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Families - Carers UK Forum


Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I'll have to be careful to avoid wandering into a full on rant.

How do I protect Mum from my Ghost Sister [GS]? GS's 3 sons are largely the reason Mum didn't want her on the POA. The youngest is a real shyster. He hasn't seen Mum for 5 years, didn't bother to invite her to his wedding, didn't invite her to his first born's christening and although said child is now 2 he has never taken her to meet her Great Grandmother. Mum is very family oriented and this devastated her.

After 5 years of silence he's suddenly developed concern for his Nan's welfare and this is being promoted by his wretched mother. They can't do anything without my getting in the way as I have Mum's cards, cheque book etc. [Aged about 7 the middle son was persuaded by his mother to trot up to Mum and ask her if he could have his flat when she died!]

I have no idea what's in Mum's will which she made about 10 years ago before dementia moved in but I am worried that I'll get them battering my door down and my GS is oblivious to the way proprieties. She only thinks about what's in it for her.

We are only at the start of this journey but already the vultures are circling. I feel like I'm under attack from all sides at the moment. The hospital aren't doing much to help Mum recover, I'm worried sick GS will do another of her spectacular bolts when she realises how much work it is caring for someone with dementia leaving me to cope alone and now my horrible nephews are crawling out of the woodwork professing undying concern for someone they've ignored for years but who might just leave them cash.

How do I cope with avaricious and shameless relatives?
I could have written that post about my nephews and nieces a few years ago.
The good thing is that mum gave me control of her money, it was all in a shared account that automatically became mine on her death, so legally there was not estate to administer. I gave my brother his share, he never visited, mum changed her will to reflect the care I gave. He wasn't happen with what I gave him, and sent me a solicitors letter. My solicitor told him to get lost.

I haven't had even a Christmas card since. My other brothers children have both left home, I don't have their addresses. I wasn't invited to the christening of one of them, the wedding of the other one. They both live less than 6 miles away according to my eldest son.

Vultures may circle but it doesn't necessarily mean that they are going to end up with anything!

For well over 40 years, my home was where all family celebrations were held, they were all glad to take advantage of my hospitality, but it was never returned, so sod the lot of them!
You have so much support here, its a regular theme.

My Sister left me and my Mum to rot, we were dying until Mum finally fell and got taken away. At this point, I fell into a dark place....I had no help.

Now I have Mum back living with me, we are happy, supported by carers. We have never been happier, seeing Mum watching Cinderella just put a smile on my face. My Sister visited and it always comes down to money with her. I just smile and lie to her about Mums finances.. She walked out on me when I was crying and begging for help..
Stephen, I full of respect for the care you give mum.
Keep lying to your sister about mum's finances!
As mum has dementia she lacks the mental capacity to give your sister any money. Might be worth telling your sister this?!?!
Worth reminding your sister that under the MCA your mother now lacks capacity therefore anyone attempting to take advantage of the fact (intentional or otherwise) could well be breaking the law, and for good measure, to the the nephews, that even people in prison have a "code".

I know we can pick our friends not our family but jesus! Have no time for those antics, heres to happy bloody Mondays :P

Best wishes to you and mum OP, we're here for you.
Yup, blood might be thicker than water,
but it has more clots in it.
I'm really grateful for your support. It's sadly reassuring that others have been and are going through the same thing.

They won't get their hands on Mum's money. Every penny belongs to her and is for her care, I'm focused on that. I've already made a point of telling her that she will need to provide receipts for anything she buys for mum and wants refunding. She won't find that easy to swallow.

I'm rapidly in danger of losing it with GS and finally telling her what I think of her. The fall out will be irreparable.

Mum told me today that GS mentioned that she might be going on holiday in the next week or so [holiday from what, the lazy madam has never worked a day in her life]. GS had mentioned something very vaguely to me a few days ago but in the vein of cancelling it. She always manages to make things someone else's problem and she, just a helpless victim of someone else's wishes. I can already hear the conversation as it's the same one we've heard a million times 'he wants to go, what can I do?' If she does go I will not be able to restrain myself.

