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Family leaving me with all the responsibility - Carers UK Forum

Family leaving me with all the responsibility

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Sorry, I just need to vent and this seemed a good place to do it rather than send my brother a horrible but truthful message.

Why is it that I am again left caring for my parents while my brother swans off for a long weekend away?
I just don't get it.
He is is due to retire and is winding down at work, he is also the big boss so has the ability to say, I'm leaving the office my parents need me. But no! I'm the one who cancelled my trip away as dads surgery date clashed with my 3 day break (first trip away since last September but I wanted to be there for both my parents) my brother is always away, at least once a month, but he is still going away the afternoon dad is hofully getting discharged. So he goes off on his trip away while I have to take the afternoon off work to collect Dad from hospital. " you do to much, they rely on you to much" he says! That because I have to because you are never there!
Does he really expect our 79 year old mum to drive to a city hospital, try and park, go get Dad who has had brain surgery 2days ago and has dementia, get him back in the car (car parking is a nightmare) drive him home, get him settled all on her own?

I don't get it.
So cross, Rant over!
Hi Kay big hugs, just felt the need to reply as been there got the t shirt. No answer to it really - some care and some don't.
You will never feel guilty and will be able to live with your Conscience. Sometimes that is worth far more.
Tricky. You have two options - do as little as your brother does, and 'see what happens'. Either he steps up to the plate, or he doesn't.

Second, if he refuses to do his fair share, tell your parents that you expect him to be cut out of their will. Maybe he won't care if he's richer than they are. You could tell your parents that unless they actually cut your brother out of their lives, and refuse to see him or acknowledge his existence, that YOU will do the same with THEM.

The point is, you will never get your lazy, selfish brother to lift a finger if he doesn't have to! He feels no 'compunction' about his parents OR you. Don't expect him to 'become nice' - he won't.

A friend of mine has this with her sister, who refused to have their-father-with-dementia to stay with her at all, to give my friend essential breaks from having the dad living with her full time. What makes it galling is that the sister then said he should go into a care home - he would be self-funding. Yet then the sister ALSO wanted 'her share' of her eventual inheritance before the dad had died (my firend has PoA for him) and before any fees for care homes were deducted!!!!! So, she didn't want to lift a finger, but wanted her money....oh, nice!
It's worth remembering that if one sibling is 'good and responsible' and the other is 'selfish an lazy' when it comes to parental care, that the lazy selfish sibling is the way they are because they were brought up that way!

It is, after all, a parent's responsibility to bring their children up to be responsible themselves! And not exploit their own siblings!

So, sadly, if your parents suffer because they allowed their son to grow up into the selfish lazy person he is now, THEY have to take the consequences, NOT YOU.
Might it be that your brother is so involved with his work that he just doesn't realize your situation?

Also, can the hospital arrange for your dad to be brought home by hospital transport and for follow up hospital appointments?
It doesn't have to be like this! You need to find a better balance of who does what.
You are wrongly thinking that either you or your brother care for mum and dad. That is the root of the problem.
In fact, neither of you HAVE TO do anything at all!
You didn't HAVE TO go to the hospital to collect dad, they could have arranged hospital transport.
You didn't HAVE TO cancel your holiday either.
I suspect the real problem is that you have been manipulated into this situation, that as a good and dutiful daughter it's been assumed you will care for them. I've been there too!

That's not to say that they don't need help, of course they do., and with dementia, as well as old age, it's going to be increasingly more and more and more until they die.
At some time, they, you, and your brother are going to have to accept that they need outside help, and the more help they get the longer they can stay at home.
The hospital should have arranged 6 weeks of free care at home for dad. Did you know? Was it arranged? If not, why not? Because "my daughter will do it"? Were you ever asked?
On the brink of a breakdown (long story) I had counselling which was a huge help, you might benefit from it too?
Your role needs to become that of a Care MANAGER not provider, so that they are well looked after and you can have a life of their own. I'm not suggesting you abandon them though!
Mum and dad should have a Needs Assessment from Social Services, and you, a Carers Assessment. Let Social Services arrange all the basic care they need, getting out of bed, bathing/showering, meals etc., then you can look at what else needs doing, and who should do it.
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Does dad claim exemption from Council Tax?
How old is he?
Do they own their home?
Have over £46,000 in savings?
Claim Attendance Allowance?
Pay you for the care they provide?
With this basic information, we can help you work out the best way forward.
A lot of good questions and advice from bb!
In my experience it's easy to assume someone else has the same emotions and priorities as me. They don't!!! Likewise your brother comes to things from a different angle than you do. You said you "wanted to be there at discharge". He probably didn't even think of it

Best you tell brother what he has to do and when. No discussion as to why you can't or wont'. just calm, clear directions . And you book more time away, you go and stay away. You don't return because you want to, only if you absolutely have to . Tell bro he has full control while you are away, and go! Like children he won't learn responsibility if he isn't given it.

Kr
MrsA
Hi Kay
Every family is different and we all have our own reasons for acting the way we do. No size fits all.
Some of this advice is extreme but you need to pick the bits that fit, decide what you are prepared to do as an individual given that no one else is helping and become manager for the rest. You only ever get one brother or sister or whatever and so many families fall out at this time of life. Take a long term look at your relationships and remember there are always consequences. Perhaps you will need the rest of your family when caring days are behind you. It really all depends on how you get on generally.
I finally realised that my brothers didn't really care much at all about mum. They were really waiting for her to die so they could get their inheritance.


Like you, I was the one who was always there for her, who would always be there whatever time of the day or night it was if the ambulance was called, the one who visited in hospital, did her washing, some of it not pleasant etc. Brothers always "too busy".
Rather than leave equal shares of her property, mum changed her will, I got half, the brothers a quarter each. I was the only one who knew, apart from the solicitor of course.

After mum died, my younger brother demanded he had his share before the end of the tax year so he could take full advantage of the ISA allowance for the year in question!
When he didn't get as much as he thought he would younger brother got in touch with a solicitor demanding more. My solicitor replied and I've never heard from brother since.

I feel this is a double betrayal, of mum and me. He's 8 years younger than me, when he was growing up, he called me his "No.2 Mummy", I was always the one he wanted to tuck him up at night, read bedtime stories etc.

Accepting that other family members don't care the same as you, and will always disappoint you, is difficult.

However, if you accept that you alone are the one that cares, that you are the one to support dad to plan what happens to him next (that Care Manager role) then things actually become much more straightforward.