Feeling guilty - Dad upped the stakes again and I didnt go with it

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Wont go over the same story again about how hes been....

Went to see him the weekend and he was absolutely fine. Slight cough but not even that bad. He'd even been out with his friends to play bowls. Great I thought - hes finally realised that hes not that ill.

Yesterday he phones me 4pm obviously in a bit of a state. He'd called the doctor out AGAIN. Apparently, he couldn't eat so he says. Ask him what the doctor said and "couldnt see anything" (i.e. doctor said theres bugger all wrong with you). Then its "but im burning up" (yes because you're flapping) and "its been 6 weeks now" - here the real reason he wants it sorted and wont listen to the doctors.

Anyway, GP has phoned an ambulance to take him to hospital. Really annoying that they're pandering to him. Hospital will not be pleased because there is nothing wrong with him.

Of course, he expected me to leave work there and then and meet him at the hospital. First time ever I said no I cant do that and made up a white lie about childcare.
Pointed out to him that it'd take hours to get an ambulance and then he'd likely wait in A&E for hours on a chair. I'm sure he thinks the ambulance is there in 10 minutes and theres a nurse fluffing up the pillows and putting the kettle on as hes on his way.

I am SO ANNOYED with him. Im up at 530am every day - get home at 6ish. I've got a wife whos ill (fibromyalgia) who struggles to look after our small children. Shes also awaiting an operation on her knee and walks with crutches. To top it all - I was visiting the GP in the evening to discuss my Anti-depressant medication because Im so stressed with it all!

Im just so annoyed with him right no.w Its 615am now and Im off to work. Spoke to him last night at about 10pm - surprise surprise no ambulance yet so no idea whether hes in hospital or not.

Enough is enough....But I still feel guilty....
Hi Paul

You have no need to feel guilty as your Dad has cred Wolf too many times. If there is anything wrong with your father, your GP has sent him to the right place to find it so GP needn't feel guilty either. Perhaps if your Dad gets there, and is quickly discharges after tests, he will finally see that people aren't fussing over him and he isn't getting anywhwere.
I know it will be hard to resist enquiring but perhaps hold fire for a while before ringing Dad and wait for him to tell you about it rather than asking and sounding too concerned. If you need more info, you could always ask the GP telephone call. (Make sure you are officially registered as Dad's carer at the surgery).
Hope your Dad is ok
Henrietta wrote:Hi Paul

You have no need to feel guilty as your Dad has cred Wolf too many times. If there is anything wrong with your father, your GP has sent him to the right place to find it so GP needn't feel guilty either. Perhaps if your Dad gets there, and is quickly discharges after tests, he will finally see that people aren't fussing over him and he isn't getting anywhwere.
I know it will be hard to resist enquiring but perhaps hold fire for a while before ringing Dad and wait for him to tell you about it rather than asking and sounding too concerned. If you need more info, you could always ask the GP telephone call. (Make sure you are officially registered as Dad's carer at the surgery).
Hope your Dad is ok
Thanks Henrietta. Thing is Dad has admitted that different GPs have told him about 5 times that there is nothing they can do for him. But he just won't have it.

This time I think the GP has thought "sod it send him to hospital to get rid of him".

I just hope the hospital dont just let him lie there for a few days with nothing wrong with him - it validates it for him. Now hes in hospital in his head he must be really ill.

I know if they send him home he'll wait for hours for patient transport rather than pay £10 for a taxi home. Or expect me to drive from work to collect him - its 2.5 hours, 90 miles by train then car. (Thats it - tonight he will be expecting to get off the train at 6pm drive 45-60 mins to hospital to see him, prob get home at 10pm. So wont see my kids. Then back up at 530am for work tomorrow. All because hes irritated because hes got a cough).

Thing is Im not worried about him physically in the slightest - I KNOW there is nothing wrong with him. Im just getting so apathetic to him at the moment and I feel guilty.
Tried to speak to his GP surgery yesterday. Told them I knew he'd seen a doctor and the back story etc and he was off to hospital but I was concerned about his mental state.

All they did was phone my dad to tell him I'd phoned (great I've got to explain that one now!) get his permission, then tell me what I already knew! Great. Completely ignored the fact that hes been to the GP probably 15-20 times in 6 weeks or so.
Paul, you are doing the right thing. If dad asked why you rang the docotor, just say you are worried about him cònstantly ringing you and the doc, and then change the subject. Your work and family must come first.
bowlingbun wrote:Paul, you are doing the right thing. If dad asked why you rang the docotor, just say you are worried about him cònstantly ringing you and the doc, and then change the subject. Your work and family must come first.
To be honest somethings got to give - its already difficult with my long commute and wifes illness/kids etc.

Dont get me wrong I'd be straight there if he was ill but I physically cannot be spending hours down the hospital each evening. I'll end up there myself.

Like I said when I know theres nothing wrong with him...
Maybe sit down with your wife when you are on your own and work out where you want to be in 5 years time, and plan how to get there. It sounds like working nearer to home would be on the list.
bowlingbun wrote:Maybe sit down with your wife when you are on your own and work out where you want to be in 5 years time, and plan how to get there. It sounds like working nearer to home would be on the list.
Yeh wife is ok with this. Im an IT contractor so I have to go where the work is - a lot of people in my position stay away mon-fri so Im somewhat lucky. BUT it does pay very well. Means wife can work part-time and its not an issue when shes off work ill.
Paul, save your efforts for your dad for when he REALLY needs it! Which is NOT now!

It's always very, very hard to not 'jump' when a whip you've been jumping to all your life has been cracked. But WELL DONE for resisting this one.

It does get easier, I promise you!

With your head, you KNOW your dad does not need this amount of medical fussing, and that his 'demands' are driven by something else, whether its a fear of old age and death, a fear of loss of independence, a need to have more attention paid to him, or, indeed, the onset of dementia.

You just have to train your heart to believe your head.

As your dad's life nears its close, whenever that is, believe me, you WILL be required to do more for him - so save your devotion for then, when it will be needed - which it isn't now!

All the best to you, and hold the line on rushing to the hospital etc etc.
Spot on Jenny. There is nothing wrong with him...
I know what you mean - in this instance I just could not do it.

Hes home. That was a long stay in hospital! Ambulance there and back, night in A+E, few tests to confirm there is nothing wrong and an outpatient appt probably in 3 months time.

Spoke to him and hes right as rain now. Happy that hes been to hospital. Give it a few days though.... :-(

Ive had his sister (older than him) phone me in work though and have a right dig because I didnt go around and wait with the ambulance with him and go to hospital. She said she was going to go because I refused! Jeez. Without going into it - his sister has caused problems in the past.

(year ago when he moved in she offered to do his clothes washing whereas I was pushing for him to get a washing machine - of course he took the easy option. 10 years later she stopped doing it leaving him with no-one and even less inclination to learn! Brothers GF does it for him now - no way am I doing it!)
181 posts