Sooner or later they are going to discharge Mum from hospital and I can see me struggling on my own.
Oh believe me you are in good company,

Had similar when one of the persons I look after (remaining parent) moved into residential care.
"Concerned" extended family coming out of the woodwork and the conversation always shifted to what was going to happen to the house..

Which was offensive firstly to the fact the 2 other family members living there I look after are disabled (1 severely) as if to imply they could be simply shipped somewhere else like unwanted belongings.

And secondly because the house is in fact mine, its one of the few things I own outright and the family members cared for actually live with me there, basically to imply the only reason I were even caring for them was because I had something to gain from it.

Do not allow them to discharge mum from the hospital until you have everything in place you think will be needed in order to safely meet her needs, and when I say safely that includes the overall impact on the household and not running yourself into the ground either. Don't let them get passive aggressive, bully, guilt trip or otherwise railroad you, stay strong

And be kind to yourself, if it were easy everyone would do it.

Best wishes
Oh goody, the Ghost Sister rides again!

She rang me tonight, blethering on. The nurse at the hospital told her Mum was eating well - she is when someone's there coaxing her to eat - but according to GS they've put a sign over her bed saying she needs help. Well that's all right then. Of course when I'm there the tray's plonked down and left. At the moment she can't cut food so it sits there going cold.

GS reckons the nurse, the fount of all knowledge, told her that Mum hadn't had visits from the Alzheimer's nurse - she has, 3 along with a visit to the 'event's manager' at the local memory clinic over the last six months but GS wouldn't know that because she's not bothered and thinks visiting once every six weeks is enough. If she were a more diligent visitor she would actually know these things.

GS does at least visit Mum every day for about an hour. Despite this she didn't know that for the last 4 days they've been concerned hugely over Mum's blood pressure so much so that they have started using a wheelchair to the loo etc rather than trusting her wobbly legs. Today apparently, Nurse Chatty briefly mentioned her blood pressure and GS now knows all about it.

We've been starting to put together some of the things Mum's going to need like a key box for her carers which I have organised and I'm sourcing a lifeline service. GS was given chair risers and a shower chair to arrange and I believe the Normandy Landings required less fuss. I took her to Mum's on Saturday and she was faffing about taking measurements and still keeps mithering about what I think she should get. Heaven forbid she should actually make some effort herself and google it or something. As for the shower chair, her second hand one will do apparently, I suspect because sourcing one would put her out. Who would want a second hand shower chair that everyone in her family has sat their spotty bots on? I almost gave in and said I would do it but I bit my lip and stood firm. She has to put in the same effort or Mum will never get home. I can't do it all.

Mum also said that GS is actually still thinking of going away [again] in a couple of weeks and I know what her game will be. She'll keep on about 'not wanting to go but The Boyfriend wants to go' as if she is incapable of telling him that her family need her to be front and centre until one of us gets thoroughly exasperated and gives in.

If it requires the smallest effort on her part she wants to give it up to someone else and she'll be quite happy to trot off on her jolly without the smallest concern for what she's left behind or how we'll manage.

I am so sorry for the rant. I'm running on empty at the moment.
I think the important question to ask your family, GS in particular. If Mum does come home, how much time are they going to spend with her, will the Sister be taking her on day trips and the money thralled Grandson the same.

Or will they all just disappear leaving you with the burden, until Mum next goes into hospital before circling round again.

In my situation my Dad passed away leaving no Will, meaning everything was left to my Mum who suffers from Vascular Dementia. I instantly accepted I would have no inheritance and care for my Mum...

My Sister on the other hand has made our life a misery, trying to claim money from Dads estate, trying to stop Mum from going to restaurants and enjoying herself. Visiting Mum in her nursing home and asking for over £20,000, texting me saying Mum had agreed to give her the money, only for Mum to appear in complete shock when I asked if it was true.

Now going on about Court of Protection as she thinks some debts will be paid of that way.... Family suck...I always say, its Mum and I versus the World...