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Expenses as a Carer (sorry this is likely to be a long one) - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Expenses as a Carer (sorry this is likely to be a long one)

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
PS If she has over £10,000 in savings she is taking advantage of your good name. They way to get down below the limit is to PAY YOU FOR THE CARE YOU PROVIDE!!!
I know Bowlingbun, but she probably wants to hang on to it to send another £2,000 over to Hubby's brother in Oz to pay for his flights home on his next visit, like she did for his Christmas trip.

Who she gives her money to is her business, so long as she covers our costs, I don't give a damn, but at the moment, she falls far in meeting the expenses for what we do for her ... he does nothing other than phone her once a fortnight, surely can't be right, but thats families for you ... and no, before anyone mentions it, this is not the reason for my rant, I just want to not feel we are supporting her financially when she is quite able to pay and getting AA to cover any additional costs as well. If we were not here, she would have to pay for carers to do it all, but because we are its OK. Just getting to end of our tether as never any time for ourselves, and money tight anyway, without an additional household to support ...
What is your husband doing for his mother?

Of course you must be paid, in cash, for what you do.

The non-helping children will doubtless expect equal shares of what she leaves, yet have done sod all to help her now. So you need to be paid 'up front' for your help.

Keep separate accounts of all you do, under a MIL Account Book.

PS - re the chair, tell MIL that if she doesn't spent her money on herself, the taxman will help himself to it when she dies......
It's up to you to put your foot down about being exploited by your MIL, which you are.

It IS about the money and it SHOULD be about the money. It's totally wrong she pampers one unhelping son and exploits the other son's wife. Disgraceful.

All too often on the forum we see a 'waste-of-space' sibling who does sod all, and a 'little red hen' sibling who does everything.

But it really is up to YOU to say STOP.

Stop being exploited by her. Start charging the FULL amount for what you do. If she can afford a couple of thousand pounds for her darling other son, she can damn well afford to pay you for slaving away washing her urine soaked sheets. Who the hell does she think she is to treat you like that???

Stand up for yourself, and say ENOUGH.
PS when the other arrives (where does he stay - please tell me he doesn't land on you!), that's the time for YOU and your husband to have a holiday yourselves.

Let the waste-of-space son have to do all the work for his mum - about time! Then he'll know just what YOU do.

I also advocate you going 'on holiday' for a week so your MIL realises how much you do. She is taking you for granted.

Did she always spoil her other son, the one in Oz?
Hi Jenny, the chair is sorted. Hubby rang her and told her she needs it and must pay, so I have put deposit down this afternoon to order it.

No, she didn't always spoil him, in fact when he still lived here they hardly saw each other. He probably speaks to her more often now than when he was 5 miles down the road. He only comes home every 6-8 years because they cant' afford it. When they left here after Christmas, we had an invite to go over for a month whenever we chose ... MONTH, we can't even leave her for a few days without some issue or crisis ... they just don't get it. We were there yesterday when he did his fortnightly duty call ... she was so happy, not a mention of any issues with pain meds, throwing up in the middle of the night, on the phone to me at work crying in pain ... Just "I am fine, don't worry about me" ... he only talked to her for about 10 minutes, then she said "They have really bad cold, can't talk any more, going to bed" ... poor souls, she hangs on his every word!

Hubby does his bit, he works full time and 20 miles from home so can rarely see her during the week, hence I do the daily stuff. He is as p*ssed off as I am and has tried to broach subject of money so many times, but she just doesn't grasp it. He suggested just withdrawing from her account and if she notices, tell her what it was for. When I was down there with the chair guys this morning, I was telling her that she needs to spend money on herself, and in front of both of them and her carer, she said "Oh I am so used to giving to all the family, its hard to spend it on me" ... wanted the ground to swallow me, like we are benefitting from her cash and doing very nicely thank you ... she is too ignorant to understand what she says can make us look bad. She always makes a point when she has company ... carers, hairdresser, neighbours, etc, of mentioning that she "gave" us her car ... she was giving up driving but there was a bill of around £600 in things we had paid for whilst she was in hospital - I actually typed up and account of all the things we had bought or paid for on her behalf - so we said rather than pay us in cash, we would have the car for our son who has just started learning (it not worth much) and call it quits ... but still the car being given to us is trawled up at every opportunity ... I just think she gives people the impression we are milking her dry, when the opposite is true ...
GO AWAY FOR A WEEK. Then she will finally realise what you do for her when you are there. OK, she won't like it, that's tough. Many forum members have done this, and found that they were finally appreciated. Can I ask how old she is? Nature of her disability?
She's living in a la la land that makes her feel good.

She sounds exasperating, frankly.

Glad your husband is doing what he can, ie, he's not expecting you to do it. The problem is clearly your MIL ,and her la-la land rose tinted version of herself!

I do think, perhaps, that simply you and your husband going 'on strike' for a week or so, is necessary.

Remember, if she is compos mentes, you don't have to sort everything out for when you are 'on strike' (better still, take a holiday) (lots of cheap breaks around now this time of year). It's up to HER to sort out HER care if YOU are not there.

Also, don't take any more' gift's etc. Just keep it 'hard cash' the whole time. Like I say, log what you do for her, and present her with a weekly 'invoice', that she pays you IN CASH.

Look, if she loves your husband, and has any regard for you her DIL, she wouldn't want to exploit you, or comfort herself with her rose tinted glasses. So she NEEDS to wake up and smell the coffee she's drinking that YOU have made for her.

There is a grim saying that is grim, but true - we get the behaviour we put up with.

Correct her outright when she says things like 'I gave you the car!' - no, you PAID us with the car for the help we gave you. She won't like it, but tough.

Also, send a list of all you do to your BIL in Oz, and be graphic. Keep a 'blog' and send it to him.

Monday, MIL had soiled sheets. Washed and tumbled dried them. Did her shopping (etc etc). Take photos of the soiled sheets and send them to him. HE HAS TO GET what you are doing for her.

But really, only when he comes over and is 'landed' with her care will he really realise what hard work she is.

Remember, if your MIL challenges you in a 'hurt' way that you should be doing what you do, for love, not money, you simply say back to her, well, if YOU loved US you would not be taking advantage of us!!! That's the riposte.
bowlingbun wrote:
Mon Jan 15, 2018 5:52 pm
GO AWAY FOR A WEEK. Then she will finally realise what you do for her when you are there. OK, she won't like it, that's tough. Many forum members have done this, and found that they were finally appreciated. Can I ask how old she is? Nature of her disability?
She is 83, was very active, still doing everything for herself until May last year, even driving. Had 2 falls in one day, damaged disc in her neck, which they operated on to get some movement back in her arms, but although she can weight bear, she cannot walk or rise from the bed/chair unaided, and has to have everything done for her. Very distressing for her that she has gone from totally independent to totally dependent in such a short time, and hard to accept how little she can actually do for herself.
Distressing yes, but all the more reason she appreciates - tangibly! - what you do for her.