When he says he wants to call one, just say 'You don't need one', and leave. If he calls one, they'll sort him out either on the phone, or when the paramedics arrive and find out he isn't ill.

You really are on a hide to nowhere trying to reason with him.

Please don't have him over next Christmas. He's ruining it for your family. Maybe your wife should just put her foot down and be done with it.
Jenny - Wife said this too. Let him call an ambulance and let them deal with it.
But yes hes ruined this Xmas for my family.

Tomorrow my phone is being turned off. Brother can deal with him when he comes home.
Elaine wrote:Hi Paul
You wrote:- I'd do anything for my Dad that he NEEDS. Its just that I can no longer do stuff that he just WANTS because he prefers it that way.

Well you are making some self assertive progress but he still NEEDS to be in a Home Paul, for everyone's sake.

"X will be OK - she needs to understand I'm ill and need you to visit"
Suggest reply 'And you need to understand that X is ill too, more ill than you think you are and she comes first.'

"There'll be other Xmases to see your kids".
'BUT this Christmas/birthday/Easter/Holiday will never come back and we need to be together. MY family comes first. Call my brother.'

Please start to drum it in that he is NOT first on your priority list and that he must understand that and think about a Home.
Also start passing everything onto your brother and let him take some of the responsibility. I suspect that he will soon start advocating Nursing Home care too.
KR
E.
Funny you should mention my brother. After today hes started to talk about it. Seems to be once the responsibility rests on him too hes not so keen.
Henrietta wrote:Why not get him registered with the Local Authority for a lifeline pendant "in case of emergencies" You can then switch off your phone/ get a phone with caller display and ignore him. If he has an emergency he can press his pendant and you will be alerted. If he keeps pressing it attention seeking, then they may do a referral for you once they can see there is a problem.
Don't do what I did and sign the direct debit yourself! I am still paying for it 7 years on :roll: Learn by my mistakes LOL
He has one and as I said before its a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I can ignore him knowing he can get sorted in the event of genuine emergency.

On the other hand, its a way for him to cause more drama and attention. Press the button, tell the person, get them to ring ambulance etc. Its too easy for him to do. And of course, theres todays "fall". Dive onto the floor, press your button, job done. I'd bet my mortgage that did this, pressed the button, then got up to answer the phone when they rung, then was sitting in the chair feeling sorry for himself when ambulance turned up.

Nah he pays for it. Used to moan a lot it was a waste of money but its like an "attention" toy for him now and he likes it.
Paul, I'm concerned about the way worrying about this is ruining your sleep too. It might be worth writing to the GP and explaining that you can no longer help dad, that he has become a hypochondriac who will not listen to your attempts to reason with him. Copy it to the call centre for the Lifeline, the hospital, and the ambulance service.
Your children, wife, and work have to come first, you live too far away to drop everything.
Maybe give your brother's and aunt's contact details?!
bowlingbun wrote:Paul, I'm concerned about the way worrying about this is ruining your sleep too. It might be worth writing to the GP and explaining that you can no longer help dad, that he has become a hypochondriac who will not listen to your attempts to reason with him. Copy it to the call centre for the Lifeline, the hospital, and the ambulance service.
Your children, wife, and work have to come first, you live too far away to drop everything.
Maybe give your brother's and aunt's contact details?!
Hi BB - you noticed my posting times I guess. You're right - its all affecting me badly at the moment - I feel like Im pretty much on the edge at the moment :-( Bit silly because I know others inc yourself have this sort of thing for years....

After yesterday I realised what everyone else is doing. My brother is first to come up with the old "hes old, he brought us up, you need to have more patience" lines then hes accidentally on purpose working or mobile not working when someone tries to contact him. Today Ive turned mobile off and unplugged house phone - brother can deal this time.

I guess I'll have to phone dad at some point. He'll be home and ring me 20 times. Thing is I do I tell him I think the "fall" was deliberate and lay the law down now or give him the benefit of the doubt? Like I said, either there is something fishy going on or hes the most unlucky person in the world. To be honest Im 95% sure hes playing everyone.
Paul, I think your best action now is to stay out of it! Let your brother/cousin etc take him home and look after him if they really want to but you tell the hospital you are 'walking away' from ANY care from now on, and that's that.

Then look up care homes that might suit. Or, leave it to your bro/cousin to sort out care homes! Better still, do absolutely nothing, and let the hospital arrange emergency care home residence 'for now' - ie, to stop him being a bed blocker at an incredibly busy time for hospitals, and genuinely just stay out of it! Take his stuff over to him in the care home, and then leave.

You are so 'engaged' with him - that's the message I get when I read all your frustrated posts. You really do need to 'dis-engage'!

Make the new year the year that dad gets 'sorted' by moving to a care home where he can have all the attention he craves! He'll grumble and complain etc etc, but he'll do that even if he had a first class seat in Heaven!!! That's the mental stage he's at, and nothing can change that now alas.

Please, sit down with your wife - as a nurse she'll know how the NHS works (and so do a lot of folk here, and of course the experts on Carers UK) - and really get to grips with The Dad Problem.

Please please make this coming year, 1917, where all this 'nonsense' just stops.

All the best, Jenny
I think Jenny means 2017 not 1917 :D
Yes, definitely! :) :)
181 posts