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Family, plus my mum! - Carers UK Forum

Family, plus my mum!

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.

So, Im an only child, and a few years ago myself, my wife, our three children and my mum who is now 85 moved from England to Scotland.

All has been fairly OK whilst my mum who has her own facilities in the house (bar kitchen) until over the past few months when my mum has suffered from a few heath issues, and increasingly is relying on me to tell her what to do, day to day.

This is driving my wife crazy ... she is saying that by supporting my mum in the way she expects, Im doing her no good.... and I see her point....to some degree

Myself and my wife run our own business, time is fairly precious, and although mum has lived with us, or next door to us for all of our married life (25 years), lately my wife is becoming very abrupt with my mum, and becoming more and more distant with me....its like a double whammy.

Im the type who sees an issue, or what could become an issue and wants to deal or avoid...example, warning its going to sound petty

Saturday night, the coffee jar was empty, knowing mum has a coffee to go to bed on, I filled it.....my wife saw this and flipped saying that it needed washing out (Im not sure it did), that by doing this I was stopping mum from opening the coffee packet...im doing everything for her...etc....

I tried to explain, that if mum opened the coffee, she would likely spill it (and mum keeping her areas, and common areas clean is a recurring issue), that I was trying to avoid this, that the coffee jar looked OK to me (likely a mistake saying this), and that if there wasn't coffee available I would hear it double barrelled from my mum the next day...

Summary is, we are not talking to each other (my wife and I) , I have slept on the sofa for 2 nights so she doesn't have to deal with me....frankly its not great.

I feel like Im having to choose between them, and I cant do that, I also feel like Im walking on egg shells all the time, which is tiring.

Before now my wife has said she needs to move out, its going to get to that point again, will she.....I dont know.

So, there is resentment, there is a lack of understanding , its not that my wife isnt caring, its just that she has had enough....

Anyone been here themselves ? What advice can you give me.....

Thanks in advance
At one stage we were supporting all four parents, all within 6 miles of our home, our adult son had severe learning difficulties, and we were running a business.
Top priority for you must be your relationship and your business. Mum is nearing the end of her life, you and your wife have many years ahead of you.
When did you last have a holiday together, without mum?
Now think what mum would need while you were away. Then plan your future as if you were on holiday. Mum doesn't need YOU, you are just the convenient first port of call. If she needs help in the kitchen, arrange it for her, that doesn't have to be you. Someone else can sort out coffee jars, gardening, cleaning etc.
The future is just going to get harder and harder for mum, don't bury your head in the sand.
First say sorry to your wife, take her out for a meal, and say that TOGETHER you are going to work out a plan for mum's future that does not involve you both falling out ever again.
Arm yourself with a few sheets of paper, write down everything you do for mum. Then work out if it can be ditched (ironing) made easier (tumble dryer) or needs outside help (domestic help, gardener).
You are her SON not her SLAVE!
Hi Simon ...hi bowlingbun ...

Simon I'm sorry to jump in on your thread with no useful advice ...just wanted to say ..take bowlingbuns advice ..I didn't a couple of years ago ..now genuinely wish I had done cause my life is a mess ...correction ...it's an existence not a life ...will start my own thread about that ...but believe me ...you are on a slippery slope ...and to add one more cliche to my post ...you won t realise how your kindness can lead to being caught in a situation you'll regret until it's too late. Don't be like me and think people are bitter or negative ...really listen to their experiences and learn from them. It's really hard especially if you're a naturally sensitive and compassionate empathic person but better to be a bit tough now than live to regret and resent it.