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grandad with adult disabled son not coping - Carers UK Forum

grandad with adult disabled son not coping

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my grandad is 86 and is the sole carer for his severly disabled son who is approximately 55 years old but has a lot of problems due to a car accident when he was about 5. my nan and grandad have aways managed to look after their son until a few years after my nan passed away. now the house which has always being clean and tidy isn't anymore, there are newspapers piled up everywhere, clutter and rubbish left around,plates with uneaten food from the day before being an example. Two weeks before Christmas James (that's their son) had a fall and hurt his ankle. grandad and James were going to my mums with myself and my family and my brother and sister in law on Christmas Day, on the day itself grandad called my mum (his daughter ) to say James had fallen and couldn't put any weight on his foot so wouldn't be able to get out to mums. My parents and brother and sister in law all went to see them to take their Christmas dinners and were very concerned about James as his ankle was very swollen and going black with the bruising. grandad refused to let James be taken to hospital or have anyone come to look at James's foot. Two weeks on and things aren't any better, James can't even get out of the chair to use the toilet, he's using a potty, sleeping downstairs on the sofa. grandad is still refusing medical help. Also the kitchen roof has been leaking badly for months and point blank refuses to have it repaired even though the council will replace it free. The leak is coming through the light fitting so is obviously extremely dangerous. .my grandad has always been a very good handyman doing lots of improvements to their home but now he's not capable of this anymore. my mum was with James when he ran out in front of a car and always blames herself for his accident and carries a lot of guilt even though James was too quick to stop for her, she was only a child herself when it happened. my mum has been in tears over the state of living at my grandads home, no one wants James in care but grandad can't look after his son properly but just refuses all help and gets very angry at anyone who goes to see him and suggests getting help with looking after James and keeping his home habitable. A long post I know but really don't know where to turn to help my grandad and uncle James get the help they need or how to get grandad to accept help that is available to him. my mom spoke to my grandads gp and the gp told mum that until grandad agrees to an assessment of his needs then there is nothing anyone can do as grandad is James main carer and the decisions have to be made by my grandad. A few family members, grandads other daughter have tried to get him to accept help but he just shouts and gets angry saying no. again sorry for a long post and hope someone has the time to read and hopefully have some advice on a very difficult and worrying situation.
I'll be frank. Do whatever you have to, call an ambulance, speak to the Police, the Ambulance Service, Social Services but make sure that James gets help TODAY. From what you say he is very ill, and if that leg doesn't get better he might end up having it amputated, or even die. Surely the family don't want that on their consciences?!
At 85, it's possible that granddad is developing dementia type problems, and he needs help himself. James is an ADULT, albeit with special needs (like my son) and it sounds like granddad is effectively "depriving him of his liberty", which is very serious. Social Services have a duty to "Protect Vulnerable Adults". Use both terms when you speak to SSD. It's time James was separated from Grandad so they can both have the care they need.
Listen to BB, she's right. I would guess that Granddad is putting his own pride before his son's welfare. He knows that he is getting too old to cope but won't admit it and is probably frightened as to what will happen to James without his care. He needs reassuring and also overruling. The family cannot let this situation go on. Call in the troops asap.
The accident wasn't your mum's fault. To be blunt, she should not have been put in charge of a small child. I know it was common in those days for children to be regarded as more 'independent' than now, but these days no parent would dream of letting one of their children look after a younger child in places like a street with traffic......

Maybe your grandfather is blaming himself for the accident, because he wasn't looking after his son properly as a child, and that's why he's insistent on keeping going now, even when he clearly can't any more.

Hoping the situation can be resolved, and both your uncle and your grandfather get the care they now need.

All so sad....
I feel so sorry for your grandad. I can only imagine his absolute terror that he might lose his son. I can also see, though, that things cannot go on as they are at the moment.
If the family live quite close, the best option would probably be to start sharing the care between all of you, by maybe helping grandad to clean up; ensuring someone gets James seen by a doctor and maybe offering some respite, if possible.
Grandad needs firm guidance and reassurance from someone close to him - maybe your mum?
If family help isn't possible, you may have to call in Social Services for both their sakes. I hope you can find a way of ensuring they can both get the help they need.
The crucial issue remains the fact that this man can't walk now, and needs ACTION.